Thoughts...

I wish I could say this so that you could let go...

2007-10-10T21:58:00.000-05:00

I saw you this weekend. You told me how much you are hurt by me now. I dunno what to say. I didn't do anything and maybe that was the problem. How was I supposed to know you considered me your girlfriend, but not all at the same time. How was I supposed to know you cared so much about me?! All you ever did was attempt to make me jealous by talking about other girls....that's exactly what turns me off and away! Duh! No girl wants to hear about other girls by name and how much you want to have sex with them. So there's a distinction between sex and a relationship to you?! That's news to me. All you ever talk about is sex and how much you want to just fuck some girls and drop them. That's you, you're the player....you're not boyfriend material. I gave you a chance you asked for, but I turned around and drop one guys name and you FREAK OUT! Wow....nice to know our conversations were always a two-way street when apparently they weren't for me. You can talk all the shit you want to about girls, but god forbid I mention one guy....ha..shows how insecure you are. Don't get me wrong I knew you were...I know so much about you. You are a well worn out book...I know every mark on the cover and I can read almost all the pages, even the ones you think you hidden, but I decoded them. There's a few pages I don't know, but I know what they mean about you without the details. I know you, I know you too well. That's my problem. I saw you this weekend and you wanted more, you ask me to stay with you this weekend on my return to school for Homecoming, but I can't be with you. No matter how much time passes, you will always be you and I will never love you. I have on occasion had a crush on you, but never once loved you! I never will and NOTHING you DO or SAY can change my heart no matter how hard you try. I'm sorry that I wounded your heart so, I didn't know what I was doing to it because I thought you DIDN'T CARE!!! You go around saying I don't care about everything, including me. Then almost a year into knowing you and being friends, you break down and tell me how much you are worried that when you back to school that we won't be friends anymore, that we won't talk, etc....HELLO?! It's me, of course I'll have your back and IF you KNEW better, you'd know if you are my friend a year later, that's a BIG STEP!!!! I don't keep the same friends for a year! There's so much you don't know about me, funny how I learn of you keeping tabs on me now. When we are fighting, or half fighting or where ever the hell we stand right now. You said a half sorry and relegated with some crap about who knows what vague as ever, but so you. You could never answer a simple question with more than one word ever. A complicated question is something you could never answer in so many words either...complicated answers never did you justice any way! I will NEVER be YOURS!!! I definitely take responsibility for why you are hurt, but you are half responsible too, but you will never see it that way! I already apologized for asking you if you were impersonating me online....I knew it wasn't you,but I grew paranoid and asked you. I'm sorry, I've said it a million times, but just because I asked doesn't mean that I ever betrayed your trust. I'm sorry that you feel that way. Now I know and I saw exactly how much I really HURT you! I'm so sorry. I always knew the way you looked at me....the way your eyes sparkled and the way you held me close. You were weak again this weekend, you did it again when you saw me. You let me hurt you again. The way you laid on top of me and held me close. The way you just wanted to be close. Why do you keep letting yourself fall for me. I know you couldn't last long being mad at me for something stupid and a total misunderstanding. No surprise there. I just wish you could move on that or I could justify a reason to really be with you. But I can't and I just never will and I'm sorry. Please stop wasting your time on me that way, we're not together. We never were official, I know we were together for awhile and I know I said goodbye to that, but it was my choice. I see how much I hurt you and how much you are tortured by me and I really never did anything to provoke it. You know how I feel about you, I don't, we're friends, that's it, end of story. I'm sorry I won't ever be yours. I wish you the best. Let go of me and let us just be just friends and nothing more because it's for the best for us both!!!

Today is the first day of feeling like fall, which I'm excited about. Got on my layers of clothes...anyone who knows me knows I love to wear layers 2-3 is my norm!!! :P The only thing that could make tonight any better is a guy. I'm wearing my comfy sweat pants, sweat shirt with a tank top underneath, a cup of Japanese green tea, snuggled on the couch, I just could use a snuggle buddy. But I want my snuggle buddy to be a real guy, not just any guy! Anyways I like the things I want the picture I paint in my head of one day having, they aren't unrealistic by any means, or things that I haven't had in the past. I used to sit on a couch with one of my best friends with our sun tea watching our favorite show and had some of the best times there just talking and chilling even though I'm partial to the floor! The couch made a good back rest...lol! So much to say....but not tonight!!! :P

Another year older

2007-10-09T01:08:00.000-05:00

Well yesterday was my birthday. Didn't really seem like it. No one to celebrate with minus my family, but it wasn't anything special by any means. I was surprised how many people actually remembered, but was disappointed by those that forgot who shouldn't have. Good thing it's me, and I could care less. It doesn't bother me. But halfway through cooking my birthday dinner I realized something....this is the first time since I started dating that I didn't have a boyfriend during my birthday (which means the last time I didn't have a boyfriend when it was my birthday was way back in the day, 8th grade!!! How crazy is that?!?!?! Just all of a sudden hit me cuz I was thinking why the hell am I cooking my own birthday dinner?! Today felt like any other day and it was nothing special. Birthday celebration will be this weekend!!! Plus it's also my first Homecoming as an alumni!!! :) So I'm super excited to see everyone and party. In addition I have birthday plans with one of my best friends who's birthday was a week prior to mine, but we haven't celebrated since she is a senior this year and I graduated and was outta town to the East coast as usual Thursday through Sunday! I know busy me still been traveling tons! I know I should work on getting a job, but I haven't even looked. Been working on my grad. school applications....picked out 6 schools I'm applying to. Finished up my personal statement and worked on the essays or short answer stupid stuff that is on them. So I'm almost all finished up there and I'm excited about that! Then I will go job hunting, been putting my life on hold in a sense cuz i needed the escape. I needed to just be all alone. I'm sorry that I stopped talking to pretty much everyone. Just the way I am. I like to be alone. I like having my own life separate from everyone. But it felt odd not to share my birthday with someone special. Although last year I was severely disappointed in my boyfriend, who got way too trashed for homecoming and didn't make it out with my friends and I for my birthday dinner, and then drinking, cake, and presents back at one of my friend's places. Also on my birthday, I met a guy who turned out to show me sides of me I didn't know I had. He kept me outta trouble and out of relationships which ironically I thank him for. He'll never know how much I appreciate the relationship him and I have. Ironically I saw him this weekend. We sorta talked things out...aka....not really but he admitted quickly that he was wrong, and then kissed me so we couldn't talk about it. Typical him, I actually never thought we'd talk again. But his "smooth" apology doesn't cut it....I don't quite believe him...I know better not to. He's keeping tabs on me....I think it's funny. He knew I was outta town this weekend, that it was my b-day, and a bunch of other stuff....but he thinks I'm seeing someone...I just laughed and told him it was none of his business. I guess that's for me to know and you to find out. ;) hehehe!

That's all for now....I had written some other posts, but I seem to have misplaced them in the transferring of documents between disks and computer...when I find them I'll upload them cuz I wrote a few entries and never got around to posting them...so blog is gonna be a bit outta sorts for the next few posts....don't fret....I'll be back in order by next week!!! Well...Happy Birthday to ME!!! :P

Crazy Confusing Life

2007-09-05T20:01:00.000-05:00

Things have been so up and down hill lately, it's hard to know where I stand at times. So the weekend before my Loras College friends started school, I went to visit for four days. My trip was overall so much fun! Pretty much saw everyone and had a great time kicking back drinks and chilling with friends! Of course the guy I've been going on dates with/seeing on and off since November and I did our usual have a little fight but always make up quickly, etc. So I had an extra key cut from living at his place and he had to go home to play some baseball and I had other plans so it all worked out great. I spent the night he was gone over at one of my group of guy's houses on a couch. Where one of the guys I always play beer pong against accidentally sat on me and scared me when I was sleeping! It was amusing! He totally didn't see me curled up on his couch after insisting that I sleep downstairs in his room! lol! :P It was good to see him, he's one of my younger bio friends! :) Anyways, said guy who is my best guy friend/sorta something more (the whole confusion that I don't like to think/want to deal with) and I had a fight, talked about stuff. I told him I don't want to change the relationship that him and I have. Anyways, he comes back into town and I'm still in town on Monday and we run errands and such and he needs to get into his house but we're making a run after he drops something off, so to make things easier I give him the extra key. He then gets in the car and gives the key back to me telling me he would like me to come visit and wouldn't mind me surprising him by coming into town. Prior to him leaving for school, we actually had a serious conversation about how he's worried to lose me as a friend and that he really values our friendship and that I'm his best friend, etc....as I reciprocate all said. I feel the same, he's my best guy friend at school without a question, I enjoy spending time with him, he's really opened up to me, learned to trust me, etc....somehow I learned that weekend that I actually somewhere deep in me have some sort of feelings for him. But don't get me wrong, I had a tiny crush on him, but as said, I didn't want to change our current arranged relationship we have. In a nutshell, where we're together in person, we're together, but when we're apart, we're apart....clear....ya that's what I thought! lol! :P Anyways his interest was sparked more of lately for particular reasons....lol....no comment. But I can't stop laughing about some of it, but it's not appropriate to talk about. Let's just say we spent too many hours going at it in the time spent together and we exhausted each other out! lol! ;) After said weekend of fun, etc....I get home, of course he wants me to call him when I get home, but he gets slightly mad at me because when I left his house at 4:30PM I stayed in dbq for another 3 hrs and he thought I was coming back to say goodbye! I missed that part, but whatever, he learned to get over it. He just is a bit of a baby like that at times cuz he felt neglected. Anyways after fun weekend etc...things are going good!

Then things turn to hell. Someone gets online and starts iming people under a new screenname claiming to be me and saying all this shit about my friends and that I'm a whore and all this other stuff..NOT COOL ONE BIT!!!! So I get really mad cuz it's like wtf?! What did I do to deserve this! NOTHING! Anyways, my best friend that's a girl gets the most of the im's and she immediately accuses said boy from earlier. Immediately I stand up for said boy because I trust him and don't believe he could do that to me EVER!!! I trust him too much and he's one of my best friends so my heart tells me it's not him. But I start going crazy cuz things said get worse and this person obviously doesn't know me based off what Alison convinced them up which was untrue....so this person knows nothing of me at all! Anyways I said said boy twice cuz he never really answered me the first time and he just goes off on me. Starts calling me a bitch says he can't believe I don't trust him, etc. and most importantly two things 1.) can't believe he calls me his best friend so we're no longer friends and 2.) can't believe he likes me. Enough said to know where this all goes...so me and him are in a huge fight since then...oh wait we still are. He doesn't understand what I was going through, etc. He was being a dick about it and should have been a friend to me and understand and listen to me, but nope he wasn't! IT was all about HIM! and not about his best friend ME! We all know I'm not selfish, but seriously he pissed me off! But at the same time I'm so mad at him right now and so hurt all at once! I'm mostly hurt cuz I lost my best guy friend, the guy i kinda like in this weird twisted i'll never date him way but secretively sort of like him but not really way (I can't explain), but now I definitely don't like him. I honestly don't think him and I will ever recover from this fight from words exchanged by him! He won't even talk to me at all....so I'm giving him space cuz that's what he needs and then we usually are friends again, but I feel this time is different given the circumstances. Also him and I fought online.....we always work things out in person cuz online is impersonal and confusing and things said were not what were meant, but both of us hurt each other. Literally one second I want to wring his neck and the next I wish I was cuddle up with him. I don't expect anyone to understand any of that. Anyways, I feel like I have really lost said boy completely as my best guy friend because I'm no longer in dbq. He actually IMed me today cuz he heard I might be coming to dbq this weekend and wanted me to come see him, but then he got mad that he wasn't aware I might be in town, that I wasn't staying at his place, and I wasn't going to see him....or at least that is my understanding from another friend we share. Anyways, I'm not coming to dbq now because I forgot about prior commitments this weekend at home especially the IRL race Sunday morning! Anyways, then apparently he got mad at me again for not coming to see him to fix things, so whatever....I'm done with dealing/thinking about him right now. It's driving me crazy though cuz I care so much about him as a friend! I really miss my best friend, we would talk like every other day even during the summer....and I miss that! I really miss my best friend and I'm giving him space, but honestly, it's killing to. So he's getting the space he wants, but I fear I don't have the time to go see him to fix things which is why we won't be friends. Apparently he's still really pissed at me for not TRUSTING him, which I completely do. I just can't seem to explain to him what was doing on before he got mad at me for all of it. :( I really miss him though. I don't miss for the wrong reasons, I don't miss him for the more than friends we were, I miss him purely for our friendship. He was someone I had really opened up to and this is the first time in a long time that I feel really betrayed and hurt by a friend. Immensely more than ever any of a certain-ex best friend. I can't explain why he means so much to me, but he does. I loved spending time with him just chilling and such! I always thought it was cute that he wanted me to always be at his baseball games, even this summer! :)

After that I was going to go to dbq to fix things last weekend since said guy and i had this fight like Thursday morning last week. But I opted to go to Akron to visit my brother and watch him play soccer and head to Pennsylvania because I needed to get away and clear my head. Also got my foot in the door at grad. school there too which was a huge plus since I'm working on my applications now! I'm giving said boy space, but I really miss my best guy friend!!! :\

The trip was just what I needed and this week I have been busy and refocused which is good! Really busy the next two weeks and hopefully heading down south to visit two of my friends I haven't seen in a long time!!! :) Well, I'm gonna get back to watching my Cubbies! Looks like that might win today which they could really use cuz I'm sick of watching them lose!!!

Anyways, things have been up and down hill, but I stand on level ground now, I'm good, but a little sad cuz I'm missing someone so very close to my heart as my best friend and I'm scared I actually lost him. But I hear he's waiting me out cuz he's stubborn like that...I dunno what that means, it's all really confusing! :\

My Perfumes

2007-08-01T23:27:00.000-05:00

So I always get compliments about my perfumes from men and women for as long as I've been wearing it. So what are the elusive scents of me?! All are by AVON and cost $20 or less and are wonderful! I've never had more compliments from complete strangers and my friends are always asking what it is I'm wearing!!!

4. Island Vibe- "Live the rhythm of the tropics. A bright, beachy blend of exotic florals infused with a wave of sultry island musk" This one is my brand new one of today! Definitely a summer scent! First time wearing it today out to the store with my Dad to look at new TV's and when I was wandering around looking for some stuff some guy told me I smelled really good. (weird, I know) This will be my rest of the summer, fun smell! :)

3. Vibrant Orchid-no longer made! :( But it's a light orchid and vanilla musk smell! I wore it Sophomore and Junior year of high school. It's a nice, young, airy scent.

2. Be Tempting- "Sensual. Sexy. Irresistibly alluring. Awaken your romantic side with this breathless floriental bouquet wrapped in warm amber and sensual woods." This is my "all grown up and getting all dressed up" scent! I like to wear this out on my more serious dates or evenings when I get really "done" up-hair, make-up, nicer clothes, etc. Ya know the deal! Just makes me smell sexy! lol! ;)

1. Haiku-"Awaken your senses with Haiku, a spiritual garden floral of jasmine, citrus, and lilies." (A luscious garden floral that opens up with a bright combinations of yuzu and pomegranate. The heart of the fragrance is built around a fig and transparent floralcy of muguet and delicate jasmine. The drydown is a sensual combination of tonka bean, sandalwood, a hint of vanilla and soft musks). This is by far my personal favorite scent. This one I get the most compliments on and I wear this one pretty much every day year around!!!! I LOVE this one! I've never had more guys compliment me on this perfume and how they all love it! :) It's a steal too being $20 but often times it's two for one!

Enjoy.....the scents of ME!!! lol! :P

Strange Turn of Events

2007-07-29T22:52:00.000-05:00

Well, after today and the events of today....I'm considering law school. So much so that I've spent the last 2.5 hrs looking at schools, requirements, and the LSAT. So tomorrow I think I'm off to the bookstore and am going to buy an LSAT prep book and take the exam at the beginning of October. Meaning that I'm putting off getting a job until then so I can study and focus all my energy and time on applications. I found THE MOST PERFECT LAW PROGRAM for ME!!! :) Out on the Eastcoast!! YEAH! and I would persue a joint degree: I'd get a J.D./Ph.d in environmental law/wildlife sciences, respectively!!! :) Honestly it's so me, and I never once thought about law school EVER!!! A friend of the family was over and was talking to my dad about me and was curious as what I was up to, etc. Afterward he left, my dad approached me and we talked about law school and how he thinks I would make an excellent lawyer. He wants me to consider it and talk to our friend of the family about it!!! :) He's okay with me pursuing research now too!!! I'm good as long as it's science based, I will be happy!!! :) I'm super exciting and somehting seems fitting. The only thing I fear though are my grades. Not that great, just around the median GPA and hopefully I'll score well on the LSAT. That's really going to be and make or break me deal. Plus I'll need to get going on essays and such.

In other news, I got rid of the guy I've been seeing on and off this past school year, pretty much most of second semester. I just reached the point where it's like we've been "together" but not together, but I just don't want to deal with it anymore. So I ended that last night. It's just pointless and not what I want, and I'm not sure why I've been sort of wasting time on him and now pursuing other options. I know I just didn't want anything serious as I was leaving school cuz I didn't know what I wanted to do and I didn't want to get sucked into this life that I didn't choose for myself. I think that's something I really fear, that IF I found the right person, I'd be willing to make any and all sacrifices for them even if that means I don't feel happy or fulfilled in the other areas of my life. :\ Yeah I know, but I could just see myself debating and then probably being like wow I'm an idiot no matter the choice I'd make I'd still debate it later, but hey that's life. Hindsight is only 20/20!

Last night was fun! Got to see my sand vball guys, okay well two of them, since it was a suprise 21st party for one of them! :P It was fun and good to meet his friends from school who drove 6+ hrs that day to come for the party and spend a few nights in town! It was sad cuz only two of us made it from the sand vball crew, yet we were all invited, but everyone else was being LAME and didn't come! Boo them! It was good, got to talk with the one guy I had kinda liked at the beginning of last school year. Ironic that I didn't like him when we were playing vball together, it was afterwards that when we went off to school we'd always be on AIM chatting. Both were suffering through physics, well he's an engineering major, he has a love-hate relationship with that subject! lol! But it was really good to see him! Him and I ended up chatting for like 1.5 hrs at the table just the two of us. It was awesome! Then we teamed up for bags and did awesome until our last match. Up 20-0 and we played u had to be perfect on 21! And we LOST! Don't ask, it was ridiculous! I've never seen a game go on longer ever! Since we were tossing first, they would always score with their last bag and get 3 pts, so it sucked! We went through at least 10 minutes or tied 20-20 rounds, it was ridiculous!!!!! :P In the end we lost, hit 3 of 4 bag on, but had my one knocked off by the guy and his stayed on, so we lost! Nothing we could have done! It was an excellent match! We had been undefeated prior to then in 3 or 4 other matches. So it was a good night! Then delt with the getting rid of the boy. So now things are much better! :)

So I was in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania when the Harry Potter book came out. So my uncle, cousin, and I drove to Titusville (where they struck oil-Drake Wells), waltzed into Wal-Mart at 12:03 and got a book, no line, literally it was the moving line of oh 35 people, and they were like how many books do you want no limits! They had so many boxes it was CRAZY!!! Every person who was at the store at the time bought a book! The whole 35 of us, but I definately saw Grandma carrying at least 10 books for all her grandchildren! I thought it was really sweet! I spent more time waiting in line at the cash register to ring up my book than to walk to the back of the store to lay-away where they were handing them out. Two people handing out books, two people cashering, and a few people stocking shelves maybe. I only saw one other person walking around, apoligizing for the oh 5-10 minute way to pay for my book!

But good story on the way to get the book! So we drive out of place heading towards Tidioutte and we come around a bend, and this car flashes us, so my uncle slows down. As we go around the next turn, there is a fawn in the middle of the road hit, but with it's head up. So my uncle drives a bit more down the road cuz there's a truck behind us, and we pull into an area and turn around. He's like alright let's see if we can do something for this deer. Drive back, fawn is laying dead in the road. Uncle is like shit, deer died, oh well, was gonna try and hell, turns around at the gravel pit. Head back, WTF!?! Fawn has it's head up again still laying in the middle of the road, so we turn around again, but now i get in the drivers seat and my uncle in the passenger. He's like drive up, and try to push it off the road, and i'm gonna jump out and try to push it further off the road so it won't cross again. So as I pull up around the turn, the fawn is now standing in the middle of my lane just looking at the car. So I start to inch up on her and push her off to the right hand side of the road cuz there's now traffic in the middle of no where PA at 20 to midnight. I get her off the side but only a few feet in and my uncle gets to push her about 25 feet in under some trees where it collapses. So we turn around at the gravel pit again and head to get out coveted Harry Potter Book 7!!! :P We saw tons of deer on the way there and back since we were driving through some of the best areas for hunting, where my uncle and my dad hunt deer and turkey at! Saw some night bucks! Why do deer walk half way out, stop in ur lane, then you stop, inch on them, and then they finally walk back the way they came! So DUMB! lol! At least we didn't hit any!!! On the way back, no fawn under the tree. But the next morning my uncle and dad go into town for a paper and some other stuff and they don't see the deer either! So I wish the fawn luck in life and stay away from bright lights, they hurt when they hit you!!

I think I'm going to pursue law school......who would have ever thought?!!?!?! :P

Crazy Life in Dubuque and Boys! :P

2007-07-09T11:39:00.000-05:00

So as usual I’m on no shortage of guys who like me. Yet again I’m being annoyed by it all. So the guy I met at a party like a month and half before school ended was all excited when he learned I was moving back from our mutual friend. So we started hanging out again, and he’s been trying to kiss me again, but hasn’t kissed me more than on the cheek just because I haven’t allowed it. Not that there haven’t been moments cuz their have. One perfect one was on the way out the door, and I couldn’t open the door, and the door is right at the bottom of the stairs, so he had me pushed up against the wall and went to kiss me, but we got interrupted by his brother and cousin who were coming down the stairs. It was a moment I would have allowed I think….I dunno. Anyways, he calls me like every other day to chat and see if I can hang out etc. I’ve only ever taken him up twice to hang out and then to go to his party he had last night. The party last night really showed me another side of him. A side that I’m not very fond of at all, not that I was that fond of him in the first place! Anyways he was being kinda scary this week when I talked to him. He kept talking about how much he wanted to visit me in Chicago and all this other stuff and how I felt about long term/long distance relationships, etc. He kept saying how he didn’t care I was in Chicagoland area and he was okay with that because he thought I was worth it. That I impress him beyond belief and he enjoys just being around me, etc….things that I normally would love to hear, but hearing this from his has always struck a chord with me in the wrong way. Just that something isn’t quite right, I don’t trust him, not even a little. Anyways, at the party he gets belligerently drunk and I don’t like the person he’s become. We were partners in pool and I was on my game playing really well and his cousin and he were very impressed. He kept trying to tickle me, but I’m not ticklish one bit. He kept putting his arm around me waist while we were waiting for our turn etc. just little things like that. He comments to Alison how he’s trying to flirt with me but it’s so hard when I’m not ticklish that he’s not sure how to flirt with me physically without that bit. The next thing I know this other girl who was giving me evil stares all night corners him in the kitchen that is next to the bathroom and then they are in the bathroom for a long time together. Some guy huh? Yeah that’s what I thought so too, eventually I walk in the kitchen again to get another drink and the girl who started kissing him into the bathroom is sitting outside the bathroom door crying in the hallway and he’s in the bathroom, probably puking cuz he’s so drunk. Then he comes out and starts hitting on me again and acting like nothing happened, I’m not going to pretend to know anything but I know what I saw for 30 seconds and that was enough for me. But we were having fun with other people so we stayed and played cards for awhile and had a good time. Then that girl like runs upstairs and two minutes later she calls Jeremy on his cell and then he’s upstairs with her. Anyways we stay longer to play cards and chat and finally, Alison and I decide to get going and his cousin, who apparently was aware that Jeremy liked me, was like you should go talk to him before you leave. So I go upstairs to find him, and I open up the door and it’s just awkward. She like was trying to kiss him again and I felt like I just caught them. All I said was I’m leaving now and I felt rude for not saying good bye and thanks for the invite. That was it, that’s so me to do and pretend like I didn’t see anything the entire night. I let that go because it just doesn’t matter. If you haven’t noticed lately, nothing really seems to matter all that much to me. Anyways he called me like 30 minutes after I left because he went outside to say bye to me and I said bye, but he’s like you didn’t leave and he didn’t understand. Well, Alison had just lit a cigarette and was smoking and I don’t allow smoking in my car, so we were sitting outside my car chatting while she finished smoking. He was annoyed that I didn’t say bye and is like we should hang out just the two of us tomorrow, but I told him I was busy, which I really wasn’t. So he’s like call me before you leave in a week I really want to hang out a few more times if you have the time…and I’m like well I’m really busy and I have a lot of plans with people in the next week, which is true! So :P !!! Anyways, so I told him to give me a call, and he called me once today to see if I could hang out, but I told him I didn’t know. I have no intention of calling him or picking up the phone the next time he calls.
I think he was a bit annoyed at me that phone kept going off between phone calls and text messages. Brad texted me a bunch of times last night! They make me laugh so hard and miss him! I know that sounds crazy! But I do miss having him around! There’s something about him that is a comfort. He’s been a good friend most of the time and it’s weird not having such close guy friends around me when I’m in dbq, it’s like half girls and half guys which is weird for me. Normally it’s mostly guys. Brad just makes me laugh and it’s good to have nothing that serious between us where I don’t feel tied down. It wasn’t until last week that I finally understood why Brad got so mad at me after talking to Joe. I never realized Brad cared about me that much. I knew liked me, but I never took it seriously. I just didn’t think he was that serious about me. I think I just didn’t want to see it, I’ve done about everything to avoid a relationship or sort of get into relationships that are lost causes due to distance, timing, etc. whatever the case is….why….because I realized I only ever loved one person in my life. I wonder about him more than I probably should. I’m probably just crazy, he’s probably never thought about me in a long time. Now I feel bad that I go away for the weekend to visit some friends, and the next thing Brad knows I’m talking about this other guy that I like and then he comes to visit me about a month later. I understood then why Brad got so mad. He cared so much about me, we enjoyed each other’s company, we had amazing chemistry that neither of us could explain, but I just couldn’t be with him for my own reasons. He asked me out enough times, but I never once thought he was serious. I realized after talking to Joe that I was practically with Brad all last semester and he felt betrayed by me. But I still hold, how can he feel betrayed when he was going on dates with other people too, etc. and he talked about them I didn’t, until I finally mentioned one guy. Last night I enjoyed our text message banter! Just made me happy and smiling, but who couldn’t from hearing the things he said! But I like the most was the way he told me he missed me and wish he were here with me. Normally he says he wishes I was there with him, but for once he said the right thing, wish I was there with you! J Don’t worry I’ll never really take him seriously no matter what. I just can’t nor do I feel like explaining it!
So I moved back to Dubuque for a month to take a summer course and within a day of moving in, I run into Joe. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the line he gave me about how he always liked me, but knew I was sort of with Brad, and that fate has given him a second chance with me. (I laughed really hard on the inside cuz where was the first chance? Lol). Anyways, so Joe is my next door neighbor so we’ve been hanging out, having some good chats, did some fun little projects together, etc. All he has wanted all summer was to make out with me. But I laughed so hard in his face and asked why..and he said because I like you, and I’ve wanted to for awhile. Well, maybe that line works on some girls, but it just doesn’t work on me! :P Anyways, I kept telling him don’t ask to make out with me, find the right moment to make out with me and see what happens….in other words I’m teasing with you and fucking with your mind because I can and sadly I enjoy doing that to him, not to most people, but to him it’s amusing and he deserves it for what he has been doing to his girlfriend of 3 years, and now they are not together according to him, but she thinks they are etc….don’t even want to get into any of that! Anyways, he’s like all you want is something contrived….and I said no…it’s not contrived, what I want is real, but that doesn’t mean I’ll find that something real with you. I’d rather find the right moment and it may only be that single moment that kiss is right, but that’s what I want. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic in that sense….who would have ever thought that of me? I wouldn’t. Who doesn’t want the fairy tale ending. Where you find the man of your dreams who sweeps you off your feet and rescues you and the movie ends with a perfect kiss. I know life is not like that, but what girl wouldn’t want something like that….
Getting back on track…So Dubuque was their firework display on the July 3rd, so Paul came to visit me finally after being here for over 4 years and never coming to visit me!! Anyways, the night before Joe and I had a great chat outside of our place for a few hours about anything and everything. He was like you should come with me for the fireworks and sit in the VIP section with Rob and me. I passed cuz I had Paul coming plus I had already made plans with Rachel and Margo. So Paul and I headed to the party and parked at Margo’s sister’s house which happened to be about a 2.5 mile walk to the house we ended up at. Anyways it was fun at the house party, music, guy on the mike, drinking, chatting, etc. Was fun, firework display over the river wasn’t too shabby, but not the most brilliant display ever, but it wasn’t bad for Dubuque standards I thought. They started early cuz storms were coming in, so about halfway through it started to rain. At the end it was coming down decently, but not too hard. We left to walk to the car, walked about half a mile before it just poured in sheets. I couldn’t remember the last time I was dry. Finally got to the car soaked to the bone, and drove back to my place to get some dry clothes before meeting up with people at the bars. The moisture from the rain built up in my stupid hard to open door and wouldn’t open and I tried for over an hour. I was so fed up. Tried to call Joe cuz he has the magic touch to open my door! I was so upset and wet and couldn’t get in or a hold of anyone…Paul and I were freezing and hungry so we went to grab some dinner from fast food cuz nothing else was open that late nor did we really want to go anywhere soaked to the bone. I literally had my heat on full to try to dry out and we were practically sweating in the car…I know gross! So we drive back and Joe and I have been calling back and forth but his phone keeps going out and I get a bit annoyed figuring he’s at the bars and has crappy signal at The Deep…aka bricktown, since he told me to call him once I got downtown to the bars. I get home and am messing around with my door and Rob walks outside to see what I’m doing. I found out Joe is at home, but his, rob’s, and nikki’s phone is all fried from the rain. Well, I had sent Joe a text message saying please let me into my house I’m locked out and that I would make out with him if he did so because I was that desperate to get in. Rob tells me Nikki is over, who is Joe’s ex, or whatever the hell they are…none of my business. Well, I tell Rob about the text and to go delete that message off of Joe’s phone now and in turn he can borrow my phone to talk to his girlfriend since his is fried. I find Joe he’s like yeah sure, gives me a lot of shit and makes fun of me for not being able to open it. Well then Rob goes and whispers in his ear that I’d make out with Joe if he let me in, blah , blah, blah. So Joe is like if I do this you have to keep your promise, so I said fine I just want to get in. So he lets me into my house yeah!!! J Paul is tired and goes to bed, Nikki left Joe cuz he was being an asshole towards her plus she hates me and was giving me evil glares whenever she sees me. Anyways, I kept my bargain. So I went over to Joe’s place, watched from Season 3 of Lost episodes and made out with him. No big deal. I laugh though, Joe is like wow you are a good kisser, he’s like I had no idea. I didn’t take you for being one, and I’m like well there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me. Joe is always talking to me about anything and everything. I enjoy chatting with him a lot and I like how’s he’s like I think about you when I see certain things so we watched a few of the things he wanted to show me that he knew I’d love and appreciate….and he was right! So weird how well he knows me, and I do the same with him! Things like that I love though! Don’t get me wrong, I like spending time with him and chatting, but it stops there. One night of making out because that was what was promised because that’s what he wanted he got. He was really happy about it too. It was fun, but it was like a week and half before I left. I asked him why he didn’t pursue me harder before and he said because I play too hard to get. He thought I wasn’t interested either, that he had absolutely no shot, I’m too busy, moving away shortly, and now he’s confused how I feel. Of course I didn’t answer that question cuz we all know why not! Lol! :P
I don’t like to get caught; you might be surprised by that. I just am not the type of girl who likes to be tied down and feel so many obligations all the time. I like to be free to do what I want, I’m a busy girl! I always have been, but I’ve made time for guys who have been worth my while for the most part. There’s exceptions both ways in there though, always is! J I just haven’t felt like being caught too much this year after a lot of things…. it means I just don’t trust people as much as I did before, and we all know I don’t ever put my heart on a platter for anyone. That or even let anyone know how my heart feels. That’s just the way I am, take it or leave for all I care.
This past month in Dubuque has been great for me. It’s been good to see Rachel, Amy, Margo, Alison, Brita, True, the guys that live next door, and everyone else because I know I missed other people! It’s been fun hanging on the porch with the guys and running into them on and off and having good chats! I need to live on my own and soon! I don’t think I can take living at home for the next year, but I probably will live at home so I can save money. Why pass up the opportunity to stay at home rent free, I cook, clean, do errands, and I’m going to go get a job here shortly and work on grad. school applications here too!!! So many things to do! One last week of school and some major studying and paper writing to do! Ugh! Well, better get going on that!
Oh yeah I love my new background! It’s a picture Anh drew me out of one of my high school yearbooks! Can you guess who’s who?! Front is Arlene, Back left is Anh, Back right is ME! J It says what’s supposed to be billabong because Anh and Arlene loved my blue bucket hat from billabong that I used to wear a lot! J
I’ve been rewatching Lost seasons 1 and 2……….really catching on all the details and things that happened later on! Also makes me miss having a Lost buddy to chat with! Joe and I were Lost buddies until the last month of school, which is when things got really exciting!! :P

Cute picture huh?

I’ve been rewatching Lost seasons 1 and 2……….really catching on all the details and things that happened later on! Also makes me miss having a Lost buddy to chat with! Joe and I were Lost buddies until the last month of school, which is when things got really exciting!! Boo him and his school work! So weird to think a year ago I had a different Lost buddy and a friend I really miss. I wish I could tell him how much his friendship has always meant to me and I'm sorry that he got stuck in the middle. That I let him go without a fight because I couldn't do that to the three of us, just couldn't break the bonds we all shared even further, so I did only what I knew how, break myself off leaving those two intact and friends. It was good to hear from one of our mutual friends that he mentioned my name again recently and how he's mad we're not friends and made at the other friend, mad at the whole situation, and mad that he let me stop talking to him, etc. It was all for the best! This week is a second chance to see if we can be friends again though! We ran into each other on the 4th at a BBQ and we're gonna try to hang out during my last week here to catch up! I hope we do because I'd be sad if we didn't. I plan on telling him sorry for all that happened and that I wish we were friends the way we were last summer. The way we could hang out, enjoyed so many of the same things, had great conversations, playing frisbee and basketball, kicking back watching movies, etc. Last summer we grew to become very close friends, he was my best guy friend without a doubt, and I've missed him teribbly. But that's life for you.

In need of an update!

2007-07-03T12:53:00.000-05:00

But not today! Sorry! Soon though! :P

Empty Promises

2007-06-16T16:52:00.000-05:00

So I'm packing to head back to Dbq to stay there for a month to take a summer course for grad. school! Anyways, I was moving stuff around my room and packing/unpacking from college and to head back.....so I came across my stack of year books from Junior High and High School. So I decided to flip them open and read through them. I realize they are filled with so many empty promises. The fakeness that seeps through the pages. Especially the messages from my ex best friend. Reading through the pages all the times we have have this now odd sense to them. They were great don't get me wrong! I did miss having her as one of my best friends for quite some time, but I went to college and met new friends and grew close to them. But it's odd to ready the things she wrote: How we'd always be best friends forever, the boys in our lives, ducky ducky!, movies, sushi, Friday's!, swimming, ping-pong, tennis, volleyball, barnes and noble, anime, starbucks, coffee, dulce de leche ice cream, Ski!, piano, jokes, friends, hanging out, lack of sleep, chatting endlessly, etc. If there was one person in this world that I could say really knew me and knew me the best and could read my mind (because we had ESP like you wouldn't believe and had to think things and the other knew, we drove so many friends and boy-toys crazy with that one!),etc. So many good memories. The promises to always be friends, how we'd be each others maid of honor, planning wedding, vacations, jobs, Cali, I know this is a rant. But that was Anh and me in a nutshell: cute, sweet, and quirky! That's who we were. We were ourselves. I don't think I've been so open with anyone in my life besides her. I knew her and she knew me. The reason our friendship ended was a series of events that one could not control. Her boyfriend, then her ex, who was one of my good friends where he was like a brother to me, new boyfriends and friends, different classes and commitments, actions of her boyfriend at the time who accidentally was hitting on Arlene and me when he thought we were Anh, it was totally understandable, but yeah wasn't good! Just a lot of things. But what put the biggest wedge between us was the fight her and Arlene had....and trust me it was STUPID!!! But they stopped talking, and it trickled down to me not talking to her as well because I was stuck in the middle and Arlene and I were friends longer (2nd grade compared to 4th grade), but there was no question that I was closer to Anh than Arlene. I didn't have to chose, the choice was forced on me because I still talked to her now ex boyfriend, Arlene, and had new friends (not better ones at the time). I just can't believe Anh and I aren't friends at all. I remember the last time I tried to talk to her. It was at high school graduation. I said hi and congrats to her, and she said hi and walked about 20 feet away from me and just stood there doing nothing, talking to no one, just walked away from me. She hated me for things I couldn't control. It's stupid that friendship ever fell apart. If there was one person in this world that I ever wished I was friends with still....it's her. Maybe you can't understand that, but that's how close we were. We had a few little fights, be we always worked things out. We had a sorta fight with so many other complicated things on top of it that it just fell apart. I tried, but she was being a bitch about some stuff. I have photos from my birthday sitting out in my room from that year, and that's the last picture I have of the three crazy, smart, quirky, and sweet girls! :P

Reading my yearbooks are filled with empty promises not just from her, but from practically everyone. Is anyone really sincere today? There are messages in there from people I'm still friends with, I read those pages and am like wow, how am I still friends with them now, when I barely was senior year! But I'm glad I've become better friends with them since college! :)

I should get back to packing, I leave for Dbq tomorrow!!! Moving back to take a class into Brad and Ryan's apt! :) I'm excited! :P

Summer is getting underway

2007-06-05T20:54:00.000-05:00

Well, I graduated three weeks ago now and I have been busy since. Florida, Dubuque, observing, finishing up school work, looking at summer school programs and graduate schools, playing sand volleyball, catching up with people, moving back into my house, etc... just been super busy lately...too busy to update

Well, Dubuque was a fun trip! Since then been hanging out with friends from Loras and high school friends and other random people I know through various things. Not been in a huge let's go out and party mood lately. Trying to settle back into living at home, which I'm not a huge fan of, but hey it's free and right now I could use that. Well, I need to go over and register for summer classes tomorrow which start next week. I need an anatomy course because I didn't do so hot in that course last semester just couldn't do the tests, they were coloring book pages and it was ridiculous. Like I knew the material but I could not do these tests because that's not the way I learn and prove that I know the material. Well, I got my A in field experience! :) That was my last class for Loras! I'm glad I'm done! Really proud of myself and I just got my diploma in the mail the day after I completed everything so it really made me feel like I completed things! I got to celebrate that night with Alison and her friends!

Seems like every few days I get text messages from Brad about how much he misses and wants me. lol! I just laugh and I'm such a tease to him! I know how he feels about me and how it's always been and how I've blown him off pretty much! He blew his chances and he blames me because I mention one guy...he needs to get over that! I actually just saw him a few days ago! All he does is work all the time, but we see each other about once a week it seems like! Nice to see a familiar face. We spent a majority of the time just chatting and catching up cuz it had been awhile for us. Not been on AIM much either of us, pretty much been playing tag backs on that and such! Been hanging out with Paul lately, good to see my "brother"! We went out with some of his friends a few days ago, only one of which I knew pretty well, but he told them I was his sister on the phone and they believed that we were actual family! I don't think we look like family at all, but that's my opinion!

Hmm...what else is new with me?! .....Got a new laptop which I also got a camcorder and $100 software along with my new computer! I like my new computer, trying to get used to Vista. I've been using Windows ME and XP and am so used to them. Vista is set up differently a bit. Also laptop is a lot bigger than my Loras issued IBM Think Pads! I looked at getting one, but I'm just not a huge fan, so I got a new Toshiba lap top! Nice core duo processor, 160 GB hard drive, etc. It's a Toshiba Satellite A205-4577 (i think that's the number on it) Got a front alignment on my car today after the whole ditch incident which is my uncle's fault, but on well. It wasn't pulling too horribly, but my dad wanted it done. So it's done! Drives much smoother now! :) I really like my car, it suits me and is so ME!!! I enjoy driving it around...I'm home and I don't even drive my other car! I love the bright blue Nissan Altima, but I'm so used to having my brother always drive that car that I just automatically drive my car around all the time!!!

Subdivision garage sale was this past weekend. So I've been doing paper work for that and everything else that goes along with that which is a lot since my mom organizes it. Actually it's more like I do everything. I sit down and do pretty much everything for it and her name is on it! Kinda with most things it seems like. She volunteers to do that stuff yet I end up doing a large majority of the work. I sat down typed up the whole list, did the maps, money, delivered all the stuff, put up signs, edited the letters, got the permits from village hall, newspaper ads, etc. Pretty much I did everything and all she did was look over everything I did for typing errors, which there was pretty much none, just a few edits on the garage sale listing because of what people wrote. Pretty much ran out garage sale too. Sold pretty much all my stuff was out there minus some clothes and stuffed animals.

Well, I'll be starting summer school next week, so that will be keeping me busy until the first week of August! Grrr...dreading class! My dad told me today I don't need to get a job if I don't want to. But I want to, but I might just wait to see how the whole schooling thing is going since I'm also working on observational hours. Problem is this class is from 3-6PM four days a week so it leaves me the mornings to do observation.

Realm of boys....well Dbq was fun, that guy didn't make it out with us because of work and family commitments, but it wasn't a big deal. At least he felt bad about it. He's like I really wanted to come out with you and I want to see you. He's like next time you come, give me a heads up and I'll come out! Then I wrote him an email because he thought I had some hidden agenda because he's like your friends have had such good things about you they must be covering things up! I'm not sure what all they said, I only know some of what they said...but what they said about me was true. He just can't believe all of it. He's like it's too good to be true. Anyways, to make a long story short we're good now! We spent like 4 hours chatting yesterday it was good....pretty natural. Stop talking for a bit on and off, you know how that goes....I kinda got sucked into the Cubs game and ignored him a bit, but he understood! He's a Cubs fan too!! :) YEAH!!! Anyways, I do like him. Not in love with him, I'm getting to know him, but I like what I know! But you know me, I'm too rational. I can't see getting involved right now because of being so busy and having other priorities right now!!! I'm not looking for a relationship at all right now, but if the right guy comes along under the right circumstances, I wouldn't pass up that opportunity!

Well, I'm watching the Cubs game still! It was good to see Soriano for 5 for 5 last night and is finally earning that pay check of his! Anyways, update more regularly now that I have a lap top and wireless once more! :)

Graduated!

2007-05-24T00:49:00.000-05:00

That's right, May 13th I graduated from the good old LC!!! :) Super proud of myself and my B.S. in Biological Research!!! :)

The last week of school was a blast especially after finals were over! Had a great time with everyone! Met a boy too! Why do I always have to meet a great guy when I don't have the time?! Of course, I met him before, but we just started talking on a regular basis that last week of school! He's got another semester in dbq and well i'm back in Chi-town! But at last good news, we're going on a date on Saturday night! :) I'm excited! He won't tell me where or what or anything though! He's like I want to surprise you! So i'm psyched and super excited about that one! Sucks cuz I know he's there and I'm back at home...oh well, but it will be fun!!!! I'm heading to dbq for the weekend to go on a last hurrah with my girls in dbq and to see other people too!

Know something odd, I'm chatting online with the one guy I had liked recently, and it just didn't phase me. I simply didn't care anymore. I haven't in awhile, just dawned on me though cuz we hadn't talked. Great guy, but our timing has always sucked and will continue to and it doesn't bother me anymore. It did for awhile, maybe cuz of other circumstances like we were actually going to be close to each other, but then there were changes in plans as always! It was nice for him to visit anyways, but I dunno, I hadn't truly thought about him in awhile. It's me, I don't get hung up on guys, well only one in my life ever....that was junior year of high school, honestly if u don't know who that guy is, you don't know me or you didn't know me then! It's the one guy I've liked since the first day of junior year in high school, he sat right behind me in 10th period rhetoric with ms. bannon! Reminds me, I can't remember the last time him and I talked recently, probably like fall semester early on. I'm almost positive. He was asking me about my tardigrades again! Thought it was cute he remembered! :) But that's another story!

It was nice to see my high school friends at helm's graduation party! Felt bad cuz I got bored and bugged out with all intentions of heading back over! Oh well, it's me it happens! Had fun though chilling with everyone! Headed home to get some of my school work done that is due here in about a week and half! So good job on me with being productive, but it made me sleepy and I hadn't slept so I fell asleep!

Hmm...what else! Oh yeah, I went to Daytona Beach, Florida after graduating with my girls for about a week! We had so much fun! Beach, drinking, going out, swimming, etc! It was a good time! :) I really will miss them so much! Yeah for one last hurrah in dbq this weekend!!! :)

Brad and I made amends after not talking for a very long time, like over a month, lol! Well, more like he apologized for a lot of thing during the last week of school. So we hung out a bit that last weekend there! After graduation everyone was out with their family and mine literally left 20 minutes after graduation to go home. Didn't take me out for lunch or anything! Just kinda came to the ceremony, took a few boxes from my house, and drove back home! :( Boo to them! Anyways, I was bored and Brad had texted and called me....so I ended up heading down to his place to help him move like 4 doors down! Nice to chill and catch up and not have him trying to be all over me! Although I was still wearing my graduation stuff and he said I looked beautiful which honestly shocked the hell out of me. I mean come on, it's Brad, end of story! Anyways, he had been calling and texting me while I was in Florida, same when I got back! So I ended up heading out to his place to chill with him and his friends! I like his friends, well the ones that I know! I still will laugh about what Brad said though. He's like Dave thinks you're hot and that you are the cutest and best girl I've had around me. Sorry I was laughing so hard when Brad told me this cuz yeah I'm not those things at all! Brad and I have been chilling back at home. He called evil ex roomie and bitched at her on the phone and told her i was there and all this other BS just to piss her off! I laughed, and he totally tried to make out with me while leaving her a voicemail! lol! it was hilarious! It's been fun hanging with him and his friends and neighbors! Brad is trying to be Mr. Nice Guy again, aka the good Brad. The one that I tend to like a very tad bit in a fun way! As soon as I get there every time he's all hugs, smiles, and usually gives me a kiss. The first time I headed up there and when I got there he's like I've missed you. Okay stop there, Brad doesn't miss people, if you don't know him, he's kinda of a jerk. Think like typical jock, cuz he is one. Anyways, he's like I really missed you and I didn't realize how much until I saw you again! He spent those two nights with at least one arm around my waist or holding my hand. Just odd. Don't ask. It's complicated and I don't like him like that to end any suspicions, etc. It's too much of story to tell or even begin to explain. Simply, he likes me, we were kinda together off and on, never dated, I got accused of lying, hated I liked someone else, that that someone else came to visit, in which he met him and made a huge deal about it, talking about a million girls to me which obviously drives me away cuz I'm not a jealous type, we fight a lot like we're married/siblings it's a fine line as to which some days, lol, but we have really good chemistry that I can't explain. Brad and I have had amazing chemistry from early on, we just hid it for reasons, but now people kinda know about it! It's complicated like I said. Anyways, he's by far my closest guy friend at school and someone who i've spent a lot of time with just hanging out and chilling with other people as well! It was good to see a good friend, have a few drinks, catch up, and be told that I'm actually missed! PLUS, it's also good to just good to get outta the house cuz I feel trapped here! Grr...hate that!

In response to comment left my Tianxiao's comment from the previous post, I just don't want to blog on the main page of killbam cuz no one really wants to read me blogging. Plus I don't find it appropriate to write what I do on the main page because it does not apply by any means. But I think I'm going to keep this up still nevertheless. I like it. I didn't realize you read it since I'm not linked off the killbam page anymore cuz Jeff removed my link. If people want to read this blog they can get it off my profile on the forum page. This blog was originally for you guys, but now it's for me more than anything else. It's for you too. On that note, I should dedicate this entry to Tian, my one constant reader over the years! :) Thanks!

Because this entry is dedicated to Tian I should rant and rave about how great he is and how he has been a good friend and how I'm always short on words and don't say thanks and that his friendship is appreciated.....but you already know all of that! But for those of you that don't, Tian is AWESOME and THE MAN! Sums it up nicely! He also provides me with anime fixes when I need them! Thanks again! Anyways, Tian is great.....on that note....off to bed, too excited for this weekend especially my date on Saturday!!! :)

Feedback

2007-05-09T17:38:00.000-05:00

Should I keep writing this blog or not?! I'm thinking what is the point right now, no one really reads it. I orginally was told to write this so people could keep track of me since I'm the more distant one cuz almost everyone else went to school with our other friends from high school! I was one of the only ones who didn't go to college with any of my friends! So should I keept this or no?!

I'm such a sucker for The Bachelor

2007-05-07T21:34:00.000-05:00

Yeah you heard me, I'm such a sucker for The Bachelor. But not that much of a sucker cuz I watched Heroes which has a thirty minute overlap with it and then flip to The Bachelor afterwards! Then tomorrow I'll watch it off of ABC's webpage!!! So I totally blame AMY for me liking this show!!! When we were freshmen we used to tape this show and watch this and ER together with Rachel. Well, mostly it was Amy who wanted to watch it and before I knew it, it was Amy and me! And we were hooked! lol! Anyways this season of The Bachelor is by far my favorite!!!! Okay for starters, The Bachelor is so HOT!!!! Okay for me to say a guy is really hot and sexy is a big deal!!!! Don't believe me?! See for yourself!!!

See Andy is totally hot and sexy!!! Anyways, he's honestly my favorite bachelor not because he is the hottest, because he's honestly the best bachelor they have ever had. He is an amazing stand up, all around, nice guy! He's not an asshole like most of the others have been! He's truly sincere and I actually enjoy this season because of it! He's a special operations Navy diver and a doctor and has some amazing values to top it off! I also love this season because I definitely have a favorite girl since early on and she's still in (Tessa).

I love the way Andy courts Tessa. I guess maybe it's because I relate to her and that's what I want from a guy. Plus Andy reminds me of all my favorite ex-boyfriends rolled into one! Just who he is and how he lives his life at least portrays really takes me back to my three favorite ex's and one guy I always wonder about from way back in high school (and if you don't know who this guy is, you really don't know me, I liked him for like two years and we should have dated before senior year, but didn't cuz he thought I didn't like him and he never had a chance..that's what you get for not telling me how you feel, cuz I won't tell you first!). I bet most people could guess two of them, but the third, that's my secret! Obviously the two are my last two longest relationships, Brian (2 yrs) and Vytas (1.5 hrs). Both great guys in their own regards. Went separate ways from both of them with good reasons: Not heading down the same road in life, different religious and family beliefs, too ambitious, needing space, needing time to be on my own, and needing time to grow more before settling too much and I just couldn't do it with him anymore! The last was the honestly one of the hardest things to do, to go against my heart, but I don't regret the break, just all the hell, grief, lies, and hurt! It showed me I needed to grow and mature and be on my own! Anyways, all great guys as I was saying, and maybe it's cuz Tessa reminds me of myself. Both slow, baby steps, like to test the waters, but not to get hurt! I don't pour my heart out to guys, i just can't. They have to tell me how they feel and not the other way around! That's the whole scenario with Andy and Tessa. Andy courts Tessa, tells Tessa how he feels about her, etc. Eventually she gets cornered by Andy to tell her how she feels! The boys is the key to getting me. Not that anyone who reads this really cares. I'm old fashioned and I love it! i like the courting, I like the dates, and I'm way more girly than people think or I'll ever let on! I love those things!

Speaking of courting, after my rant of boys I logged offline and was invisible for a few days and what do you know, many more problems solved! :) Plus I've been sick so I haven't had to see stupid boys! Meaning the ones that are really serious have found me. One of the cutest things ever was this guy who I met at a party about a month ago now, we had a planned date, but to make a long story short, his parents are divorced and his real dad called him, so he went out to visit him for the day since he hadn't seen him in over two years! So he had to break our date, I was disappointed cuz I was looking forward to it. First date since someone came to visit me.....no comment on that one right now, cuz if you read this you should know how I feel even if you don't know who. Anyways, this boy is a good guy, works 14 hours 6 days a week, so he doesn't have a lot of free time considering he gets off from his second job at 11PM usually! :( So I don't get to see him much! But we've hung out a few times since the time we met at the party! Anyways, we talk on the phone 2-3 times a week for about 20 minutes and send texts back and forth this has been going on since we met! So I was sick last week and he doesn't have internet so he doesn't know my screen name, but he brought me a small boutique of lilies! He had no idea in my screen name has lily in it!!! SO CUTE!!! Okay I might be allergic to flowers not that he knew, but I loved them nevertheless! Actually, I'm only really bad with carnations. I'm not bad with lilies and roses! He felt bad about breaking our date, but I totally understood! That's the thing about me, I'm so understanding like you wouldn't believe! Yeah I was disappointed but I definitely understood without question! I have a million reasons why not to fall for this guy, and I'm not going to. He's from Dubuque and I'm from Chi-town and I'm leaving exactly in a week! YEAH for GRADUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) I'm super psyched!

Okay, last entry rant about stupid boys! I retract the statement of not open to the possibility of a boyfriend. There's two right guys and if I had a chance with either I'd take them. But I'm not going to have that chance right now, and I'm not willing to date a guy who is even 3 hrs away from him. Honestly, this guy hear, great guy, he's not my type though. Not that I have a type, I just too many things I don't like and that are lacking the biggest being he never wants to leave Dubuque ever! I'm not okay with that! I'm on a different time table then him with different goals! I'm more mature, let's start with that fact that I'm 2 years older than him! He's 20, and isn't 21 until the end of December, by the time he's 21, I'm already 23! This point and time graduating from college is just a major milestone, and we're on different wavelengths! He asked if he could come visit me in Chi-town some time this summer though! He's like I'm willing to come see you hinting at the fact that he does want to date, but I've set him straight about that! I like hanging out with him and spending time with him and chatting on the phone, but right now is not good for me!

I've never needed a guy in my life, why start now?! Some day, but right now, I don't need it! I miss it! God, I miss the simple things more than anyone would ever know! I'm such a girl, just really undercover about it! I'm a tomboy on the outside and I like a lot of things the guys tend to like, but I'm still strong women surprisingly if you get me to let my guard down! That's the thing, guys get annoyed with me cuz I'm not quick to trust and let my guard down! I'm just not! It's why I'm not close with people and why I feel awkward around them!

Grr..I need to get back to studying!!! Stupid finals! Human Anatomy tomorrow! Wish me Luck!!! :)

Too Many Boys

2007-05-01T15:28:00.000-05:00

Too many boys in my life it seems like! AHHH!! I keep meeting guys or getting to know them or guy friends fall for me.....it's actually getting on my nerves. I hate being so pursued right now. To make it very clear at this current junction in my life I do NOT, I reapeat, I do NOT want a boyfriend right now! Honestly, I'm going back to Chi-town in two weeks from yesterday. Going on vaction almost immediately. Then working on my observation hours for Field Experience this semester and finishing up that homework and such! Then I'll probably head out to Akron to visit my brother for a few days and bring him some stuff from home. Then I'll go look for a job and work on applications for grad. school! Do you see any time in there for a boy, cuz I sure don't! I just don't want one right now! It's ME time only until I settle down and figure out what the hell I'm doing! When I do, then I'll go back to being open about relationships, but until then, this girl is not interested even if the two guys who I really do like were to ask me out, I'd say no on the spot. It's not that I let guys guide my life by any means, it's just I need to be alone right now to get down to business and get this life of mine going somewhere!

My rant about boys has been set off by the constant IM's, phone calls, text messages, e-mails, and actual conversations with these guys. There's a handful of them. The one if my friend who will never give up on me, so he tells me, but he hasn't a chance in the world anymore! This friend's best friend has been calling/texting me, but he doesn't know that, he's back at home right now! He came to visit here a few weeks ago to see our mutual friend and asked me for my phone number! Then another guy I met at a party a month ago now, nice guy, we hang out about once a week cuz he works 14 hrs a day monday-saturday! So Sunday is our night to chill out together which has been fun! I have another guy who im's, facebook messages me, emails me, texts and calls me, but that's been going on since the beginning of the semester! We hang out occasionally, i'm pretty busy and he's on the baseball team with my good friend (who is the first one listed who likes me). Oh wait, that one gets better because they are both starting pitchers....you figure out the rest from there! Already had a major incident with both of them randomly showing up at my house uninvited one night..that was a Saturday night from HELL! And that is just me starting...do you see why I'm currently annoyed!

All I want is some space! I don't im, text, call, etc...with them first! They start it and I don't always respond either! Half the time I'm sitting right at my computer and I ignore them! There's two guys I wouldn't mind talking to, the two that I actually like! But the part that sucks is that I haven't really talked to either much lately because I've been too busy with school or out with friends!

Graduation is May 13th!!!! I can't wait!! I'm excited!!! But so much to do in the mean time and I'm sad I'm leaving here! Wish I didn't have to move out of my house, I like my current room and being here and doing stuff here even if it is boring! I have a lot of things that I like to do alone here, running, field work, doing to the lock and dam, hiking, driving around, etc.! I just like doing things on my own more so than with other people! I like being alone to some extent, more than the typical person! You guys know me, i'm a bit of a loner, but hey i love a good cup of tea (ice or hot) and a good book sitting outside or curled up in a blanket in a comfy chair! :)

Today has been long...been tutoring at Senior all day today 7:30-3:00!!! Been working on homework since then pretty much! Took a break to write this obviously! Anyways, tonight i have a softball game and then my normal swim at 8:30 to visit Charlie who is lifeguarding! Well, better get back to the books!!! Almost done with school! YEAH!!! :)

Last Call Bar Crawl Class of 2007!!!!

2007-04-23T10:29:00.000-05:00

This weekend was fun! Friday I caught up on very much needed sleep! You know I need to sleep when pretty much I slept from 9PM-10Am!!! That's a whole lot more than my normal 4 hours or less!!!

Saturday was SENIOR BAR CRAWL!!!! Started drinking at about 1PM and drank until about 1AM!!! It was a blast and so much fun! I hardly spent any money which was awesome because we had really good drink specials when you wore your baby blue bar crawl shirt! Anyways, it was tons of fun! This was the end of the night! It's the three main girls and me in the middle and our new different friend Alison on one end and Katy hiding behind Margo on the other! Lot 1 was our last stop! Amy, Rachel, and me didn't make it to Paul's Tavern because we went to meet some people for dinner at the Busted Lift!

Sunday was homework day. So I did a bunch of homework. Went to Alison's play, All about Jack, it was cute! She was great in it! Then her, Latoya, some new boy of Latoya's, and I went out for ice cream at cold stone! We were the first there, but then before we knew it, tons of people were there! The boy I met last weekend at a party called me earlier in the evening but I told him I couldn't go out until 9ish. Anyways, he ended up falling asleep and turned his phone off so that when I called him back I didn't get a hold of him; hence, I went out for ice cream with the girls! Anyways, then he called me around 10ish so we hung out. It was fun, watched Sin City chatted a bit. But I can't help to say, I had fun, but I kept finding my mind wandering over to someone else. I really missed him last night. Yeah I had fun, but fun on a friendship level. I'm not interested in him romantically at all, he's a good guy, just not my type and he doesn't make me feel anything. It's hard to know the way a certain guy made me feel by simply brushing against me would just run a wave of emotion through my blood warming me! I know that sounds crazy, but that's exactly how it felt! Maybe that's why I can't stop thinking about this guy when I have time to think about guys....which if you knew me, isn't all that often cuz I'm always busy with school!! Anyways the best part was this morning when I woke up, he had left me an IM! :) It was just nice to get a hey from him, seems like we're always missing each other! :( Oh well, it happens!!! But I do miss him and I haven't forgot about him enough yet, obviously! It will pass being that there's too many circumstances keeping us apart! Just is going to take time and someone amazing to get me to stop thinking about him tomorrow! Doesn't make me feel so guilty about thinking about this guy while I was on my date on Sunday night! Cuz I felt really guilty and I know that sounds crazy! But my last date before that was with that guy...and it just made me miss him! So it made me smile to find an IM from him! It's not that I lost hope, it's just, well I know it's a lost cause at this current moment in time, but I wish it wasn't, but it's for reasons beyond control that things are as such! It happens! But it's not that I lost or lose hope, even if it seems like that at times, it's just I know that at this very minute it is a lost cause! Don't get me wrong, I hope beyond belief and I will always hope, but I'm not the type of girl who gets hung up on a guy or let's that get to her.

Anyways, I have a busy day tomorrow and I'm going to try to actually get some sleep for once! Crazy, I know! lol! Busy day for me tutoring at Senior all day! Night night! Sweet dreams all~ :P

Over and Over

2007-04-14T12:39:00.000-05:00

I love this song by Three Days Grace off of their One X album "Over and Over"

I feel it everyday it's all the same
It brings me down but I'm the one to blame
I've tried everything to get away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to

It feels like everyday stays the same
It's dragging me down and I can't pull away
So here I go again
Chasing you down again
Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to

It's weird all the lyrics don't work with how I'm feeling , just bits and pieces. It's weird cuz the last time I had a conversation face to face with this guy this song was playing. We were having a serious conversation and were kissing goodbye in the car to the chorus of this song. Every time I hear this song, I think of him and that kiss....even though that wasn't our last kiss. Chorus is just kinda perfect in a way cuz it's kinda true...
Over and over, over and over
I fall for you
Over and over, over and over
I try not to
Over and over, over and over
You make me fall for you
Over and over, over and over
You don't even try to
He's never been anything but himself, and I fell a bit for him. Sucks he's not around. I really hope one day we get our act together and give it a try. I never meant to fall for him a bit, but I did. I just can't seem to fall for the guys here who like me. I just don't. We all know I have a handful of guys here who like me. I just don't feel anything for them. The one guy I did for awhile, but he messed that one up all on his own. Then he gets on my case because I talk about one guy and tell him that I like this guy, but god forbid that...when all he does is talk about a million different girls. It doesn't make me jealous, just turns me away completely. If you like someone, don't talk about a million other girls. You can be subtle and give hints about the person you like, especially when you both know what you are talking about. I'm old-fashioned that was a problem too! He liked me so much, but thought I would never like him even a bit...that was his mistake cuz he didn't take the risk. I dunno, I felt like recently I took a huge risk.....and I dunno......I dunno why I even try or bother....being that it's pointless! :( Sucks!

So yesterday was return of all the boys I liked, dated, or was very good friends with......not even kidding you and I'm not going to classify what they are, if you know me you'd know the answer to all of them! Let's start with the phone calls/text....normal daily ones from Brad, wait I also got one a piece from Aaron. Next on to IM's....duh...Brad, Kyle, Brian, Joe, Aaron, Vilius, Vytas, and three others I'm not going to name for certain reasons.

I had a shitty day yesterday to begin with cuz of my computer...pretty much I'm not going to start about it, but this sets the scene and mood: Lost all my notes for my huge anatomy test and lost the 2nd rewrite of my 20-page research paper....end story I had to rewrite the whole damn thing for the 3rd time starting at about 2 PM and it was due by 5PM! Eek! So I was have a shitty day...oh and my parents calls and yelled at me at about 5PM...and then the IM's came pouring at about 3 or4 PM....from all the above listed or unlisted. My favorite IM came from Vilius! He left me a cute message to cheer me up since my away message was something along like, "Having a fucking bad day....leave me something to smile about~". Anyways, he left me something cute, too bad I was too busy working on my paper to talk to him! I haven't talked to him in awhile since he doesn't have Internet anymore...so we've been exchanging convos through facebook, but we both get too busy and forget to reply back after we read them for a few weeks half the time...I've been awful at that lately! I haven't seen him since he came to visit me here which was like the end of November! I wasn't home ever to see him over winter break like we had planned...opps!

These IM's from all these people just really took me back and made me reflect back on everything lately. In a way they represent different stages of me and growth in an odd way, some more than others. Especially the ex boyfriends and the ones I was pretty much seeing but not officially dating, but everyone knew we were "together." One of the ex is more haunting than the others....but he's one I didn't list...I don't want to think of that one. He tried to leave me something to smile about but instead it was just weird to list a joke that we had together...it was awkward and out of place. Wow....I can't tell you the last time I even thought about him, talked to him, etc. I can't remember things between us even if I try, I just don't recognize myself cuz it was so long ago etc. But the guys of more recently, which the ones above are but aren't too, but it's just weird. The worst part is the only guy I currently like, I haven't talked to in awhile again. Part of me wishes that he didn't come just so we'd always talk like we did before he came....I'd rather just have that hope then to know that there just isn't really after he left. It's not that it's lost hope, but it feels that way more and more everyday! He used to get online and IM like all the time....and now it's never...only when I IM him, and I can't explain why I just really don't...it's hard to explain....I can't, it's feelings and not words.

But I missed him last night. I had an awesome time out with my girls, but we were dancing and drinking a lot at the end of the night! I honestly remember stop dancing at one point and time and I thought about him! I thought about sending him a text message says I'm out at the bars, drinking and dancing....you owe me a dance remember?! miss ya! But I didn't, I couldn't. I hadn't planned on running into Aaron at all, but I did. He said hi like the second I got there and is like brb. A few minutes later he has his arms around me and giving me a hug from behind and starts dancing behind me when I was just standing there talking to my friends. I liked dancing with him in the past, we had fun.....especially the one night at the Colosseum...I think that's one of my favorite memories of him and I. So I danced with Aaron for awhile....then he grabbed my hand and was like come to Lot 1 with me! But I chatted for awhile, and slipped away discretely back to my friends...I just didn't want to go with him. I just don't. Anyways, then Rachel's boyfriend's friends were there and ended up dancing with one of them on and off throughout the night! It was fun, but when I got home I missed him....sent him an im about going out dancing and how he should have been there! I really wish he had been here longer than just two days....but something is better than nothing! We had a great night out!!! Seems like our best nights out always start without the guys...and then we meet up with them halfway through the night!!

When I got home, I ended up chatting on AIM with a few people. Had a really nice convo with Vyts. We started talking awhile ago. We keep trying to actually see each other in person, but we're on such different schedules that we haven't had time to! When I drove someone down to the Quad Cities to catch his ride home I was going to meet up with him for lunch, but I ended up wanting to get back to school and he had volunteered to do something until 4PM...so he's like if you want to at 4PM....but I was going to drive an hour north to drive another hour back south to drive an hour back north to campus. We were going to meet for dinner like a week earlier since last second I ended up down in Clinton...anyways, yet again we couldn't for certain reasons. So then he was going to call me over Easter, but he was too busy and I would have been too! Just life is crazy it seems like! We're going to try to hang out over the summer and catch up....I'm not sure how I feel about that! Scared, weird, awkward, etc...sums it up..pretty mixed emotion about that one.

I better get back to studying!!! EEKK! later~

The weekend I was looking forward to...

2007-04-07T16:11:00.000-05:00

Well, the weekend that I was looking forward to so much has passed! I had a great weekend with this guy I like. He came to visit when he didn't have to, but he wanted to! :) He learned there's not much in Dbq, but we still had a good time despite my friends being unavailable to hang out for certain reasons. Anyways, we had fun went out to dinner, hung with friends, watched movies, drove around the area, etc. I think the best part of the weekend was the fact that he came. I only wished he would have stayed! I really didn't want him to go, we had a great weekend! Although I'm disappointed in myself for not saying how I felt about him and the fact I acted really distant on Sunday when he had to leave to go back home....too bad he's so far away! :( I had a really great time, just timing sucks and I dunno what I'm doing coming up here shortly! The future has too many unknowns!

Saturday night was fun! He took me out for Sushi at the new Japanese restaurant! I've never had sushi before then! It was so good!!! I love it! Then we hung out at The Lounge, a quiet spot that makes Swamp Water! It's good with tons of alcohol in it!!! But, it just so happened my one group of friends were there! So the guys came up to me and said hi and a few gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek cuz that's the way they are with all the girls! Anyways, worst part was my ex was there. Of course he kept smiling at me and waving at me from the bar and starting. So I was like come say hi and stop staring! I'm sure this annoyed the guy I went with, he seemed a bit annoyed I knew people but didn't really introduce him, cuz they came to quickly say hi and leave! Anyways...so Aaron came over and wanted to chat a bit. But of course he wanted a hug first and my guy seemed a bit like wtf is going on and who are all these people! lol! Anyways, we had fun eating popcorn and having a few drinks together and just chatting! It was nice to spend time with him, I never really had! I like just being around him and the way he made me feel. I can't explain it, but I liked being all curled up next to him watching movies and chatting! It was comfortable, which anyone who knows me knows that is a very hard thing for me to do! I'm just not open and comfortable around people cuz I don't like to get hurt. I don't let a lot of people into my life. I enjoy being alone to come extent! I like having alone time and just doing what I need to do and enjoying things I love no matter if anyone else does! I never look for approval. I'm me and that's all I know how to be. Anyways, I wish he was closer.

Now that he's gone it's weird. He used to get online and IM all the time and we'd chat. Since he's left, he's barely said a word! :( It confuses me. He tells me he had a great time here, kisses me goodbye. Tells me online he had a great time and then that's it. We don't talk anymore! He never IM's, e-mails, messages me, texts, or calls me like he has in the past! I didn't realize anything changed between us! We both knew this weekend was for fun and that we couldn't be together if we wanted to because of how far we are and who knows when we'll see each other next! I guess I'm disappointed and let down. I hate that! So my friend who's at school has tried to sweep in thinking that in some way I'm emotionally vulnerable and try to step back into my life sorta like a boyfriend. Of course he's naive and doesn't know me well enough to know that his plan doesn't work! He sends me text messages all the time which are like I miss you, come sleep with me, I want to cuddle with you, etc. Funny how I ignore them or respond with I'm too busy or uninterested! I don't think he'll ever get the hint! Don't get me wrong, I like hanging out with him, but that's it! I see him as a friend. I know if I wanted a boyfriend I could have one. I have my choices of three guys at school, but I just don't like them the way they like me. If I had my choice, I do have someone I'd like to date if only the circumstances surrounding that was different, but it's not! I'm happy the way I am for the most part! I do miss having someone in my life, but it's not essential by any means!

Anyways, I'm back at home in the burbs. Nice to be home sorta. I haven't spent any time at home, I've been avoiding it! But it was nice to get away from Dbq, although it's really grown on me more recently. I'm actually going to miss it, and I actually never thought I would! But I'm at home which means I can download ANIME again!! So i'm enjoying and checking out some newer stuff! :) Sucks being home though, I don't talk to anyone here anymore nor do they talk to me. I'm stil friends with some people, but very loosely! I hung out with Paul, he's about the only one I always see and hang out with over all my breaks when I'm at home! No one else calls me but him. I guess that says a lot! My friends from school call, but that's about it. Anyways, I think I'm going to hang out with some people from school tonight who live about 25 minutes away! later~

Yeah Weekend!!!

2007-03-23T18:16:00.000-05:00

YEAH it's the WEEKEND!!!! It's much needed for me! This has been one very shitty week! Tests, fighting with just about everyone, and I almost told the boy I liked not to come see me because I know he has things to do and his money could be better spent! That's the horrible part about myself. I worry about everyone else but me! I honestly could be miserable, but as long as I know my closest friends are okay and happy, somehow it's okay! I suppose that's the worst part about me! I care too much about people that I'm close with, which is why they are few and far between. Speaking of which, I found out my ex-best friend is telling people that I slept with a guy that I never have ever!!!!!! It's really pissing me off! She's calling me a whore! Wow...she has slept with 17 guys that I know of this school year! That's just gross!!! And I can count on a single hand with very few fingers how many guys I have slept with in my ENTIRE life!!!! Just wow!!! I mean really....just wow...I'm sick of her shit! Some best friend! Just beyond me! I have never done anything to her until recently! The guy she used to like....and yes past tense.....anyways he's like me since October! Anyways, two nights him and I hooked up while drunk earlier this semester! This guy and I are friends and it's not a big deal! But I have to admit, I do miss having a guy around! But I don't want him....I definately have someone else I like even though I know it's not gonna happen! But I miss curling up with someone and watching a movie and falling asleep! I miss the simple things!

No more time to type...out for girl's night in....strawberry daiquiri's, pizza, and movies!! :P

Excited For St. Patrick's Day!!!

2007-03-14T21:11:00.000-05:00

Awesome St. Patty's Day Shirt huh?! I think so! :) See for yourself!!!

Then again.....what's a DUHAWK?!?! Only I would understand that one (or my fellow peers)!!! :P Du what?! DUHAWKS!!! Go Dewey!!! lol! :P

I'm in a weird mood if you couldn't tell....and wow...3 posts in one day! Record I do believe!!!!

I'm looking forward to Saturday!!! I'm doing community service from 10-2PM and then Charlie and I are going to get lunch and then get DRUNK at The Lift!!! :P

~Updating~

2007-03-14T18:27:00.000-05:00

I swear I'm going to start keeping up with this thing! I'm going to attempt to update at least once a week...got to ease back in now that I should have some time to do so being that I'm done with my thesis! :)

Thesis Complete

2007-03-14T17:18:00.000-05:00

YEAH!!! My THESIS is FINISHED!!! I presented it on Monday to the students, faculty, and other guest who attended!! So I'm happy that I'm done with that and quite relieved! Two years or work is complete; hence, being completely relieved and content that I have greatly accomplished two and half years of hard work! It is a result of all I have sacrificed....which is more than words can express. But I am happy with the choices I have made although at times they do make me sad....but in the end...it's all been for the best! :)

In other news, I have been quite happy not just because of my thesis! I'm the girl that doesn't get excited about a boy...but I am. We were chatting online last night about stuff. Anyways he called me a tease! lol! Oh I know I am, I will owe up to it, but that lead me to mention about how i hear I am by certain guys who have liked me, but have never made it known to me by asking me on a date or even out in general. About how guys miss their oppertunities by showing no interest and what i said having no guts to ask me on a date. So he asked me on a date when we're both in town, being as such that he doesn't go to Loras with me! So being the tease that I am...of course I said I dunno...but then finally yes! :) I'm really excited to go on this date, he just doesn't know that! It's odd to think, my friends don't understand. They are like you have two guys who are fighting over you and another one here who likes u as well who is unaware of the other two....and I'm like so! I'm not interesting and I don't give any of them the impression that I am! I hang out with some of them cuz we're friends, but friends is where it ends! I don't like them for various reasons! Anyways, he promises on Monday that he will pick a date and see if that works for both of us!!! Point is, i have three guys here at school who like me, but ever since this guy and I started talking, I have paid no attention to any of them! Not that I did in the first place, but even more so I find myself not even teasing them like I did before online or at the bars because that's where I normally see them! I know I'm a tease, I enjoy it! Anyways this guy makes me laugh. I've been honest with him as to what is going on here with me and other guys...no reason to lie! He makes me laugh....says that, "Men would wage wars for you, that you've destroyed nations and leveled cities on a whim!" Makes me smile and laugh....and feel terrible too, because I know I am a tease and have broken more hearts that I ever imagined or knew. I can't help it that guys don't have guts and that I am old-fashioned! Old-fashioned as such that I do not ask guys on dates and do not make first moves! I was taught to be old-fashioned and respectable! Respectable women by day....who knows by night! ;) lol! I'm looking forward to getting to know him better! I've "known" him for quite some time now, but I never really got to know him or ever spend time one on one with him that I can recall! So this should be fun! I do like him...I just know I tend to hide back when I like people and am more honest with them than I should be! Honest because I don't have anythign to hide from them, so why not tell them what is going on, but at the same time that often drives them away! I can't help it like currently there are 3 guys who are vying for my affection here at school, but I am not interested! My only interested currently is not at school at me! Is it weird to like someone you haven't spent so much time with and who isn't here with you?! We've been chatting online and a bit on the phone and we've gotten to know each other better! I can't wait to go on our date!!! :) I realize he's not here with me, but it doesn't matter! I know how I have felt about him in the past and now....that's all that matters in terms of those things! I care not that he cannot spend every day with me! Anyone who knows me well, knows I like to have some space and time to myself...although this is a lot of time and space, it's okay! I like a guy who isn't here with me...and our timing seems like it sucks, but I hope! I have hope that one day we will have our date! :) Somehow I hope I'm not setting myself up for disappointment, it's the one thing i hate the most is to be disappointed, but that is life! Take the good with the bad in stride! Anyways, i'm excited over a great guy, odd for the tomboy me, but truth nevertheless! :)

Well, currently I'm relaxing and watching the HBO Series Rome first season! I love it! Well, I should probably be studying than watching this, but oh well! Almost done with this episode and then I'll get back to the homework!

Oh yeah, I had a very "interesting" Saturday night....but maybe another day...it's a good story that my roommate Margo is dying to hear since Andrea and I bonded that night about the events that occured at the house! But that will be tomorrows joys! Thursday tradition!! My three best friends since we've been froshies and I go out to happy hour for drinks and dinner! It's fun and I love my girls! I wish we had more time to spend together!!!! :)

Illinois State School Trip

2007-02-19T22:22:00.000-06:00

This weekend was so much fun! Friday night I ended up staying in Dubuque because of the weather! Did homework most of the night and then headed over to a friends house! Ended up I was the only girl there with a few of my guy friends! I was bored cuz they were watching some stupid movie that I missed 3/4 of and just didn't care to figure out at all! Anyways, Alison called me so I ended up heading out with her. Brad got super pissed of at me. Said i ditched him, when I said you guys were boring and when i asked what they were doing they said nothing! So she called me to pick me up, so I left to go out with her! The second i get in the car Brad has already sent me the first of several text messages: Why didn't you invite me? Miss you hun! *Gag* Anyways, Alison and I went over to East Dubuque to the Arena for $1 pitchers which is amazing!!! :) So we had a blast drinking, dancing, and socializing with tons of people! Anyways, Arena wasn't opened long so I spent most of the night in the Collesum! It was fun! This guy named Ben who's Zach's younger brother came up to me and is like you're beautiful and kissed me on the cheek! Anyways, ended up chatting with him and dancing this him half the night when I wasn't being mauled by Aaron who was trying to get back with me again. Wow, the guy can't take a hint some times I think! Anyways I pushed some other girl on him, anyways by the end of the night he ended up going home with her! Had a great time drinking and dancing with my friends and met some new people! Was a good time! Anyways to sum up the rest of the text messages I got that night pretty much were like I wish I was with you, I want you, please find me when you head back to Dubuque i want to see you tonight, etc. A little after 2AM, Brad and a few of the guys I was with earlier end up at the Colluseum and so he jumped a ride home with Alison, Aaron, Britney, and me. That was an interesting car ride home across the bridge! Anyways, I hung out with Brad for awhile and chatted about a lot of stuff! Anyways, he made me well aware how he still felt about me. But I'm just not interested in him, I haven't been as long as I;ve know him! He's really liked me since he met me but really started to pursue me until November, but I just don't see him more than just a good friend! Anyways, him and I will remain good friends. I don't want to date him! I like to spend time with him, we got out to dinner at least once or twice a week with his roommates, one of who is my best friend and then another one of my good friends! :) And then I chill at their place a lot since they all live together!

Saturday morning, got up after falling alseep at almost 6AM and was on the road just before 11AM to start my drive to my Uncle's house because it was his birthday and to see my two little cousins too! Anyways, the roads were a mess! 61 was just icey and snowy everywhere! I saw two large herds of deer running across and parallel to the interstate! Was really cool to see them running, minus that the one herd put some cars in a ditch! It was an amazing sight to see nevertheless! Rest of the trip was horrendous trying to drive down! Cars were in ditches everywhere! My uncle ended up sending me down to the middle of no where to get to his house and I ended up getting lost because the snow was piled up covering street signs and I had never went the backway into his house since I was coming from the opposite direction that I always go to his house from! Anyways, so I'm lost on this street which turns out to be the street i'm supposed to be on....anyways, its the tiny, not very well kept, typical narrow country road and there's snow drifts such that you cannot drive in your lane! So I had to drive in the other lane and pull over in open areas where it is possible to be for a few cars I met along the way! The roads are icey and between the snow drifts and the wind, you can't see a majority of the patches of ice. Well, I was going around a turn slowly and ended up car just kept sliding and ididn't want to end up in the left hand ditch, so I gently steered right, but ended up hitting a bit of a too high snow dift and another patch of ice and before I know it, I ended up with my car half on the road on the right hand side and half in the ditch. So I tried to get out, nope no luck! Start shoveling myself out, nope no luck! 15 minutes passes by no one is around, there's nothing near where i am! I'm not sure where I am, I can't get a hold of my uncle and I dunno what street i'm even on! Not gonna lie, started freaking out a bit! Luckily I decided to try again and two guys showed up in a van and had a shovel and helped me dig out, but our efforts failed and my car slide completely into the ditch, stupid ice! About another 15-20 minutes passes and luckily a truck drives back who has a tow chain. So he pulls me out in literally two seconds! It was amazing and I'm so greatful! There was no damage on the car luckily! :) I didn't freak out driving when it happened to that helps! So it turns out I was literally less than 3 minutes away from his house! All i had to do was finish up the turn and go over the rise, turn left and go down 3 blocks to his house! CRAZY!!!! Five hours after leaving Dubuque, I finally arrive in White Heath, Illinois!

I had a great time hanging out with my little cousins! They are so adorable! The eldest is a bit whinny though, hate that! But what can I saw, they are spoiled little brats! I spent half of my night there with them! It was fun and my Uncle's birthday...47, he's getting old! lol! Then I left to head over to University of Illinois Champaign-Urbana to Arene's place! 72 wasn't too but 74 was ridiculous! It was icey as all get out and people were flipped over and in ditches etc, it was crazy! Every couple of hundreds of yards or so was nother car pulled off and abandoned! It was ridiculous! Finally reaching Arlene's house, I couldn't get into her drive way! Took me 3 attempts and shovel to get into her driveway! Went over to her house, chilled for awhile and changed clothes for the party! Was feeling really tired and lazy, I didn't even put on any make-up...normally I'd wear a bit for a party! Eye liner, concelear, lip gloss, but nope nothing.

Arlene and I had fun walking over to Tian's house. Were ther for awhile chilling and playing Wii!! I want one so bad still!!! They are so much fun to play!!! Evenutally everyone started to show up we were waiting on and we walked a few more blocks over to Melissa's place. Had a lot of fun there playing flippy cup, cards, chatting, hanging out, dancing, etc.! Over all, the party was a lot of fun! It was nice to see everyone again! At first it was weird, but then it just wasn't anymore! It was nice to see a few people in particular! Definately blushed when a certain guy put his arm around me. I was looking at the pictures of me and him and they look so comfortable. It was really comfortable to be around him even though our last encounter was an interesting one...i'll leave it at that! Overall the party was so much fun!

Apparently I suck at posting and saved this as a draft! This is from two weekends ago! opps!!!

First Day Back to School

2007-01-16T17:23:00.000-06:00

Well second semester senior year started today!!! Wow...time if flying by this year! So much I want to do and never enough time! Class was alright, just one class today, a stupid gen ed that is a quarter long! YEAH! Tomorrow the funnes of classes will resume! Human Anatomy and Physics are gonna be my two hardest classes hands down and will keep me busy! In total, I'm taking 9 classes for 16 credits! This confuses me, cuz this is the most number of classes that I'm taking, but yet the least amount of credits!!!! Crazy I know!

Anyways....kinda in a bind....I have two guys that I really like! Yet I have this third guy that likes me and has asked me out! I said NO! He caught me so off guard! He's not the type of guy I even want to be in a relationship with by any means! He's kinda shady with everyone, but me! He isn't with me, he's so honest! I never understood why...but now I do! I didn't know he liked me! I've never thought twice about him becuase one of my friends likes him so I wouldn't touch him anyways, but still! I mean we're friends, but it stops right there! I'm just suprised cuz they were attached at the beginning of the semester, yet he's never asked her out! Yet he's asked me out on a few occasions! I want to keep him as a friend, but it stops there!!! But I'm excited cuz the one guy I've liked for awhile isn't in a relationship anymore, and he imed me and we've been chatting a lot! I didn't realize that he was single until today!!! :) One of the guys I've always thought was cute is in one of my classes this semeter! ;) hehehe! Something cute to look at least...can't say I know him one bit! I have a friend who is like I'll put in a good word for you if you want, etc.....but I'm like no! I'm shy etc....and honestly, I don't think for one second he'd go for me! Although I do have to admit I ran into him last year at Subway and he's like you're in one of my classes this semester aren't you?! And I'm like no...he's like you look really familar! Have we had class together, and I'm like yeah, first semester, sophomore year! He's like oh yeah...that's right! I knew I had class with you! We did some small chat while he was working, and then someone else came in so I left....hmm...I always wonder...I should have introduced myself...he did to me, but then we got sidetracked...some times I wonder! I was dating someone else at the time, but still! I remember tellling one of my friends about it...oh and then I heard she got on him two weeks later....how that does not suprise me one bit! Wow, I'm not telling her who I like anymore! She always gets on them....there isn't a guy yet, or that she hasn't at least tried to, but he wasn't interested!!! It's just annoying..and I've said things about it, but she just doesn't make the connection or something! Grr! Anyways....

I'm going out to dinner now...I'll finish up later~

About time for an update

2006-12-30T12:46:00.000-06:00

I love watching movies or shows that leave you with a feeling when they are over. They can be any sort of feelings. But it’s those feelings that make you have an attachment or relate to what you just saw. Those feelings leave a lasting impact. It’s like life little lessons are reminded

You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Knowing that deep down inside somewhere you’re not okay. Having that feeling that something is wrong. No matter how put together you seem to be. No matter how much everyone thinks you got things planned and respect you cuz you got it and they don’t.
*tears* All I know is I’m not okay and I don’t know why. I can’t explain it, but I’m not okay! I’m losing it, and I don’t even know what it is! But I don’t have it! I’m lost and I don’t even care about anything, lifeless! Some thing is wrong and I can’t fix it. Everyday it’s eating me alive. But on the outside, I’m so put together I make people jealous. If they only knew the truth

Anyways, I'm back at school for some New Years Celebration and tutoring after the new years at the high school!!! :P Christmas was more like Happy December Turkey Day and really wasn't all that great, but I don't really want to get into it! Grrr, I missed the guy I like, he wanted to hang out last night and this weekend, he invited me over to some of our other friends for New Years, but I had other plans!! :( Oh well, I mean I could have stayed, but you know I don't let a guy dictate my life! Nor do I make it obvious that I like a guy! Chances are if you think I'm out right flirting with you, I'm probably just having some fun and joking around, although I know I slip up on occasion.....the best of us do! We're human!

Lately, I've been in love with Memoirs of a Geisha! I bought all my christmas presents as usual, and this is what I got!!! :) Time for lunch, since I just got back to school, I have no food! Only the clemintines I brought with me! Yum! :)

Finals!

2006-12-09T16:01:00.000-06:00

I have 7 final exams in 3 days! 3-3-1....ugh! 6 of which are cumulative and 1 that is just over the last month and half's material!!! GRRR!!! So much studying! On top of that is my final thesis project, which is written in bulk, but needs some massive editing espeically in the introduction!!!! Plus I still need to write an abstract! Needless to say, I'm going to be a hermit in the library until Thursday, when my finals end, an of course I only have finals Tuesday through Thursday! :( So when I get out from under all of this work and studying to do for my finals....I'll start keeping back up with my blog, but until then...

Visitor!

2006-11-18T07:29:00.000-06:00

Yeah!! I'm gettting a visitor this evening! V is coming down from UW-Platteville! :) Hopefully tonight will be fun despite the fact that people are not going to be around and what not! oh well! On a sad note...I'm sick as of late last night and I'm not feeling the best...grr :( Thinking that I should go back to bed here shortly! Night night~

Crazy Drama

2006-11-12T22:44:00.000-06:00

So this started out as the week from hell, but this weekend was amazing! Things always have a way of turning themselves around even when it doesn't seem possible!! :) So where to begin is the real question.....

So last week started as the week from hell on Saturday night. I was a good girl, went to the library and studied most of the night! Alison convinced me to go hang out after Joe kept calling and trying to get me to come....but I was insistent for studying another hour or so. Eventually I got ready, grabbed Alison and headed over to the NAC to Joe's place. Guess who is just getting home from the hockey game at that very same instant?! None other than Aaron. So I really didn't feel like saying hi because we were late from running into other people and chatting with them far too long. Anyways, finally get to Joe's and they are finishing up a round of F*ck the Dealer. So I decided I wanted to go say hi to Aaron so he doesn't think I'm ignoring him. I'm just confused as to how I feel about him at this time. He was number one in my book of guys I like. Yep, that's right number 1, if you don't believe that I'm sorry, I was confused and sending mixed signals I know. Anyways, so I say hi and chat with him real quick! I like his new shorter hair cut! Anyways, then I leave to head to a party with Joe and people in his apartment. So we go to the party, find out it's bring your own stuff and Alison is going to meet us in a bit she had to wait for a friend. Long story short...I head out to get alcohol with her an hour later. We have a few drinks at the party and then head over to the NAC to visit some of her friends. Spent time with them and what not. Then we ended up going to my house had another drink, and then went back to the NAC since our group came back from bowling. So we go over to another group of guy's apartment that I hang out with. Here's where the story get interesting.....

So I get to the guy's place and guy who I see laying on Adam's airmatress?! Aaron...but oh wait there's a girl laying on top of him!!! Who is this girl you may ask....it's my best friend!!!!! :( Not cool, not cool one bit! Oh it gets better....she doesn't realize that I'm there for at least 15 minutes, in which I get to see her kiss him! Oh wait, I'm not the only who saw it because two other people said something to me too, pretty much along the lines of...I thought Aaron and you were "together." Anyways, then she realizes I'm there, so she tries to play it off like I didn't see her or something. Then she eventually comes and sees me like oh I just got there and she just noticed her best friend is here....BS! Anyways, we chat and I act like nothing is wrong...I know terrible thing to do, but that's who I am, pretend like everything is okay! Anyways, then I call her out on it! I'm like Christa, I saw you! And she pretty much denies that she was laying with Aaron...etc! And eventually she confesses....and I go I saw you kiss him...and she's like no I didn't! That sort of thing....anyways, she tells me she did that because she was jealous that the boy she likes, Brad, came to my glow in the dark volleyball game, he played for us becuase we needed a player, and finally because the stupid guy put his arm around me for two minutes and I didn't push him off right away. I was talking to Charlie and I saw Aaron coming down the hall, I wasn't really paying any attention to Brad or that fact this his arm was hanging around my neck! Anyways, I find this completely unacceptable! You don't backstab your best friend! She knew that I really liked Aaron still and something was still on and off with him and me, plus she's like in love with Brad....so why the hell does she always have to try to/suceed on getting on the guys I have in my life! It's like Nicole picks the best guys in the world, I want one of them, etc. Well she got her wish on Saturday night and in the process broke my heart. I really liked Aaron and I was trying to come clean with him about everything, but I couldn't after seeing her with him. I was really sad and hurt. I really liked Aaron and she fucking knew it! So there's no way she should have been doing what she did....but that's Chirsta for you! Anyways, that whole situation got way out of hand....

Edit: This is from two weekends ago....apparently i hit the save as draft and not publish post! opps!

Decided to stop being lazy and finally recap what's going on with me!

2006-11-03T02:15:00.000-06:00

Well, things have been crazy for me! School has been insane! I'm still working on my lovely thesis! Eek...I of all people changed my hard deadline from this Friday to next Friday! Next Friday I call it quits on going through all my tardigrades! Then it's analysis and paper churning out time! Taking the GRE next week oh and my comprehensive Biology Test to graduate, which I must pass mind you, is in three weeks! AHH!! So much on my plate! This semester has been pretty comparable to last fall, but this year there's so much more going on outside my school life!

What's going on in the guy front! Ha good question, but right now I can't comment on it because of the people who know have this. All I say say is that I dated a guy for two weeks. I doubt that I posted that here, but those that knew me well, knew that the next guy I was gonna date was not gonna be my usual guy! Guess what he wasn't in the best way possible for the most part! But, sometimes extreme difference can't be overlooked and not knowing people well doesn't always make the best couple. That's all I'm gonna comment about that since I know he can read this. Best to keep things to myself, might mean me making a new journal out in cyberspace somewhere! lol! Not that I need one more, three is enough, considering this is the only one I've kept up with sorta!

I'm really looking forward to November 17th! Like I'm jumping up and down....why might you ask! Why might I be so excited about that day! Because Beau come into town! And I'm doubling with Sam and him that day! :) I miss hanging with those two and our dinner, movies, games, etc! I miss last year's Tuesday nights so much this year! Tuesday was the best! Tuesday meant home cooked meal by Sam, Bridget, or me, we all took turns cooking dinner for our boys! It was a nice thing to do! The six of us, well five if my boy couldn't make it cuz he had night class! :( After dinner, it was homework in the library for about an hour to two hours! Then was my favorite part of the night! It was drinking card games! I so miss our low key having fun nights! They were the best! It was roommate bonding and bonding with the guys! I miss those times so much! I really miss those days! Things were so different then, my life isn't the same then as it is now! I'm not the person I was then as I am now. Not that I'm a completely different person, but things change. Back to November 17th...well the guy who I asked first and wanted to go with is being all iffy! He's like i don't want to be second fiddle! Whatever! Didn't know he was playing second fiddle....to who?! Not that he would know, but I don't think I've given him a real reason for one second for him to think that he is second fiddle, or any fiddle. I didn't know I toyed with people like so! As I recall, I'm not the heart breaker in this case, well not heart breaker really, but you get the gist. It was his choice in the end. He doesn't understand me yet, and I'm getting to understand him,but I don't know him yet! It takes so much time to really know a person! Anyways, I was really excited for him to come with me, especially cuz I asked the last day we were dating, but I thought he wouldn't still want to go! But now, he's like I'll go if you want me to! Then he's like I'm not sure it's right! I think he forgot that one of my guy friends might be coming to visit, so I might just take this guy as purely a friend with me! Point is, I could ask someone else. Last time I checked, I haven't, so I'm confused who he gets off being like I'm second fiddle. I don't think he has any idea really, and I'm not about to clue him in on my blog. Maybe he's first fiddle, maybe second, maybe third, maybe some other number....then again maybe he's no fiddle! Last time I checked I didn' tknow i fiddled around with people like that! But in this case, fiddle means interst, the guy I like the most! So he I guess he's saying that he went from first to second, I think that's a very poor assumption! Espeically after this weekend and chatting! I don't get off how he thinks that for one second!

I have a feeling I mad him a bit mad and confused with me tonight! First off, Joe was there! Joe is one of my few friends that I have had since first semester frosh year! So I've known him for about four years! I know him really well! Like we hung out and partied a ton and way too hard second semester frosh year! We've always chatted online a lot! Him and I reminisce so much! But tonight playing pool we were having a good time chatting! We know each other really well, we're always chatting and I think nothing of it because he knows me pretty well! No he doesn't know every deal of my life at all, but we get along and have a fun! He's creepy sometimes, but over all i don't think twice about talking to him and sharing laughs and jokes with him! It's normal! It's been normal for four whole years! But Aaron doesn't know that! Somehow i think that makes him mad that I'm so relaxed with Joe and not with him! I don't think he understands or knows that I'm good friends with Joe for four years now! If i knew him for four years the same way i know Joe he wouldn't think twice about it! I'm quite and shy, some times I just don't know what to say to Aaron. It's not like he's the one who's asking me question and what not or comes up and starts a real conversation instead of trying to get me to say What?! I do like hanging out with Aaron, he just doesn't know me well! Yeah I'm defensive because he makes me that way! He is defensive too, and I'll keep on the defensive if he's going to be that way with me! But I'm joking around and I don't care like 90% of the time! But tonight he thought I was so mad, and I was just trying to tell them something, but whatever! God forbid anyone actually listen to me! Like I knew the directions better then them, why?! Becuase I drive that way home all the time!!!! And I was just trying to help, but no sorry they knew better than me! Whatever! I wouldn't have spoken up if I knew I was wrong, but I knew I was right so whatever! It's like fine...I won't talk because you think i get mad! If they knew me better, I hate to be wrong! It's not that hard to see! I mean I work hard at school, you don't want to be wrong in school! No one likes to be wrong, but I wouldn't put up a fight about it if I thought I was wrong! And i KNEW i was right! But whatever, it's like they make me annoyed! They don't know me, but hey she must be wrong! My friends that know me, and know me well, i'm more right than wrong! I have some of them pretty much who are like whatever I saw must be true based off of how things go!

I'm most socialable this year! A lot of people are supirsed, not that it matters! But I love the comments made to me about oh I didn't know you liked to have fun! WTF, who doesn't like to have fun?! I mean really...I like to have fun, who doesn't! Senior year has been interesting. New year has brought a new group of friends, who I really enjoy! I hope we're still friends after being dumped by one of their good friends. I really like them and are so much fun! They aren't lame like other people I know! They are a nice fresh breath of air, I think that's why I like a certain boy too! He's different, and I want/need something different in my life! I don't need a boyfriend though, I guess i'll make that distinction! He's never really needed me, I'm not the girl who takes his breath away or makes his heart skip a beat! I'm just not and I know it. If I am/was, I'd be thoroughly shocked, but I'm pretty certain that is the case.

It's about 3:30 AM....I'll finish this up tomorrow! But yeah for very late nigth chats!!! :P

No More

2006-09-13T15:18:00.000-05:00

I don't think think I can take anything else or more going on in my life anymore. I've never felt more in shambles than ever. Total chaos....and I want it to all stop. I can't take it anymore. I'm honestly about ready to drop out of school this semester. I just can't do this anymore. None of it. I've taken about all I can take these past few weeks, and I'm not okay anymore. I'm just not. I don't want to be here anymore. I wish I was any where but here! Anywhere else, even hell would be better than here right now. I've never felt like more of an emotional wreck in my life. To the point where I'm breaking down...yeah me, the girl that people can't breakdown. I'm falling into pieces in every which direction. I don't think I've ever felt worse in my life. Doesn't even matter, any friend I had isn't there anymore. No one is. I wish I could be my old self from a long time ago, the girl who felt nothing. I wish I felt absolutely nothing. No pain, no hurt, no love, no happiness, no sadness, I don't want any of it anymore. I wish I felt nothing like I used to. I'd rather be her than me right now. I want to curl up inside myself and stay there for a good long time. I need things to be different....cuz right now, I can't take this....to the point where I'm forcing myself to go to class...cuz I need to graduate...but I don't want to be there....yet I'm still getting very good grades so far. Worst part is, I can't even escape anywhere in my own house. I share a bedroom with a friend, my desk is in our dining room, it's not like I have anywhere to hide out. Like now I'm in my little corner of the library, but the people who know to find me here, won't be looking for me, they don't care anymore. I continue to keep losing my friends too, to the point where I don't think I have a single one here anymore, except my ex...and that is the worst part of it all. It's him who's my last friend here....that's so wrong! Especially considering people had my backs and what not...traders...abandoned....I'm so sick of all that shit and then all the other stuff going on in my life....I don't want to be here anymore. I don't....I wish I was strong like I used to be..I used to be able to hack away at my own self...somewhere along the lines I've lost myself these past few weeks. I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore...and I used to know myself so well. In the end, I just don't want to be here anymore....anywhere but here and me....

If I could just hate you....

2006-09-10T10:57:00.000-05:00

If I could just hate you things would be easier. I have so much hostility and contempt for you. Things at the end never made sense. It shouldn't have gone the way it did. I just wish that I would just always hate you and feel just one way about you. But every time I see your face and spend time with you, moments happen. Some times out of old habits, but other times not at all. Yet again this weekend, I'm the only girl without their boyfriend there...but I still would be out without you cuz ur not 21 yet, but then i'd have some one to fall asleep with. That is one of the things I always liked about us. Just the way we feel asleep together. We fit together so perfectly.

Some days I wish I could hate and then things would never be this way. It's funny that the good friends we share have now sided with you. I've been forgotten, but all you can say is i'm sorry I'll talk to them, I'll leave, etc. But I don't feel bad that my friends treat you like crap. I know they do. They told me. They asked me how they should treat you, I never told them to do anything. I said treat him how you want, I don't care. It's true because I know they have my back and our loyal to me! I will miss them very much when we graduate. I wish I could spend a year hating you! Every time I hear this song "Right Here Waiting" by Staind, I cry. Part of it so much applies to everything going on between right now. Other things don't. Things that apply are:
"I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting"

But definitely other parts don't:
"and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break"

You're not independent. I'm the independent one. Recently you're like let's do something and then change your mind. What's with that?! You don't sit here and be like let's do something and then the next minute, you are like no I can't make up my mind or plans for myself. I want to do what my roommate is doing. He'll tell me what to do. Since when don't you think for yourself?! I just don't understand you some days with things like that. You used to know how to make up your mind, and now you don't! You don't know how to at all, and it disappoints me. How can I sit here and have so many bad things to say about you or critisms. Tell myself I should hate you, but in my heart I never could. (not that i would like you again either) But the fact that I just don't hate people, there are only 2 people in the entire world that I absolutely hate with very good cause and reason!

I find it funny that my friends tell me that I should just go up and hit some sense into you. They've seen us back and forth and they don't understand. They talk to me and some of them have known I was over you. I was completely fine. Then you come back and fuck with my head. I don't let people do that, but you have a knack of doing so even when we were dating. No matter how I feel about you at moments...I'm not sure I could ever go through all the heartbreak again. I'm not sure if I'd ever want to. I'm leaving in May and I can't do this the rest of the year. I'm not going to let myself. Some days, I need to hate you for my sake. But at the same time, I could never hate you. You are no Ken to me though. Ken will always have you beat, he is the only guy that will always have a piece of my heart for reason people never really understand being that him and I never even dated. I don't want to think about this right now....

It's Amy's 21st Birthday Today!!!! :) We had an awesome night out last night celebrating it! I'll post about that later with some pictures. We tried not to do let's all get the same shot a bunch of times. I only took pictures at the one bar...The Deep. Each one of us took pictures at one bar for the most part. But it was an awesome night!!! :) Overall, this has been a good weekend! :)

Maybe I did something wrong...

2006-09-09T11:14:00.000-05:00

I thought I cleared up matters. I put an end to the confusion between Brian and I...or so I thought! This week we've been pretty chill, one little tif, but that was quickly fixed. One of my professors handed back my quiz and said "I heard you dropped Brian like a stack of hot cakes! You're better off without him!" and walked away! So yeah interesting huh?! That is the same professor that Brian works for as my physics tutor! lol! One second things would be easier if it wasn't so back and forth, but then I'm not sure I'm happy, but I'm not so happy back and forth either. It's confusing and crazy. I'm afraid to make the smallest mistake...I'm holding back, I'm scared, but at the same time it's not so one sided or one way...it's just not. I dunno what to do anymore. One second I try and the next I give up...it's been a crazy roller coaster and I'm not sure that there one clear definite way that i would be happy or him. It's just not simple. Whatever happen to life when it was simple, when life was clean cut, when things we're so messing and confusing....when did we grow up...when did we lose our innocence...I could never trace any of those moments and at times I wish I could. I just do, but I can't, nor ever could nor anyone else. Part of me may always like Brian and miss the things we had, but at the same time I don't miss him. He doesn't understand that nor does anyone else. This guy came home with me tonight...I made him leave...I just didn't want him here...instead the person I wanted here showed up...and I didn't want here for the wrong reasons, but the right ones....and get your head out of the gutter...it's not life that. It never will be...it's just that simple. I dunno why but it is just that way.

Cut.......yeah that was what I wrote drunk last night....since then Brian came over. I think over the past two years we've forgotten why we liked each other. We have forgotten the simple things. So that is where we stand right now. We are friends, good friends...yet we're realizing the simple things once more. Letting the simple things slide. Simple things I mean very simple things, like leaning on each other, holding hands, and kissing. That's it. We drew two lines. One we are friends, but something is going on at times too...and then the second is only simple things. Last night that meant he wasn't allowed to spend the night. He never used to spend the night when we first started dating oh so long ago. It's back to basics for us. A another strong friendship developing knowing at moments we're not just friends and others we just are. But if these feelings keep lingering, then Brian said he knows he made a mistake, but right now he's so back and forth he isn't sure. Some days he is that way, and others he isn't. I had made up my mind things were over this summer...I came back here only to discover they weren't, but I've been trying to suppress them for far too long. What ever is natural we will allow to be natural, but not make the biggest deal out of anything. It's best for our sakes. Now explain that to someone and what that really means, because if you ask me that's pretty tough to do! Anyways, this is the first time I feel genuinely happy! I feel like I know what's going on, no more head games (even though it still kind of is), I'm just not going to worry about it, etc. I'm just not, we left last night on the best of terms. Yeah he hugged me and left me with a kiss, but there was a moment there...not a string but a moment...and that is the difference!!!

I just don't know anymore...

2006-09-05T23:08:00.000-05:00

I really just don't know anymore. My life was hell since the first Saturday of being back at school, so much to the point that things got out of hand that I had to go home. I needed a change of scene! I needed to be somewhere else! Anywhere but here! I went home, I felt a lot better! I came back and I was fine again, happy and all! But no, I'm not happy again, I was fine again until I saw my ex. I wish I never had to see him ever again some days! Unfortunately he's my physics tutor and I need lots of help in physics, so I will needs him to help me all year long! I suppose that sucks for me because I was fine, and now I'm not. It's not the things that were wrong that made me go home, now it' s a new set of things that are wrong. :(

I miss things I shouldn't. I miss having friends. I miss being at home! I had a great time chilling out on Friday with my friends from high school! It was a lot of fun...I wish I had this here! I'm always left out and forgotten about! So much to the point that I feel completely invisible some days! Sadly the only person who then talks to me is my ex....not thrilled with that one. Going back home reminded me why I don't want Brian back at all. I just don't. I couldn't do that again ever. I just couldn't. But being back at school makes me missing having a guy always around. I missing have guys to hang out with and have fun and then to have one special guy, even if you're not dating. But just that one guy who is always there for you! The one you hang out with and have a good time with, one that makes you feel alive for all the right reasons and not the wrong reasons! Someone who you genuinely love being around and makes you feel good about yourself when things get rough. I guess I miss having a "boyfriend" in my life again. I miss falling asleep in someones arms and getting soft kisses good night and good morning. I miss the way a certain guy at the end of summer would pick me up when I came to his door, he'd carry me up the stairs and put me on the couch and start kissing me. I miss that. I miss the way me and him hung out. The way he made me feel. In a sense he helped me put myself back together. Right now it's him back on my mind! I'm sad I didn't end up staying long enough to see him, I should have, but I had enough of being home. Home is quite another story that I don't feel like getting into right now, but yeah. I don't need a guy in my life, it's really nice, and I miss it. I really miss one guy and it's not my ex. To hell with my ex. He can shove it and learn to deal with it as far as I'm concerned!!!! That book in my life is shut and sealed and is to never be opened again. It's just my policy and I think it's a good one.

Schools been crazy! Lots and lots of work! Damn Physics is kicking my ass already and it's only been a week of classes!!! Physics and I just don't get along, never really did, and I don't know why, but we don't! End of story! But it's gonna kick my ass for the year...but I'm trying! Well, I suppose I should get back to my homework! Grr!

I'm pretty sure I'm invisible in my house! No one talks to me or invites me to do anything with them, but they all incite themselves to do things together and exclude me! How very very typical! Oh well!

Been a crazy roller coaster of a ride since I've been back

2006-09-01T01:33:00.000-05:00

Well, when I first came back to school things were awesome! I was having a good time, visiting with everyone, getting settled into our house, etc. My life was great, I was happy, and nothing in the world bothered me. I left a guy at home that I kept finding myself thinking about.

But then, my ex moves in. And this is where the story begins, and I swear this is the short version, so be prepared...

Saturday night I had gone out to the bars with my girl's since it was Rachel's boyfriend's birthday! So I was out with them. My ex had left me a bunch of ims and two phone calls. So when I came back at 2AM I decided to give him a buzz since I knew he was still up from his away message! Anyways, him and I met by Graber and chatted on the new bleachers in front of Rohlman. When we first saw each other, he hugged me, and I just stood there. Stood there like a rock, my arms never left my side, nor did I even think twice about. I was happy, I was over my ex. He was just a friend and that was it. But no, the night carriers on and we get to talking and what not. The next thing I know he ended up coming back to my place and he spent the night at my place. I hadn't planned on that or anything happening, but it did, no not sex you morons who don't know him or me. But other things did...anyways, the next morning we talked about what are we and what are we going to do. Well, to cut to the chase, we decided that we were single, friends, who were more than friends, but had yet to define anything...we were to tread lightly. We went on a date on Sunday. We saw The World Trade Center which I was honestly disappointed in the film. It was okay, but I think I had a bit higher hopes. Definately, thought that United 93 was much better done. Anyways, then after the movie we went grocery shopping and then he made me dinner. It was first that Brian had made me dinner. He insisted on the fact that I wasn't allowed to help. He had never made me dinner single handedly, it's always been either just me cooking, or me with his help. It was nice of him. We were having a good time joking around, the lines were severly blurred. Then all his roommates come home and it got weird because we said we wouldn't do anything in front of people. But then, he breaks that one...during the movie he put his arm around me, and pulled me to rest my head on him. As well, he would poke me and kiss me on the head and it was like we were dating. No wonder why people are like what is going on with you two. Somewhere along the lines I did start liking him again, but I knew I shouldn't and that I didn't want to walk down that path again. I just didn't. I have my reasons why not to...

Back at school

2006-08-26T16:17:00.000-05:00

Being back in Dubuque has been a blast so far! Yesterday I pretty much spent the day over at Byrne Oaks. Hung out with the guys and then the girls came too! Had an interesting day! Finished off the practical joke on Jean! It was very bad timing and she got really upset, but rightfully so! The joke was hilarious though, but now the guys feel like assholes, and they should! Hung out most of the day! Went to the store, out to dinner at Olive Garden (Yum!), saw Cars at the $1.50 theater, and then watched Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang! I thought Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang was really good! I really like how it was told! So one of the movies I needed to watch has now been watched and can be marked off my list of movies to watch! :) Had a good night just hanging out with everyone, but unfortunately today that changes. Now I'm the one who is going to be left out and never called or talked to anymore because my ex moved into the apartment some time today....so yeah! This isn't going to be good, but this is just the way it is! Oh well, nothing I can really do about that! Well, I suppose I should get a move on in finishing moving in all my stuff, I still have stuff just lying about everywhere....oh well! I'll get to that soon enough! Kind of sad that I forgot all my posters and stuff though! :( Oh well, I 'll have to get them later! Worst part is, my dad left all my clothes on hangers at home...which was all my nice going out kind of stuff, so if you see me around campus in t-shirts all the time and that's it, that's why! Well, more reason to go home in about 3 or 4 weeks! :) Well, I better get going on showering and what not since we all need to in the house....going out with my girls and their boyfriends tonight since it is Joe's birthday! Catch me if you can... ;)

Is it bad that I keep thinking about you?!

2006-08-25T02:25:00.000-05:00

I moved into my house at Loras today!!! :) First semester Margo and I are going to share a room, and then second semester we're going to switch with Brita and Andrea for the singles! :) I didn't really unpack though! opps! I'll get around to it tomorrow! Just had more like community moving of large furniture today! Lugged this damn desk out of the room into the dining room! I'll take some pictures when I unpack and find my camera...I think it's in a box at home that my dad is bringing on Saturday!

Tonight was fun hanging out with people! Went out to dinner with Post, Nikki, Hnilo, and Hnilo's brother "Hollywood" as Post would say! Nice catching up with them! Then Hnilo, Hnilo's brother, and me were bored and decided to launch water balloons at the froshies who had to assemble onto the football field. It was funny! Best part is, I didn't get in trouble, but the football guys who were watching us got into trouble! lol! It was fun! Then Balk called me and I met up with him and his apartment to watch Serenity! I like that movie, it's something I haven't ever gotten tired of watching, although I've seen in like 6 or 7 times now! Still good! Then Balk, Rubbs, and me hung out after the movie because everyone else went to bed! Then we headed down to visit the girls, Jean and Beer! :) Nice to see them both! Met Jean's boyfriend Marty?! (I think that was his name, opps!) Had a good time hanging out with them! I've missed my friends! Well that's one of the groups, I'm not sure I'll be so close with them when Tlach comes! We'll see! It's just like I'm invited over whenever, but it's HIS place too, ya know?! I mean I don't want to seem like the girl who is hanging around, but the truth is, I honestly don't feel a damn thing for him anymore, I haven't for awhile! But things are going to be a little weird for me just because! Partially because I realize that I'm not as close with some of them because I was dating Tlach and spent so much time with him! It's just weird because the last two school years I've been dating him and now I'm not! It's just weird not having someone around if that makes any sense! Maybe that's why I thought of you tonight! Last night wasn't what I planned for our last night! Things were said that had to be, but even after knowing all of that, I still can help to wish you were here with me! To wish it was you at my door kissing me and picking me up (but not dropping me on my head! lol) I miss you! I know I shouldn't, I should be missing a different guy that I had been seeing this summer, but no, it's you that I miss! Bad timing I know, but I've always liked you as my little secret over the years! You've always been there for me no matter what! You've never turned your back on me! I know you've changed and you're not that asshole you used to be, and I'm glad you've changed! But that part of you is in there somewhere and has made you a better person, but it's still a part of you, a part I can't ignore! I wish I could ignore those things, but I know I can't! I've always known that you wanted me....I've always been a tease with you! But it's been too little too late, as the summer has whined down, you decide to pop back into my life, but bad timing! You actually had a chance for once! Amazing I know, although you think you've always had a chance with me and that a part of me has always liked you! Truth is, I liked you when I first met you, but that slipped away very quickly, but this is the first time I've actually started to like you in what about 5 years now!?! It was sophomore year of high school! Wow, time has slipped by! But I was out having fun, but out of leftfield, you entered my mind! I wish you hadn't, but you did! I thought about calling you, but I knew you'd be at work until midnight or 1AM! :( Boo! But you're at home, and I'm in Dubuque, 3 hrs away! It's weird knowing that there's something going on between us right now, but we're not 20 minutes apart anymore! I remember sitting there during the movie and thinking about you! How we've never watched a movie ever when we hang out! I mean we've never even thought about putting one in, not that we were "watching" one and didn't see any of it...lol! The only time we watched a movie was when we went to the movie theater...I think a grand total of 2-3 times!!!! I just thought about last night! The way you grabbed me and pulled me up close to you on the couch! I enjoyed it then, and miss it now! I sit at my computer typing this, and thinking about last night with you!

Although we didn't leave on a high note persay, I think our very serious conversation had many good points! I think we became closer, but at the same time it made me put up a wall! I also feel bad that for some reason, you have a million reasons why not to let someone close to you! But it's you who chase me, always have and always will, even you say so yourself! I'm the girl you always wanted, but I'm not easy! Still not....nor ever will be! I like the newer u, the changed you, it's that guy who I started to like! Not that I didn't like you before, it's just I never took you seriously or really liked you more than friends! I feel bad you think that I've always liked you on and off when we see each other, but that's only true for you! I've never really liked you until now! But now I know I could never be with you after our little talk! Knowing that makes me wish I wouldn't think about you! But I am. Is it bad that I keep thinking about you!?!? I wish I had more time to know.

So much for no more regrets....

2006-08-23T12:57:00.000-05:00

I realize now as I pack how much I regret about this summer! I regret many things, not things I didn't do, but for once things I did! I think somewhere along the lines I forgot to stop and think about things at times! I wish I spent most of my summer with this one guy....I haven't really seen him much all summer...like twice I think! But last time I saw him he confused how much he liked me and how much he wishes I was his girlfriend....yes I know creepy, but a bit sweet at the same time. It's just like it's too late! I'm leaving...why tell me 4 days before I'm supposed to leave?! What's the point when he already knows that! I mean I originally met him on a blind date two of my friends set me up on! It was the worst blind date I've ever been on, but me and him managed a friendship and that has been on and off a bit more, but not really! He's one of the few that have come to visit me at college! Although his motives have been somewhat annoying in the past, but he stopped being like that for once, which is nice! But still, I just don't see him and me together....is it weird to know there's a guy out there who wants you to be his in the end, but I have no interest really at all! When the one a part of my heart has always belonged is someone I barely talk to anymore! That's life for you! I'm just going with the flow of things, but for once I really regret two things all concerning with a person. I really wish nothing happened between this guy and me. I feel like every time we hang out with other friends there that it's just awkward. I feel awkward hanging around with him after everything has happened! I regret getting drunk with him in June and there after! I mean what was really the point. I didn't mind the drinking with him, but it's everything else that seemed to follow our MO after just one time of seeing each other. I feel like I was more or less just on the rebound, but usually you attach a bit to someone you have feelings for! But I didn't, I attached just a bit to a guy I've never liked for more than a split second (and that was even years ago), but our chemistry has never been great. Which is why I regret even more things! I know I'm being vague....I'm not a name dropper and it's better that I don't drop names just in case people come across this! I really wish for once I could take things back in my life, but it's too late. At the time I didn't regret things, but now my last day at home, I realize how much I do. I really wish I had hung out with the volleyball crew more, I had a great time just chilling with them last night! But now, we're off on our separate ways! I think the one thing I missed this summer more than anything was my best friend! I really missed now having her around! I wish she was here and we spent more time together or that I had gone down and visited her at school on the weekends or something! See it's usually the things I don't do that I regret....it feels worse to regret things you actually did though...things you can never take back or ever get back....

Fun Filled Evenings

2006-08-20T15:40:00.000-05:00

Well this weekend has been overall enjoyable! Friday, Helms, Tian, Tyson, and me went to Counting Crows and Goo Goo Dolls in Tinley Park. I enjoyed the concert! Counting Crows were very acoustic and drew out there songs much too long for my taste! I would have enjoyed a regular version of just one of their hits instead of a 5 minute song turned into practically a 20 minute song! I really liked the Goo Goo Dolls, but they weren't amazing or anything! I personally enjoyed them more because I know their music much better than the Counting Crows. I was disappointed that the Goo Goo Dolls didn't play a Big Machine or Sympathy, but they played most of their other hits! Although I must complain just a bit, I think both of their encores sucked! Counting Crows' was horrible and Goo Goo Dolls' was just barely better, but they still were very bad encore sets! Accompanying the music was a lovely rainstorm! Although I did have a very weird graduation sign to hide under, inevitably, I still got wet! Overall, it was a fine last evening to spend with those guys! Then I had a lovely visitor at 4AM! I just really don't want to start anything with him right now! I prefer being single and going out and having fun!

Last night was Tyson's 21st Birthday! So that was a fun evening! I'm still a very quiet and shy girl, so it took me awhile to have fun! But by the end of the night I was having a great time and not being so quiet anymore either! I had a good time drinking, chatting, dancing, etc! It was a fun evening! By the end of the night I was drunk out of my mind! :) A very much needed drunk out of my mind night! I had a good time, I don't remember a whole lot, but it was fun! I remember a lot of what happened until we hit up Stardusty (or whatever it was) and then about halfway through being there it was just craziness! I remember loud music, being very drunk, dancing with Tyler who asked me to dance, throwing ice at people, chatting with people, and definitely flirting with the guys just a bit, not a lot like I do when I go to the bars, because I wasn't interested in any of them, but flirting with them because it's something fun to do and not giving a damn at all about it. It's nights like these that I love being single, going out and having a good time and not really caring! I remember flirting with Dave at the end of the night, I was bored. He had the most appeal of the guys that went out with us that night, well Tyler was pretty cute, but I didn't even want to start in with him and his ex girlfriend who was there with us! I prefer to stay out of drama! But he was cute! I had fun flirting with him! Dave kept trying to grope me at the bar, and then someone else was trying too from the backseat of the car, wtf! I say pretty much everything is a blurr with some memory since the time Tyler and I started dancing! After that, it's very bits and pieces here and there! I do remember someone grabbing me and starting to make out with me! Yeah, I told myself I wasn't going to do that whole thing ever again, but somehow that didn't happen! I'm pretty sure drunkenness took over me and I don't remember a whole lot about anything that happened once I got back to the apartment, but I do remember someone pushing me up against the elevator and started making out with me! I don't remember getting out of the elevator though! The parts of the night that I do recall were fun, well not so much right at first becuase it takes me a bit to get to know people and start talking, but once I was comfortable with people I had a good time! Although, I woke up with my head hurting, very tired, hung over, and it looks like I got beamed by a 55mph softball pitch on my thigh! I haven't the faintest idea how I got it, I don't remember walking into anything or anything! But it hurts like hell and swelled up very nicely just like what happend when I play softball and get pegged hitting! Umm..yeah last night is a lot of a blurr, I started remembering more of it when I talked to two people, one which was there and one that wasn't, who was just wondering what I was up to last night! So I guess here's to drunk nights I will never remember with friends I will never forget!

Well, just got off the phone with my ex...I took a very long break, not that you would know! He called so we chatted for a little over an hour. That was an interesting and him being jealous conversation. He wasn't pleased to hear I was out drinking and partying last night! If I told him really anything about that night he would probably kill me. He hates to here I'm going out and getting drunk, even worse like last night being wasted! He wouldn't like the flirtatious me, but that's his problem! I think we'll be fine as friends, but it's just like wow some days still....I mean we're friends it's going to be okay...move on and stop worrying about me or whatever! There's things I just can't tell him though no matter what, well unless he becomes annoying or whatever, I do hold the key to the one thing that would make him never talk to me again! That's because I know him so well that I know what buttons to hit and just how to make him hurt, I know that's evil, but I know exactly what to do. I'm like that with a bunch of people, I know just how to manipulate them enough to get a desired result, yes evil I know, but I'm just smart like that I guess you could say! But I'm not mean about it, I know when to use the knowledge I know and when not to! Well, I have things to do, so I better get a move on...later!

How did I manage this....

2006-08-19T12:16:00.000-05:00

Umm...I'm kind of seeing someone! AHHH!! That wasn't the plan! No dating anyone until after a date I picked out awhile ago becauseI was sick of stupid shit with boyfriends! We're not offically dating, but we pretty much committed to something last night...I suppose that is going to be defined before I leave for school on Wednesday! Oh the life I lead somedays...

Update: Not dating him, we're just friends, I took care of the the next afternoon! I don't want to date anyone right now! Hence me not allowing myself to date him and to get out of all the craziness going on in my life! So I can just keep going out and having fun!

How did this just happen!?!

2006-08-19T04:15:00.000-05:00

OMG! WTF....how the hell did this happen?! This is going to be stupid!

Summer is coming to an end! :(

2006-08-17T01:17:00.000-05:00

Well people are leaving/ have already left for college!!! :( Mostly everyone is leaving by Sunday!!!! :( Unfortunately for me, I'm one of the last ones here for those that don't commute to school! I don't start until the 28th! There's a few others who are in the same boat as me though! :) But only a handful!

This past Monday was supposed to be our last sand volleyball outing, but tonight was a last second split decision to play 2v3 at 7 tonight! Last second we rounded up Kush, Vileus, Miguel, Scott, and then me which they finally got a hold of since I was eating dinner at the time! So I ended up showing up late! Had fun playing 2v3 sand volleyball which may have been for the last time this summer with that crew! We're thinking about attempting to play tomorrow, but we'll see! Hopefully we can and at 6:30 since now it's too dark to play by 8:30 which sucks! We used to be able to play from 7-10!!! Summer sun is sinking fast! :(

In other news, went to see Dave yesterday evening! That was fun! I haven't seen him since December at one of our parties! So yeah...it was very nice to see him! I feel bad i haven't really kept in touch with him! (or anyone else for that matter!) I just suck at keeping in touch with people! It's just, I'm not big on the phone, but I'll chat online, but that's not the same as hanging out with people and sharing more fun times together! I do feel bad that I'm not closer with some of my friends, but we're back to school! It's always too little too late! Makes me sad too that not only am I missing out on knowing my friends better from senior year, but that I just started making better friends with the volleyball crew! We had a good time tonight hanging out after sand volleyball and watching V for Vendetta!

Well, I'm super excited for the Goo Goo Dolls/Counting Crows Concert on Friday!!! :) Plus my rents are going out of town to visit my brother for his soccer tourney in Akron! :) So I'll have the house to myself! Sweet!!!

The Rebel that I am

2006-08-14T13:20:00.000-05:00

If you tell me I can't do something or I know I shouldn't...chances are I've always wanted to. But now there is a difference between what is right and wrong. I'm the girl who will prove you wrong if I believe in it myself. Tell me I can't do something, chances are I probably will! I've always been like that. I guess that's why I'm a rebel...sometimes more than others! If I know I shouldn't like someone, I probably will just for that fact, but it doesn't mean anything, but that's typical me. I know I'm not supposed to do something, but I'll want to, but again that's just me. I think everyone is like that though, I mean you tell them no you can't do that whatever it is, and I bet they would like to prove you wrong, just because.

I've always been the girl who doesn't give a damn what you think about me. I've never needed anyone's approval or anyone's friendships. I'm just not the type of person who thrives off of other people supporting me, truth is I've always supported myself my entire life! I know friends take offense to that, but the truth is there is a difference between between absolutely needing something and having something nice in your life that you value and cherish in its own way! Friendships I value in a different sort of way! I have my few select very close friends...which makes me a bit sad thinking about it now because it's our last year of college together! :( Amy will be off to med. school probably at Iowa. Rachel will be going to St. Ambrose for grad school. I haven't a clue what Jackie, Margo, and Katy are doing yet, but they all live in Iowa! I don't know where I'm going to grad school, but it won't be in Iowa! It will be in Illinois around Chicago most likely, well, that's what I would like at least! Just sad it's going to be our last year together! Also makes me really happy that I didn't transfer to Augustana or Western Michigan my sophomore year! I was committed to going to Augustana, but then I decided to go back to Loras for a lot of reasons! I'm really glad I did! I didn't enjoy Loras the first year, I really loved Augustana! I loved the people there and hanging out with them and what not! I never had a bad weekend there even if we didn't do much! But for those reasons is why I didn't enjoy Loras so much...I never really made close friends, I mean I made friends, but over the summer and the next school year I got a lot closer to my one group of friends and then I made a bunch of new ones! But I'm so excited for the school year to start! I really can't wait! Yeah! I get to move in a week and a half!!! :) I'm ready to be back and hang out with everyone! But I'll miss people from home since I'm the last to leave for those that go away for school! I'm always the last to leave and the first to return! How typical! A handful of us will be continuing our education too, while other will delay it for a few years for their own reasons.

The next year everything is really going to change. I always be the same person pretty much, but my world will change. Next summer I'll start grad. school. All my friends will be going in different directions for the first time in our lives! Many of us will leave home and find jobs who knows where or go to grad/medical schools around the country! For the first time we'll be really spread out and not concentrated in the midwest! It's going to be different! Makes me realize how much I suck at keeping in touch with people! I did a very bad job of that most of the time when I was at college and we were only 3+ hrs away or more! I'd saw we all averaged to go to school about three hours away from home or, but it makes it more especially when I go west and others went east, so then it's like 6 hrs away! It's these facts more than anything that has been on my mind! It's why I won't commit to any relationship with any guy! I've had chances all summer with different guys! I mean I could have finally gotten one of the guys I've always wanted, but I said no when he asked me out, I just couldn't! Not now, I enjoy talking to him, but I would never see him! He goes to school about 6 hrs away from where I do, so yeah, umm..that's not gonna work for me! No more than 3 hrs away, and even that is a lot! But I'd rather date someone I went to school with or no one! I'm enjoying being single, which is also why I've said no to people who are at home and what not! It's just like wow...can I be single for just a little while?! I haven't really been single in about 4 years! I'm always sorta seeing someone....oh wait....I am now! I'm sort of seeing more than one guy right now....opps! I've been going out on dates with this one guy and just chillin' with another. So yeah...no big deal! I guess that is the one thing that suprises people because I don't talk about any of it! If they ask what I did last night and I saw one of those two guys, I usually say nothing, or I went out with some other friends. Depends who I'm talking to and what not. I mean it's none of anyone's business as far as I'm concerned! I just don't inform people about my personal life.

I think most people would honestly be shocked about my personal life. They would be shocked by the people I've dated. Even more suprised by the guys I've kissed. lol....I will always laugh about a certain guy. Almost every guy who has ever kissed me has asked me out! Although I'd say more than half the guys I've dated asked me out first before we kissed. Weird or what?! I have to shake my head about the one guy junior year of high school! I can't help but laugh, and I bet people wouldn't believe me. But I was the mystery girl, and people we're talking about who is this girl that has this guy all wrapped up in high school! I laughed so hard then and even now! I remember sitting in two of my classes around a few of his friends and they didn't know him and I had been friends and been hanging out. I over heard a lovely story on Monday morning about how this guy has been MIA from there stuff because he's hanging out with some mystery girl. All he would tell them is that I went to Central with them. But the truth is, him and I never saw each other around school! We had very different schedules despite the fact that we took a lot of the same honors and AP courses! So I never saw him at school! I had pre season softball stuff, so I had stuff I always was up to as soon as the official school day ended! Him and I had different passing periods between 4-8 due to our lunch times that were different! So yeah...I never saw him around school! So then the question is how did him and I start hanging out! Well, we did some outside school activities in groups we were in! We worked together doing different programs throughout the week in the late afternoon and evening hours! So yeah...yeah for being the mystery girl. I ended up sitting next to one of his friends and he was chatting with one of their other close friends and they were like who is this girl...lol...and I was sitting right behind him! Ha! Wow...old memories! Back in the day! I bet none of you could guess who that guy was! So funny! Funniest part, I never said yes to dating him! I always said no because he was a great guy, but he wasn't boyfriend material, not at all! We were "seeing each other" for about two months and no one was none the wiser! The quiet girl in the classroom always had a trick up her sleeve! :) Still does! :)

Back from being busy....

2006-08-12T00:23:00.000-05:00

Well, this girl is back from traveling! I spent the earlier part of this week in Akron with my brother. His place is really nice! There's four guys all with their own rooms, two bathrooms, nice living room, big kitchen, porch, lounge area outside their door since they live upstairs. It's a house pretty much made into two flats, and the boys are living upstairs! Nice and cheap! The guy just redid the whole house and it's all refurbished and what not! It's only $250 a month plus utilities, which if you ask me is awesome! Especially for how nice his place is! I can do that in dbq for for some crappy place! Yuck!

Before I left for Akron, I'd been busy actually hanging out with friends! Went to see Talladega Nights: The Ballard of Ricky Bobby with pretty much the whole old group that was in town plus a few others! Went to dinner, had drinks, went to game works again! Zombies are awesome! YUM! :)

So yeah, been busy! But now I'm back home! :) Taking it easy the first day! Today is day two of being back home, so needless to say I was back on my old schedule being busy and what not! Well, not a whole lot exciting going on besides my usual stuff. Got bored of my cocktails on my background, I was feeling a bit of my Asian flare today, so this is my new background! It's of Osaka, Japan! Enjoy!

Apparently I'm leaving town on Monday or Tuesday...

2006-08-05T14:29:00.000-05:00

So yeah, my Dad forgot to inform me that my brother's house is not going to be done until Saturday morning now....so now I'm home for the weekend. Now we're leaving either Monday or Tuesday for Akron! (and then maybe to PA...still not sure about that one) Craziness! So yeah, now I'm home for the weekend, so that when Arlene comes back from her Vegas weekend, I'll be leaving town for a few days. It was going to work nicely with me being gone this weekend too, oh well!

Went too see the Number 1 new show...Miami Vice! It was alright. I felt like they tried to almost make the story line too complicated at times. But overall, it was alright. It had a good feel for the type of movie it was. But I wasn't overly all impressed. I stopped looking forward to movies because I'm always disappointed. So now I always head to the movies with an open mind and I try not to watch the constant trailers for new movies on TV...they are just too hyped and show all the good parts! Movie advertising is in need for some serious change!

Last night was fun up at Woodfield. Went to Gameworks before seeing Miama Vice. Grabbed some drinks! Yum, PEACHTREE!!! :) Played some games! It's just nice to go out with people again who are not stupid and boring. I'm sick of my other friends who are like what do u want to do, i dunno, what do u want to do...and we'll do that the whole night and probably never leave the house. Or we'll do that sitting at someone's house and only end up flipping through the television...boring!!!

Anyways, I've been in a fashion mood lately. Maybe it's because Project Runway season 3 has recently started. I have to admit, I'm not as crazy about the show this time around, but I probably will like it more once I get to know the designers a bit better. The more times you watch the show, the more of a feel you get for them. I know I don't dress very fahionably by any means. I do know what's in and out and what this fall's latest trends, colors, make-up, and hair are. But I've never been a fashion forward girl. I guess I cling to my tomboy image. But I do now enjoy wearing something slightly nicer than my sport t-shirts and jeans! That's like my school and day look. At night, I tend to dress up a little, and put on a bit of makeup depending on what I'm wearing and where I'm going. I guess it's one of my secrets. I love fashion, but most people don't know it. If anyone ever looked at my computer they would be suprised by my folder of runway looks that I love.

Time to get a move on, on things I must do today!

Busy Lately

2006-08-04T16:12:00.000-05:00

Well, since gotten back from Dbq I've been crazy busy! Had to get things ready to send my brother off to school since he left on Monday! Since then, I've been packing up his stuff cuz of course he didn't. He only packed his clothes and his soccer stuff. So I'm stuck running his errands to get things he needs for school, apparently I got volunteered to do that while I was in Dbq and no one bothered to ask me if it was okay. Been observing a couple of hours every week too, so that usually fills up my afternoons. Went to a Cubs game on Tuesday night vs. the D'backs! Cubs kicked their ass 9-3! :) Was an awesome game! Plus I love Chicago style hot dogs with onions and garlic on them! Yum! Rest of the week been busy doing my usual stuff. Been studying for the GRE and what not!

Yesterday, Christa came to visit me for the evening! Fun! Made dinner and then we left to play sand volleyball. Had fun doing that, then we all went out to eat at Taco Grill. Then we went to Ben's and drank Coronas around a fire! Overall it was fun night to just kick back and chill! Arlene was finally home! YEAH! But she left me for Vegas now! :( Oh well, no big deal! Well, I have to go to the post office now to send a package for my Dad. I'll be outta town until Monday, I think! I'm going to Akron to move in my brother into his house, and then I might be going to Pennsylvania...I dunno yet. Well catch me if you can! later~

Here's pictures from mini-bar crawl

2006-07-30T15:12:00.000-05:00

Well, here's all of the two pictures I took at my fun night out with the girls! When I get their pictures, I'll add them or you could probably just check out facebook! Enjoy!

Reason for Sleeping 16 hours!

2006-07-30T11:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back home in the burbs now! :( I miss Dubuque! I had such an awesome week there! Did lots of fun things with my younger than 21 friends! Played frisbee, basketball, watched movies, saw clerks 2, went on fun trips, drank, played cards, etc. I had a blast hanging with Brita and Balk! Then Friday night, I hung out with my girls! Finally got to see Katy again(she's been in South Africa all last semester)! So Rachel, Amy, Katy, and me went out to this thing for Amy and then out to dinner and drinks at Applebee's. Then we started our mini bar crawl, which wasn't planned, but happened anyways! First went to Bartini's, which has an awesome laid back, bit of a mature atmosphere! It was nice, sat back and had a few drinks on the comfy leather couches there waiting for Jackie to get off work to join us! Then we headed across the street to the Julien, which had karaokee that night! So that was amusing! Went in for shots something cherry because of our shocking conversations at dinner, pretty much we're like the girls from sex and the city when it's just the girls out! lol! So yeah, had cherry cheesecake shots! Yummy! They were so good! Did shots there because they are cheaper there than where we were or Lot 1. So then we headed down to Lot 1, which is only a block away! Went there, ran into people that Jackie didn't want to run into, but oh well! So we hung out there for awhile had more drinks there! Hung out and had a good time, but then that group of guys were annoying Jackie, so we headed back to the Julien to be amused by Karaokee! Had drinks there, had fun watching the people singing, chilled out! But that group of guys followed us back and decided to start talking to us. This one guy just wouldn't leave me alone! He bought me a couple of drinks, but was super annoying! At first, he was fun to chat with, but then he was just insulting Jackie because she used to date one of his good friends! Then he started to insult Rachel and Amy, while I stood up for them! Grr, that guy was annoying! So we quickly finished out drinks, chugged the rest of Amy's screwdriver for her because she couldn't finish it! Bounced out of the Julien and headed over to Bricktown! Had drinks there and danced on the dance floor! So it was awesome chilling out! Rachel's boyfriend was there with his friends, which was fine because we knew they were there! Well the annoying boy and his friends followed us over to Bricktown! So yeah, but at least we had a different group of guys some of us knew there! So they were there to keep us away from the annoying group! Had fun there for a long time! Then we headed East! (For all of you who don't know what "heading East means", we headed into Illinois over the bridge to East Dubuque, Illinois!) by Katy's sober friend, Scott, who picked us up! In East we went to the Coliseum, The Otherside, and another bar which I can't remember the name of right now! Had fun there! These two guys bought us a bunch of shots at The Otherside! They were yummy, they tasted like Kool-Aid! Had other drink and stuff there, the bar tender was hitting on Jackie so we got free drinks and shots there! Apparently, they had been there just a week and half ago for Jackie's b-day and he did the same thing then! So it was fun! Were there until about close and the guys that bought us drinks and shots wanted us to come out with them! Jackie and Amy wanted to go to the titty bar with those guys! Katy, Rachel, and me were like yeah, umm..NO! Well, we waited about 5-10 minutes for them to come out! Sat outside and chatted with the two guys for a bit, who gave us all roses! Got going because we were then all starving! You know how it goes, drinking all night and by the end of the night you're starving! So we went over to Mulgrew's! They are known for their chili cheese dogs! But I don't like them, so I just had a plain hot dog! Really hit the spot that night! Hung out there! A group of guys were there! Ended up chatting with the guy next to me at the counter! He was pretty cool! He was from Galena! Bonded over the whole Illinois thing because we were chatting about things Iowans just don't get! Had a good time there! Headed back finally to Amy, Rachel, and Jackie's place! Crashed the night there on their couch! Sorry to any of you who got any drunk text messages from me! opps, I do that when I'm drunk! I'm not a drunk dialer, I'm a drunk text-er! lol! So be amused if you got a text message, which probably didn't make any sense! It was an awesome very drunk and wasted night! Overall had one of our best nights out! Definitely we were all drunk off our ass that night, but it was amazing! Unforunately, I didn't take too many pictures, but Rachel and Jackie did! So I'll add them to my post when I get them from them!

Well, the next morning I had to drive the three hours home! I wasn't hung over, just really tired and out of it! Needless to say, I came home, sorta unpacked and then laid in bed for a bit! I pretty much passed out at like 7 PM and slept the next 16 hours straight! Apparently my parents ordered me a nice prime rib dinner from Outback, but I never woke up to eat it! :( Oh well, it's in the fridge for me to eat tonight for dinner! YUM! Well, now I'm well rested from my night of fun and am ready to get stuff done! Sending my brother back to school, so I better get in the shower to help my mom run errands!

I Miss DUBUQUE FUN!!! Can't wait for August 24, the day I get to move into my house! :) Excited for school to start especially because Amy, Jackie, Rachel, Margo, Katy, and me will all be able to get into bars! Amy has an awesome fake! But she's the last of us to turn 21!! At least it's like three weeks into the school year! So be mid September, we'll all be 21! Watch out for us! :)

My zero key broke!!!!

2006-07-26T12:16:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I was sitting in the science hall inputing all my data! My damn zero key broke! It kept getting stuck, and then it popped off for good! So now my lap top has no zero key! Unforuntately, my zero key is current crucial because I was logging in my research stuff. Each tardigrade has a specific coding on it to tell me all this information about it, or what I will learn about it as well. But it's like 000001, well when I try to put that in the computer I either got no zeros, one zeros, or a long line of zeros. Needless to say inputing up to bumber 000207 was highly annoying yesteday! I miss my old lap top! At my school we get new ones every two years, unless you're like me and this is my third computer because I know the right people! Stupid IBM Think Pads! I'm not the biggest fan of them, they are alright for what I need, just the keys on the see to break easily, which is a pain in the butt to get fixed because they take my computer for like a week and probably the dumbasses in the IT department will reimage it too because their philosphy is if we reimage your computer it will magically be okay again, no matter the problem! In my case, just replace the damn keyboard and do not even think about reimaging it!

Well, last night was fun! Hanging out with Balk and Brita! Watched Rescue Me as planned! Flipped through the channels, played some Super Nintendo: Paper Boy and Mario Kart!!! Made a fun trip to Walmart to attempt to find Clerks, which they didn't have! And of course nothing else is open in Dubuque because it was well after midnight! Lucky for us we went to go get Natural Born Killers from the Viz and other people were there and lucky for us one of the guys had Clerks! So we borrowed that and watched that! Then around 3:33, because I'm not even going to deal with my zero key! lol! I went over to Sam's house! Nice to see her because I haven't in awhile!

I think I'm ready to wrap it up in the science hall now, so yeah! Plans for today....I dunno...going to see Clerks 2 some time this afternoon! Catch ya later~

Dubuque!

2006-07-25T14:45:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm in Dubuque as of yesterday afternoon! Brita and I went out to a yummy dinner at Olive Garden only to find out that they got rid of my favorite dish! Made me sad, so I tried one of their newer dishes! It was okay! Doesn't even compare to my old dish! Oh well! Spent the rest of the night hanging out, playing with the bunny, and visiting the newest Hy-vee!

Today, made sugar-free cinnamon rolls for breakfast for Brita and me. Then I went collecting half my samples! Returned to the Science hall where I currently am now. Just imputing data mostly because I haven't officially logged anything electronically since I started my research in May. I've kept written copies so far, so I decided it's really hot and I don't want to go collecting again until the evening hours, so I'm just chilling at the science hall in the AC! Profs were getting rid of books again. So I flipped through the stack and picked up 4 books. Two on Invertebrates because they contain a little info on my tardigrades, the one book I actually had sat aside because it was one of Czar's books I was using, so I took it back! lol! The other two are The Economy of Nature and Evolution and the Myth of Creationism. Those two aren't too old of books, published in the 1990s and seemed intriguing when I flipped through them; me and my inquisitive mind! Well, not too much going on! Tonight I'm going to hang out with Balk and Brita, watch Rescue Me, and then who knows what else! Tomorrow is my free day mostly, going to be spending it with another group of friends! The only thing I have to do tomorrow is sign up for Eagleson's class since I ran into him today and he noticed I hadn't signed up for it yet! Told him I would, I just haven't made my way over to Keane Hall to go add another class! So now I'll be taking another semester of 18 credits, but I have no class on Tuesday! I'm psyched! First time ever not have class one day a week! Anyways, I'm excited to be back in Dubuque! :)

AHH!!!

2006-07-24T01:48:00.000-05:00

I hate these damn things! I just killed one of them in my basement while I was waiting for my laundry to wash! This things make me cringe just a bit. I'm not scared of insects, but these things just give me an uneasy feeling just a bit. They are so hard to kill too! It's like they haven't evolved which creeps me out too! If you're wondering what they are, they are house centipeds, Scutigera coleoptrata.

Well, in other news, I'm off to Dubuque tomorrow morning! But before I leave I need to pack and wash my car! Well, Monday I'm staying with Brita. We're going out to dinner, watching anime, playing with Bambi (that's her bunny), and hanging out! Maybe I'll get her drunk again! That was fun last time, watching anime and drinking! Although she had a little too much to drink last time! lol! The rest of the week I'll be spending over at Sam's and maybe one night elsewhere, either Balk's or Rachel's. I always have places to stay when I'm there! Well, one more month and I get to move into our house, dubbed The Power House. Ugh, not my choice of houses, but whatever! It's your typical crappy college house that has been partied in way too much! But oh well, it's cheaper than living off campus completely! Right smack dab on the damn hill though, oh well! It's near the top, but it's gonna be interesting come parking in winter with the snow and ice! Dbq doesn't do a good job of preparing and taking care of the roads with winter storms compared to being at home in the suburbs. Oh well! It's gonna be awesome senior year! I'm really looking forward to it! :) Well, time to go fiddle with the laundry...

Tired and Sore....and Secrets...

2006-07-23T01:41:00.000-05:00

Today was a busy day for me. Woke up around 10ish. Ran a little over 2 miles, did a little free weight lifting/workout. Feels good to be active again. School just has a habit of getting into my way. It's so weird not being physically active doing things on a daily basis! Right now, I feel lazy if I don't work out every day or something equivalent to a workout! Then this afternoon, got in some quality sand volleyball! Started off 2v2, which means lots of running, diving, rallies, and the like because we're all good players and know how to find the holes in the court. So that was fun running around like crazy mid-day! At least it wasn't humid or killer hot! Was actually wonderful weather to be playing some hardcore sand volleyball in! Then Miguel finally showed up, about 40 minutes late! Geez, he's never on time! lol! So then it was 2v3. It was just Joey and me vs. Michael, Wilson, and Miguel! So that made it harder on us to find the holes in the court! But I had fun running around and what not! We faired out pretty well for being two on three! We won a majority of the games! :) Paul decided to show up for the last game and made is 3v3! So that was fun, but too bad he showed up so late! By then we were all dead from playing a little over 2.5 hrs. Ended up playing about three hours today! I love playing sand volleyball with that group because they are competitive and good! :)

Exciting day huh?! Came home from volleyball and showered all the sand off me! Started working on dinner after that! I make awesome dinners! If you didn't know that, you should swindle me into cooking you dinner some time! Trust me, you won't be disappointed! Made shish kebabs and rice! Yum! One of my favorite summer meals! Afterwards, did some flight hunting online for my Dad so he can go on his little hunting trip to New Mexico. Watched some tv, chatted online, read some articles, played some games, etc...My usual stuff! Spent the rest of the night over at Paul's just hanging out! Watched Sin City and chatted about whatever! Odd, I never spend time at his house, but he invited me over for the night! He normally lives at my house! But he wanted me to come over there tonight for whatever reason! Nice to see him and his family! I don't often see his parents, but lately I have been since I've been spending more time over there in the last month, swimming and chillin' at his place! Been a good summer so far!

I find it fairly ironic that typically I have plans Monday through Thursday night, but then I do nothing on Fridays, and rarely do things on Saturdays! Sunday is officially my lazy day, well I still go running at night! I think that's my new thing, going out on like midnight runs! It's cooler out and dark! Spooky eh?! lol! Not really, just most of the time I can't sleep and running sounds good to me! Odd I know because I've never been a huge fan of running despite me playing sports! I'll get back into swimming when the school year starts since I'll have easy access to a pool again! I miss swimming laps! Looks like I can get morning swims in this next semester! I'm actually really looking forward to school starting up right now! Not really for classes, but as much as I say Dubuque sucks, which it does, but I really miss my friends! I really miss having people around who drop by my house or call my cell and are like hey let's go do this in an hour or something! I miss having people around who enjoy being spontaneous and aren't lame! People who actually like to go out and do things! It's fun just to get 3 or 4 people together and play a little basketball, softball, volleyball, frisbee, etc. I miss doing that! So I can't wait for us all to hang out and have a good time again! I'll actually be able to make ultimate frisbee for once again! :)

At the same time, things are going to be really different too. But a good different! I feel different. I enjoy going out and having good times and not having a boyfriend hold me back! I always seem to date more of the "jealous" type of guys! The ones who don't like me hanging out with my guy friends, mind you most of my friends are guys! Somehow Joe and me are back to talking again. Had a nice conversation with him a few days ago. His gf and him are going through some rough times. He's graduating in December and his gf is only going to be a junior and he hasn't a clue what he's doing. It's causing problems in their relationship right now, so I gave him some advice! He was shocked to hear about Brian and me. I still don't know why people still can't believe it! A lot of people are like you two are going to get back together! Most people really thought if there was one couple who would always be together, most of them would tell you Brian and Nicole! But honestly, no way or ever again! Not unless he learns to grow up and just have fun in the moment and not worry so much about what's going to happen in five years or finding the perfect girl. His obsessions and thinking too much in the future doomed us from the beginning! Sometimes I don't understand how we dated for so long! It was too comfortable, I dunno if that makes sense to you, but it does to me! I honestly don't miss him! He's not my perfect guy at all. He is a great guy, but not mine, nor ever again. I have so many complaints, but I'm not going to list them all, but there's a lot! It's all those reasons that explain why I would never get back together with him ever! Looking back, there isn't a single one of my ex's that I would ever date again! I just don't date people a second time. Well, I have tried that date someone again deal with two different of my ex's, but both times it just wasn't good! The first time was with my first real boyfriend, and it worked for another six or seven months, but it just fizzled out. The second guy we were on and off for several months, just complete chaos and disaster, something I'd rather not talk about. Definitely was a time I'm not so proud about.

I realized how many secrets I have. I'm never open with people. Even my best friend doesn't know me that well! She's known me since 2nd grade, but she hasn't a clue I raised myself. I can guarantee you that! She doesn't know that my mom left for awhile on multiple occasions, same thing with my dad. But she hasn't a clue nor does anyone else! But I remember, I remember it all! It was really hard! That's why I'm so quiet and not open! I had to hide things for as long as I can remember! I made up white lies all the time about where my parents were at the time. Oh they are on vacation, gone on business, visiting a family member who's sick, conferences, etc. It took a toll on me carrying so much weight as a young child. I learned really young how to do everything. I learned housework, cooking, responsibility, parenting, etc. at a very young age. I guess that's why I've been so mature! I had to grow up too soon and too quickly, and I feel like I did miss out on my childhood some times! I had my brother to take care of, he's three years younger than me! My mom left for a couple of years, I wasn't even 10 at the time. I taught my brother a lot. I made him smart. School was always important to me and I took care of him the best I knew how. I guess it's scary to think about how strong and innocent I once was. Some days, I wonder where my strength went. I know it's in me, but since I went to college, I think I lost it somewhere along the way. I dunno how, but I don't feel like I'm as strong as I used to be. I actually cry now. There was a time where I honestly had no emotions. I was empty and felt like a zombie. I felt numb all the time. Almost all of me was missing. I don't know how I started to feel again, but along the way somehow I did. I had to relearn how to feel anything, how to cry, how to laugh, how to smile, everything! I lost it all. I still know why, but will never tell a soul why. My life of secrets. That's only the beginning...

I've never wanted people to feel sorry for me. I guess that's why I always hide the truth. I never cared what people thought of me. I still don't. I still hide everything away. Keep everything inside. But now I feel emotions. I actually cry, more than I should, which is why I wonder where my strength went. I never used to let a soul see me cry. Since then a lot more people have seen me cry....I can't even begin to explain why, but that's why I don't feel as strong as I used! I've always been extremely independent. Something I've always been told is intimidating. Almost every guy I've dated has realized that I don't need them and they know it. Something that always scared them. I've never needed a guy, I've always known how to stand on my own two feet. Maybe that's what love is. Someone who makes me weak at the knees to the point where I can't stand on my own two feet without them. Maybe that's crazy! I'm not really sure that I've ever really loved one of my boyfriends. Maybe Brian, but I'm really not sure, nor do I really think I loved him. I really liked him, but love...I don't think so. I know I've been loved, but I don't feel like I've recipatated those feelings back towards any of my boyfriends. I kinda laugh (in a good way) looking at my boyfriends and then the list of guys I've kissed. People would be really surprised about some of the people I've dated and even more so of the guys I've kissed. Almost every guy that has kissed me has asked me out, funny how most of them I haven't dated. I'm picky, but sometimes you just know what would be the point!

Part of the reaon I'm so picky is that I don't let people get close to me. I just don't! It's sad that I'm more honest with my buddy matt than I've been with anyone else. I've never even met the guy, but I've never lied to him. I've never had to. Maybe that's why I find it hard to see my friends from high school again. I'm not the girl they knew then. I'm more open and I'm different. But when I'm around most of them, I feel like I'm back to my high school self, and not in a good way. I don't feel like that though when I hang out with anyone of them like one on one! It's just they all have a certain perception of me. It's hard to change people's minds about you. I'm not the same girl I was in high school. I've grown and learned a lot about myself and the world I live in. But I feel like that is just part of growing up! I come home and I really don't wonder why I don't have friends back at home anymore! Truth is, I've never been good at keeping friends. I push them all away! I always have! It's my defense! I don't let people get close to me. For all the reasons in above paragraphs! Maybe because I'm scared to let people see me naked, without all my defensive walls up and completely vulnerable for the first time! I think it's been my secret life that has always held me back! I've always known it, but never able to let go of it. It's part of who I am, something I can never escape.

Maybe that's why I've enjoyed my newer college friends lately! I feel more vulnerable with them! I don't have all my guards up! Like this last semester, Sam, Bridget and I would take turns cooking for our guy friends: Beau, Chris, and Brian. Tuesday night dinners! Every time I cooked they always asked where I learned to cook. For the first time in my life I didn't give my usual white lie, beat around the bush, for the first time I told them no one. I learned on my own because I had to. I learned to cook when I was young because my parents weren't around. The truth, vaguely, but the truth for once. Maybe that's why I don't feel so strong as I used to be. I think I've let go of some of my defenses, and that has changed me! I feel more like the girl I know I am. The girl I've always been in private! For the first time in a long time, I feel really like myself! But I don't as much like myself when I know I'm with people who have a certain perception of me, it's hard to explain why. I've changed, but I'm pretty positive not many of them have gotten to know who I've evolved into. I guess that's life. So my life will always be a secret to some degree, but for the first time, I don't have to hide it like I used to. Maybe it's easier not to when I'm at college because these people didn't grow up with me, they've never been to my house, met my parents, shared similar times with me, etc. I still find it funny that my best friend and I are close. She's always been more open with me than anyone else. But her and I are best friends, but I've never wanted to tell her about my secret life. I feel better that people not know. Maybe it's because I grew up and people said they wanted my life. I've always been highly respected and liked by most people, I guess part of me always feared of disappointing those people who looked up to me. I feel like I never told the truth about those sorts of things when I was younger because I had an image to live up to. Now, I only have my own image to live up that is created by me. Maybe that's easier now because I don't have my best friend with me all the time. I know that sounds terrible, but you'd think after all this time she's know, truth is she never has, nor will she ever! It's just better that way. It's better for people not to know because I've never wanted their sympathy or for anyone to ever feel sorry for me! That's not who I am.

Sharp Pain

2006-07-22T01:22:00.000-05:00

So I was relaxing for the night watching a movie. Out of no where I get this really quick sharp pain in my chest on my left side! It's like I can't breathe, almost like when I get an asthma attack, but instead it's three seconds of really sharp, intense pain near my heart! I used to get them a lot in high school, but I was told they are normal, especially for athletes. I forgot the reason why, but several of us were chatting about them during stretching one day. Anyways, so you know me, inquisitive little one, just had to know what the hell is this sharp pain. So if you have ever wondered what this pain is here ya go! It's called Precordial Catch Syndrome. And it still hurts me right now!!! Grr, I hate those stupid sharp pains! At least it's nothing to worry about, but still it's nagging! It usually hurt me for a few hours.

Well, if it would stop raining, I would have been out playing sand volleyball!! Grr, too much rain lately has prevented us from playing! It would suck to play in because we are all really aggressive, and we're always diving on like every play practically! Wet sand and diving aren't partically good together, but oh well! I'm gonna miss sand volleyball all next week too!!! :( I'll be in Dubuque! YEAH!!! I'm looking forward to it! Going to spend some time with Sam, Brita, Balk, Rachel, etc.! Margo might be coming in on the weekend, so I might get to see her! I haven't seen her since December since she was studying abroad in South Africa for the spring term! We're going to have so much fun living together and being 21!!! :) I'm really looking forward to school because people are finally 21, or are turning 21 early on in the school year! YEAH! So it's gonna rock! Well, I should attempt to get on a sleeping schedule so I can get up at 8AM to do my thesis work next week, HAHA, yeah me go to bed early! I haven't gone to bed before 4AM in a long time! I'll try tonight, but I bet it will be like 3ish by the time I fall asleep! Sleep and me never really have gotten along anyways!

Snakes! Snakes in a Car!

2006-07-19T20:28:00.000-05:00

Yep that's right, snakes are in a car near you! Found this to be an enjoyable read earlier today. I love the title of the article: Call Samuel L. Jackson...snakes in a car! Now isn't that just kick'n'sweet! [Yes I know, kick'n'sweet is lame, but it is a tag phrase/inside joke with a group of my college friends] Anyways, that would be an awesome prank! Apparently the snakes got deeper in her car! I'd be a little paranoid too if I'm driving along and out of no where I have snakes biting my feet while my foot is on the gas! At least they are Gardner snakes! But I have to admit, it would be quite a scene to see this lady freaking out in the parking lot of a grocery store. The police are still determining how the snakes got into the car...lol! :P

Poor Baby Whale...

2006-07-19T15:34:00.000-05:00

Here's a sad little story about a baby Humpback Whale that beached itself. Humpback Whales are on the endangered Species List, in addition, they are listed as Vulnerable [to becoming extinct], with approximately 15,000-10,000 individuals in the wild. I find it surprising that they did not attempt to put this humpback whale in captivity though, just because humans like to do that. Most of me feeling like they did the right thing, but I can't help to feel like fighting for its life is almost better. I agree with the reasons they chose to euthanize the baby whale: 1.) Needs to feed off its mother 2.) Needs mother's protection 3.) without 1 and 2 the baby ultimate dies from starvation or from a shark attack. So what they did was a good death considering the other options. But I still can't help to feel like why not try to put it back to sea?! But they may have only saved its life for a day, who knows about tomorrow if the calf could have survived on it own, but the chances were very much against him. But they did everything to attempt to find the mother, there's only so much humans can do. But still, if the baby was put in captivity it would not have had a healthy, happy, long lived life. There's no question that this animal would become too large to fit in any aquarium and it would definitely be hard to keep feeding this whale thousands of pounds of krill a day once it stopped feeding off approximately 100 lbs of milk supplement a day. The baby whale would have no companionship, which these creatures thrive off of through their vocalizations that travel long distances underwater. It would also not have any close physical contact like it would normally in its pod in the wild. Who would really want to take in this animal knowing all that?! Knowing this whale would never truly be happy in captivity. I wouldn't. But it's sad that the baby whale had to die, but most likely it would have had a worse death in the wild, either starving to death or being eaten by a shark!

When will some people ever learn to grow up?

2006-07-18T22:06:00.000-05:00

Honestly, when will some people learn to grow up?! My ex e-mailed me today! To recap what his e-mail said: As usual, talks about the farm, crops, and how he now enjoys the little piggies are being born right now because of me [I used to play with them, take pictures, and help with with what he needed me to do with them, clip nails, pull teeth, move them, etc.], about his trip he took to visit family down south, telling me Boo-Boo says hi [that's my bear I've had since I was two, we had swapped each other things we cherished our first summer apart, but I'll be getting back my bear come the school year, hopefully], that he keeps me in his prayers along with my family, twins/cubs chat. The last two things bug me the most that he mentions in his e-mail: 1. ) He realizes how much he really misses me now and 2.) Him bitching that no one calls or e-mails him at all!!! He complains for 3/4 of his e-mail about that! I respond with grow up and stop complaining. Friendships work two ways! I told him to try picking up a phone or writing his own friends e-mails! I find it funny that I don't count though! But he's really depressed and down that no one calls him. It's like grow up, damn it! I'm the only one who has kept in touch through e-mail. He used to call and I never would answer! I called twice and left two messages about a month ago now, and they haven't been returned. So I really don't want to hear him complain that no one calls or e-mails him because I'm the only one that does! You want to know why I don't count though?! Because he expects me to, it's as though I'm obligated to as though we're still dating! It's like, grr, grow up and move on with your life! So the e-mail I wrote him back is going to be a slap in the face! I really don't care about tip toeing around his feelings. I've had enough of him. I'm not even gonna try anymore. I'm going to say what I feel. He has to learn to deal with it all.

I do have to feel bad for him just a wee bit though. No one does talk to him. They all talk to me! I'm the one who gets drunk phone calls or regular phone calls. I'm the one who gets im's and e-mails from people. I talk to a bunch of our friends every night. But I have the ability to, while he doesn't because he has no internet at home. But that still does not excuse him for picking up the damn phone and calling people. So yeah. Okay enough of me ranting about how much my ex needs to grow up still!! See why I could never see myself with him again! He just makes me annoyed, mad, and angry all at the same time with his stupid bitching and complaining about the stupidest things! Grrr!!!

Well, I love my new background! It's four cocktail glasses at a tropical local! Yum! I'm really craving a really girly, fun, fruity cocktail!!! Do you like it?

Well, I don't really care if you do or not! All that matters is that I do! Hmmm...wow I'm really craving a cocktail right now, which is so rare for me! Well, luckily I'll be heading to Dubuque next week, so I can drink then! I'm looking forward to my trip! :)

Science Paper Reflection

2006-07-17T22:22:00.000-05:00

I wonder if this study is true in humans since it is in bats? Somehow I can see this being true ya know?! I mean let's just play stereotypes for a bit. Jocks have "little" brains (or only know how to think with their little brain) , big muscles, and get laid a lot, altough that doesn't necessarily reflect the size of their testes. Nerds have "big" brains and typically aren't getting laid alot. Hmm...well those are stereotypes. Being a science student I know that accessories take more energy to produce and keep up. So for example in deer, large racks of horns are appealing to the female because it shows their power, age, and have a very nice display of horns which they can use to win a mate over other challengers. But to grow that display required that these males to have a very good nutrient sources and health. This study would be interesting to see if this study also applied to human males based on their IQ, size of their testes, and their sexual tendencies (monogomy or polyogomy).

Sorry, I'm enjoying my science read, although it is an older article. I happened to run across it today searching through the archives. I just like to make further connections. Well, Charlie beat me at pirating today! ARRGH! I will seek revenge at a later date! That's all for now, maybe i'll post another article later tonight~

Quizzes

2006-07-17T03:41:00.000-05:00

What else there for me to do at 3:40AM besides do some quizzes/surveys?! I mean I killed this medium, black spider crawling on my ceiling, but that's not all that exciting! Enjoy pointless quizzes...

You're a Passionate Kisser

You're an Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urgesIf someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of storyYou can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kissesA total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

You are Mystique

You Are Mystique

Sneaky and duplicitous, you're likely to use your powers for evil.You're eternally young looking, people don't realize how old you really are!
Powers: Shapeshifting - you can impersonate other people or become a monster

Which of the X-Men Are You?

You Should Travel to Japan

You Should Travel to Japan

From freak sightings in Harajuku to awesome sashimi, you'll love Japan.And who knows? You might end up on Japanese TV!

What Asian Country Should You Visit?

Your Inner European is Italian!

Your Inner European is Italian!

Passionate and colorful.You show the world what culture really is.

Who's" Your Inner European?

Okay, enough for now! Wow, shouldn't be suprised by any of those. I mean anyone who knows me, knows I'm dying to go to JAPAN!!!! :) I'm going some day, no matter what!!! It's part of my roots! Funny how the Italian side popped up too! The two I'm probably most proud of that I am and know anything about! Well, I should probably force myself to sleep or something! Sweet dreams! Night~

Rethinking...

2006-07-17T00:27:00.000-05:00

I was rereading one of my posts [Busy Bee] from a few days ago. I think, I can't make up my mind about the second half of the post. I realized, WOW, I'm an idiot for saying some of those things, even though I felt like that then. But at the same time, I'm glad I said them. I think I unwisely choose the word "faking." I mean, if I hated "faking" it so much, I never would have bothered in the first place. But the problem is in the same token, I'm not interested. So then what is that?! I dunno either. I honestly enjoy hanging out with him and our bit of flirting. By the end of the night we're both drunk. It's then that I feel the weakest. I have the urge to kiss him, but not a why. Hopefully that makes sense to you. I can't explain why when you put the two of us, single and alone, our history speaks for itself. It's weird. Anyways, I think it's been on my mind lately for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. By the end of the night, we have our no strings attached deal, which works perfect for several reasons for both of us. I had considered breaking that deal though by completely saying no. But I've reconsidered after rethinking things over since then. I dunno, maybe I'm just thinking too much about certain things. It's just when I was with my ex, there were true feelings, love, want, desire, etc. were all there. The only thing stopping us was his dedication to his faith, which I completely respected plus I was a tad bit insecure due to inexperience, which is natural. So it worked. But with my current arrangement, the feelings are lacking, which is why I unfairly used "faking". It's not that I'm faking the whole thing, but I think I need to fake some feelings in there just a bit, to make it less awkward at times for my sake. Last time, I was very drunk and let my mouth run a little too much, oops, that happens! But what I said was the truth, no harm no foul. Yeah what goes on can be fun, with a little more time/experience on my part. But I think the lack of experience really gets to me, makes me insecure which is a really tough thing to do to me normally, and in the same token which is what holds be back too! It's just my ex and I had our own dirty secrets, fantasy, likes, etc., the normal things that are there when you're with someone. But I don't have that in this situation, which is why I say faking it too and which also makes me more reserved. People who have known me for awhile have a certain perception of me, but they don't really know me, and maybe that's the problem. In addition, I don't know him that well; I mean, I do, but I don't. It's just not the same this time around in terms of the feelings and I guess that's where I struggle. Maybe it's me who wants some feelings there, to have it mean something but then that would just make everything a mess in our current deal, but I'm not sure I could even find real feelings in myself anyways. I guess it was arrogant/ignorant of me to say I never even considered him, nor would I ever, and I played things off when he asked me out in high school. I've grown a lot since I was in high school, that was four years ago! I just didn't consider him then or even think about it twice at the time because anyone who knows me knows that I was head over heels for Ken! I had been since the day I met him, which was the first day of junior year of high school, tenth period, Ms. Bannon's expository writing course! :) He sat behind me and the guy who sat in front of me was annoying me! Before I knew it, I was turning around talking to the guy behind me which I quickly fell for and learned so much about! I adored him, but was too shy to ever tell him how I felt! :( Stupid me! Even now, I haven't even thought twice about my current deal. I haven't even thought about consideration of him that way mostly because I don't want to. I'm perfectly fine with the way things are now. I honestly don't know him as well as I used to, but spending time with him I'm getting some insight as to what he has been up to. He's grown up too and changed! I really do think he's a great guy. But I'm enjoying being single. I like going out on dates, having myself back--a litte more flirtatious me which people haven't seen in awhile--, going out and not having to feel any bit of guilt that I'm out with the guys, etc. Is it bad that I want to be single? It's not that I'm not opened to a relationship, I guess if someone really wanted to pursue a true relationship with me, it would take a lot more effort than a guy would be willing. I mean, I guess he'd really have to show me he cared about me and wanted to be in a real true committed relationship. I'm old fashioned in the dating department, so the guy would have to pursue me as always and not the other way around. In the past, this has always made me "hard to get" as the guys have told me. Because I really don't let ya know how I feel, well maybe if you get me wasted enough and badger me on the subject enough too, but even then chances are I wouldn't tell you the truth. It's just not who I am. If a guy wanted to be in a relationship with me, I guess he'd really have to bring his feelings to the table, which really means that that isn't gonna happen. It's like my considerations of boyfriends window is currently closed, but could be reopened upon a moments notice if true interest was presented. Hopefully that makes sense! I've never been the girl who's looking for a boyfriend. Somehow they find me, they ask me out, they make the first move! But once you get me in a relationship, I'm not so old-fashioned anymore! I think that surprises people to hear I'm so old fashioned about the first things in relationships! I guess I'm the girl who makes fun of other girls for always chasing the boys. I could never be that girl I make fun of, it makes me laugh thinking about me chasing a boy. I may like a boy, but that doesn't mean I pursue it or let anyone in on my secret! Chances are you don't know who I like at the time, now and in the past. But at the same time, I want to be single. Some of my friends are like say yes to the guy that asked you out! Guess what, I said no! It was only a week and half after Brian and I broke up! It's like wow, let me breathe! That's what I needed to do for myself! So I have been, and yeah I miss the little things about having a boyfriend, but not as much as a I did at first! I probably will more when I go back to school, but we'll see! I'm just in no rush! I'm picky anyways. But next time around, I'm gonna be more opened minded. This next guy, he doesn't have to be perfect. He just has to understand the current situation: one more year at college and then three straight years of grad school probably around home somewhere! It's that simple! That was one of the biggest problems I had with Brian. No guy is going to stop me from pursuing my dream. No matter what, I'm going to grad school where I want to, not where it's convient for them! I'm sorry, but no matter what happens in my life, I would never be as happy, and I couldn't live that way for one second! I just know how to be me, no offense to the guy or anything! Somehow I could see that becoming a problem if I were to choose differently because of the guy, I would forever regret it! Having a boyfriend isn't on my mind right now, I just need to get things done around here before school starts up! Traveling back to Dubuque in a week! YEAH! :) I'm excited! Strawberry Pancakes with Sam! :) I miss her! Also means, my research is about halfway done since I'm going until the end of September! I guess overall, I need to stop over thinking things....it's what I always do! Maybe I'm just the girl who looks for a deeper meaning because she hates the fakeness! Or did I just become the very thing I hate? Did I become a fake person with my arrangement?! i really don't think so. Next time I see him, I'll be different. In the future things will be different, for the better! :)

Celebrating Good Times!

2006-07-16T15:35:00.000-05:00

Last night was awesome! Celebrated Arlene's 21st birthday with her family and her! It was a lot of fun, it always is! She kinda was busy with party stuff and saying hi and bye and taking care of people at the party that she forgot to eat dinner! Well, that wasn't too good cuz then we got her drunk after most of the people left! :) So we had fun chatting, watching music videos and laughing about reallly stupid things in them, drinking, etc. Unfortunately now, I'm ashamed to say I think I know all the words to Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins cuz we ended up watching that music video too many times that I'd rather not remember! I mean the music video is just like wtf?! Country music with scadly dressed girls who should be in a rap music video...hmmm! It's all so puzzling in a way! Don't believe me?! Check it out here. I know all the guys just appreciated that music video! lol! Anyways, we watched it more than 10 times, that's what we get when Alex has the TV remote and we're looking at music video selection that comcast has.

Anyways, had a good time chilling out at her house and then we went for a ride to Bollingbrook to go to one of the guys brother's place. But Arlene got sick in the car. :( We made her drink too much! So yeah. I guess it's your typical 21st birthday! Took us forever to get there cuz she wasn't doing too good, but we took care of her. So we had fun once we got to Bollingbrook. Had a bon fire! :) Eventually we all got hungry from drinking all night long and ended up at Denny's at 4:00 AM! So that was fun, and a much needed meal to sober up! Then we all went home cuz people had to work and travel home the next day whether by car of plane! So about 5:30 AM I finally came home and crashed into my bed! Was a very good night of fun! Happy Birthday Arlene! Too bad people didn't want to come, they missed out on an awesome time! Plus she was disappointed too! :( Oh well, she's already left to go back to school cuz she has a lot of reading and paper writing to do for tomorrow which she hadn't started yet! So no more Arlene! :( I'm gonna go visit her during the school year a few times and she's coming in the spring term cuz her fall term is too crazy! It's like a 4 hour drive or so, not too bad! I'm looking forward to it!

Well, I'm pretty wiped out cuz I was up by 10AM! I'm sleepy still! So I'm just gonna lay around today! Sunday is my one lazy day of the week! So yeah! Looking forward to watching that Global Warming show on Discovery tonight!

Play list

2006-07-15T11:51:00.000-05:00

I'm listening to music and watching the World Cup right now! You say, the World Cup is over, and I say NO!!!! The World Cup of softball is going on!!! :) It should be a good game, but USA should beat Australia. They were the gold medal matchup in the last olympics ( if i recall correctly, or it might have been the semi final game...it's been awhile) Anyways, I'd be disappointed if they don't win cuz they didn't win it last year! They lost to Japan in last years World Cup Final (they play this every year unlike soccer, which is every 4 years)! But it was a very good game! The Japanese are great fast-pitch softball players! Well, USA is up 4-0 and it's the bottom of the 3rd!

Well, my playlist is a weird mixture lately. It's boarderline pop I'd say, which I know is quite suprising for me! Usually it's alternative or ska/punk music, or my techno/dance music! :) Here's a sample of what I'm listening to right now: (Music Videos are linked that I could find, but I prefer the songs to the videos)
"The Cells" by The Servant
"Steady as She Goes" by the Ranconteurs
"Facedown" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
"The Kill" by 30 Seconds to Mars
"Honestly" by Cartel
"How to Save a Life" and "Over my Head" by The Fray
"Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley
"Dark Blue", "Mixed Tape", and "Lalala Lie" by Jack's Mannequin
"I Can Barely Breathe" and "Tell Me Everything" by Just Surrender
"Angels Losing Sleep" by Our Lady Peace
"Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol
"Stare at the Sun" by Thrice
"These Things" by She Wants Revenge
"Excusable" by Transitition
"The Transition" by Hawthorne Heights
"In the Waiting Line" by Zero 7

Interesting mix I'd say. It's not my normal loud alternative music. It's a much softer sound. But I like it. I know some of it is old stuff, some of it is new, and I bet some of the songs/bands you never heard of! That's just the way I am. I don't care what is mainstream and what isn't! I like going out there and finding bands! I did that so much more the early years of high school! I used to go to local concerts all the time sophomore and junior year of high school! It was awesome and lots of fun! Well, I supposed I should get a move on doing things around the house today! Tonight's party with Arlene!!! :) I'm excited!

I've been eaten ALIVE!!!!!

2006-07-14T22:33:00.000-05:00

It's offical, I've been eaten ALIVE! The damn mosquitoes love me! Well I found out why they love me so! British scientists have studied why some people are eaten alive and other people are never bitten by mosquitoes. (click here for the research it's an interesting read) Has to do with the smell I give off when I sweat. Everyone produces a concoction of odorous chemicals when they perspire. But some people produce these chemicals in differnt ratios which can mask the smell of the first chemical when you sweat which has a "fuity smell." To test these cocktails of odors, the scientists constructed a Y-shaped chamber in which the scents of the subjects were wafted through the chamber towards a swarm of mosquitoes. They observed the reaction and behavior of the mosquitoes to each person's hand at the end of the chamber. They took note of the subjects they avoided, and the ones they were drawn too. Next, sweat of the unattractively odoured ones had their sweat collected by "sealing their bodies in a foil sack, tied under the chin, and collecting and distilling the sweat that poured off them." Eww...don't sign me up for the sweat collecting job...sick! Ha scruff work for grad. students....oh how i'm glad i'm not one of their students! lol! Next, "the most potent repellent chemicals were then isolated by strapping electrodes to the antennae of female mosquitoes," and observing their repsonses. Apparently these chemicals only smell fruity to the mosquitoes and not to humans. So they are in the works of making a better "natural" repellents against mosquitoes. Anyways, if you don't want to be eaten alive by mosquitoes, be fruity! I mean smell fruity! lol! :)

Anyone who knows me, knows I've been playing sand volleyball about every night of the week from 7PM until it's too dark to see a damn thing. Well, afterwards, we all cool off and chat and get eaten alive in my case from sweating the past few hours. I get eaten alive becasue my sweat isn't fruity! If you have a fruity smelling sweat, the mosquitoes don't like you, but if you smell like lactic acid they like you! So yeah for me, I smell like lactic acid when I sweat! lol! No i'm not suprised! I know I can smell especially after playing all out sand volleyball for hours or when i've been playing my traveling fast-pitch softball all day! Trust me, I know I need to shower! :) Good thing I like to shower! Care to join?! ;) lol!

Busy Bee

2006-07-13T23:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been a very busy bee that last few days. Yesterday, I spent all day running errands after working out. Still can't find black flip flops in my size, grrr, broke my black ones at a party almost a year ago now! Bought Sin City for $10! Got Arlene half of her b-day gift. The other have is TBD, but something in the alcohol realm! Any suggestions?! She didn't even drink on her 21st b-day! So I'm definately gonna get her drinking on Saturday's Party! :) Excited! Ran a bunch of other errands too for my mom! That night I played some hardcore sand volleyball, 3 v 3 style! My team kicked ass! We went 3-0 on the night! Somehow Mike, Vidalus (I don't know how to spell his crazy Lituanian name), and me were unstoppable! I served out about every match! Always started us out with at least 5 pts! It was awesome! So sore the next morning though!

Today, got up sore from playing volleyball for 3 hrs the night before, and went to observe for a few hours! That was fun learned a few things, I mean I enjoyed it. Did some stuff around the house, then went to play some more awesome sand volleyball with the crew! Another good day! 4 v 4 today! So I wouldn't have been too sore tonight had i not been sore from yesterday; needless to say, I'm laying in bed. I think my legs don't move anymore! They are sore! But it was fun! So I'm offically part of the crew now! :) Yeah! I made new friends, aren't ya proud?! lol! Rest of the night just laying in bed and watching tv, rewatching Stephen King's Nightmares and Dreamscapes on TNT! I taped them too! So far they did Battleground and Crouch End! I thought they were done pretty well! Although, I never read battleground. But they had visually appealing plots.

Well, tomorrow is just another day. Gotta do some house work and cleaning. Ugh! Get in my work out too as usual. Eventually meeting up with the crew to play some volleyball or something! So it should be fun! :)

I have this guy I get drunk with. Him and I are friends and all. But I spend the whole night half flirting with him to not make everything so awkward so to speak. It's like I spend half the night faking it through because of something. I guess what I mean to say, is that yeah I have a good time hanging out with him. But the kissing and stuff is all fake. I just am finding it hard to fake it anymore. We both know the situation, both know we have no strings attached, but is it bad I don't want to fake it anymore because I'm seriously not interest in him in the slighest bit. I never have been. He kissed me once before a long time ago back in the old days. He asked me out too, I remember playing it off, and I remember getting in trouble for coming home after midnight. I think i rolled in about 1:30AM that day! opps, wasn't looking at the time! We were all like sleepy that day hanging out and I didn't even notice it was so late. Even then, I just didn't find anything in his kiss that was appealing to me then or even now. I mean he's a great guy, but not my guy, not my type of guy. We're just too different that it would never work, and I've always known that. That's why I never even thought twice about him kissing me or asking me out.

I never even considered him, nor would I ever, and I wouldn't even blink an eye about it. He's not even the type of guy I like. The guys I like are based on the internal characteristics, but I'll start with the outer ones just for fun. Well, if you know me and know me well, I like my guys tall, dark, handsome, and a little buff! :) I mean Ken in high school was the guy I liked, and not because of the way he looked, that was just a major bonus! I definately found him appealing! I guess he really embodied a lot of what I wanted in a guy and always have. Too bad he's the one I let slip through my fingers, I still regret that, but it's in the past! Anyways, the first thing I look at catches my eye about a guy is his eyes. I guess i've always had a thing about the way a guy can look at you and smile. If i don't know the color of your eyes in detail, trust my i'm not interested. If you ask me and I just say blue or brown, strike out for you because I'm obviously not interested. Like for example, my ex, his eyes were hazel, when they were on the brownish side they always were yellowish around his pupil and at the edges they were a gray blue, in between they were shades of brown. Get my drift...good.

Well, I guess the first thing that catches my eye about a guys character is his loyalty, trust, respect, and a good sense of humor. He doesn't have to be Mr. Funny, but I'm so sarcastic most of the time, if you don't know me well, I guess you'd missed that one. I really like guys who are loyal, trusting, and respectful no matter what. It speaks to me a lot about their character. I like my guys to be smart too, they don't have to be brillant, but someone who I can chat with about anything and he can educate me about other things. I enjoy having intellectually stimulating conversations even when I don't know a damn thing about the subject! Other times, I'm the expert! Sports have been my life, so I prefer guys who will go out and play sports, even if they suck at them, but at least they willing to try, and they watch a little bit too! I like them to be nice, caring, affectionate, etc. It's all the typical things. I guess I know what I want, but i'm not gonna write it all down here. I mean I like people with a future, people who have reasonable goals or half know what they want, I mean i don't like life planned out. But i hate people who are like hey i have this useless degree, i don't know why I went to college besides to party, and now I work no where or at some minimum wage grunt work. It's like what happened to you?! Maybe that's just me. It's not about money, it's about dreaming and wanting things in life and achieving them. I don't feel like going on. I guess I want what every girl wants. The difference is, I don't settle for a guy who isn't these things, or isn't a guy I mesh well with. I mean I won't date guys who aren't. I've gotten picky in my years! So this guy, I've been getting drunk with and what not, well he is a great guy in his own means, but he's not one of the guys i would ever consider dating. So you ask why write this or why even mention anything. Truth is, I dunno, but the fact remains I care not for him, nor will I ever, so the stupid question is why do I keep allowing myself to get drunk with him and let the night proceed as planned when i'm clearly not interested. Funny how we all use each other. Because I know we are both using each other to fill a need of the other, for me, I think it's two things. One the obvious and two the other obvious, but i bet you don't know the two obvious's when it comes to me. I'm a simple girl, enough said. But I can't stop laughing about why I let this go on agreeing to use each other and fake it through the night. Although I have fun hanging out with him, it's the faking it that i don't find fun. A fake kiss of passion, lust, etc, is a waste of kiss if you ask me. So why should allow myself to waste my kisses on a guy that means absolutely nothing to me?! Yet, I'm the shy, old-fashioned girl lwhen it comes to the guys I've been going out on dates with, or the other guy that I kinda like and spend time with we're both in the same town. Riddle me this: Why do I waste my kisses on a guy who doesn't deserve them, but conserve them for the ones that do?!?! Riddle me this! (Hint 1: I'm shy! Hint 2: I'm old-fashioned.....I think that only begins to answer that question!)

On a side note, I must admit, at times I miss having a boyfriend. I mean I've been dating a guy or seeing a guy for about 4 straight years now! I mean since senior year of high school! I need a break, I need to be single, but I miss my phone ringing with a hey you! I miss being called an angel, and all the inside jokes I had with my ex. I miss the way he would run up to me and grab me, pick me up, etc. I miss the way he held me in his arms and kissed me. My good night visits every night!I miss the way i fell asleep in his arms. I miss his warmth! I miss the way he smiles at me. What i miss most of all is just having someone there. Maybe that's why I let my kisses be wasted on a guy I have no interest there. I think in a sense he fills a void of me missing my boyfriend. But I don't even look at him that way at all, i don't know how to make that any clearer. I guess it's nice to find yourself in some guys arms, even if he's completely wrong, but for now, our agreement fills a void. A void for both of us, yet we both use each other, the best part is, I know I won't get hurt! I don't regret anything between the two of us, but I feel absolutely no attachment or attraction towards him. Maybe that's why I make sure to get drunk when I'm with him! Although last time, I was about ready to pass out from being so tired and drunk!

I laugh about my secret life. People have no idea about me what so ever. Ha and you call yourself my friend. Isn't it interesting why practically none of my friends are even aware of the fact that I have a blog or even know the adress of it! :P I will always be the girl full of secrets! I like it that way! :)

All-Star Game

2006-07-11T21:55:00.000-05:00

The All-Star Game has been...ZZZZZZzzzzzzz...opps, I think I feel asleep there watching it! It's been so boring! It's almost over! But hey, my NL is currently winning 2-1! But that doesn't mean a damn thing when you look at the AL's line up of hitters who all can hit the long ball at any minute! Been a boring game thus far! I thought it was about time they honored Roberto Clemente for everything he's done in baseball and in the world! He has a great man, who died too young! Well, not too exciting today! Gonna watch the end of the game, AL is making a comeback right now! :( oh well~

Italy Wins!

2006-07-09T18:12:00.000-05:00

ITALY WINS THE WORLD CUP!!!!! :) Awesome! Was a good game to watch! Had a good time watching it over at Helm's with a few other people! I laughed how much they didn't know about soccer, when I know everything, cuz my brother plays. I mean he's on a full ride to a Division I school that was awesome last year and placed 4th in the tournament and he plays for the Chicago Fire's farm team too! But none of them know that, I think they were suprised about how much I knew. Oh well. Anyways, exciting game! Definately some viscious headbutting going on by Zidane! lol! Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1i_l0OeeMc

Cubs won today too! That's two in a row! YEAH! : )
Had a good busy weekend thus far! And now I need to pack for vacation!!!! :)

Stuff

2006-07-09T10:05:00.000-05:00

Well I'm going on vaction for a week! YEAH! Off to one of our properties in Pennsylvania that I loved growing up, but I have been too busy to go in the last 5 years or so now! So i'm excited to go fishing, intertubing, swimming, shooting, camp fire stuff, etc! I really liked our place along the river! So no updates until I get back, we up in the middle of no where, no internet, recently got tv, but otherwise it's always been well water and electricity, so it's not like we're roughing it really. Just a nice relaxing place to go and hang out. Too bad none of my friends could tag along cuz they are too busy in Iowa, oh well!

I guess I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. I'm looking forward to school beginning again in a little over a month. Summer seemed to have flown by quickly. Still much to do! Looking forward going back to dbq in three weeks and then the following week I get Iowa visitors! Sweet! Going to a Cubs game, museums, and other Chicago attractions! I guess as the same time I see the line being draw between my friends and me. Especially those that are living with my ex, more specifically balk. He told me if he had to choose, he'd choose me reguardless of the fact that him and tlach are sharing a room. That comment shocked me at the time. But thinking about it now, I guess only time can tell with him. A lot of our friends don't know we broke up and write me emails asking how brian is on the farm and what not. I usually mention he's good (since we are emailing each other), but that we broke up. Then I get the infamous question why? Of course I'm not going to tell them every single detail, I simply state people grow apart and head in different directions, which is very true. I just can't see myself with him ever again.
I had a dream about that last night, but with several other familar faces of my past. The dream was so familar to woke me up and kinda shocked me and made me think twice. Brian was in it, but I pretty much told him off like I've been doing. He kept being persistant though, but persistance does not pay off in my book. Anyways, in my dream I ended up hurting him even more telling him I'm not the girl he thought I was. I've made decisions that he would be appalled about, but the truth is, I don't give a damn what he thinks, but in the same token, I'm not gonna tell him anything either. It's none of his business, nor do I care to please him. I only know how to please myself.

Anyways the rest of the dream was a series of past boyfriends or guys I was practically seeing all showing up again along with my current ones. It was odd and eerie. There was something so familar about each one of them. Looking back on it, each guy I've dated is like a memory in and of itself. A memory of who I was then, what they meant to me then, and stages of my life. The funny part is, even in my dream I didn't regret anything with anyone. But in real life, looking back on it, I think i do regret not clearing up issues with me and one of my boyfriends. I gave up on that relationship and I gave up on trying to tell the truth because he didn't believe me. I let him believe whatever he wanted. I asked him what he wanted to hear and he told me exactly what he wanted to hear, so I pretty much spit that right back out. I told him the lies he wanted to hear were true, but it doesn't matter! Things are what they are. But there was still the one thing I'll always regret in my life about a certain guy, it's been four year since then, but I still can't find the words to say anything. He was too scared to make a move and I don't make the first move, I guess my flaw of being old fashioned. He finally told me how he felt all too late. The next week, I handed him everything I had ever written about him. He was astonished to know how old some of my writings were and to learn that him and me had the same feelings for each other all this time. Maybe that was my great mistake in this life. I'll never know. It's hard to say that yeah we would have been together the rest of high school and college, I just couldn't see that happening. So maybe it's a regret worth happening! I dunno. Somehow though, I've never lost the feeling for him. If there was one person who has always had a part of my heart, it's him; still even today, it's him. I guess some people are hard to escape in life. They impact your life without being aware of it. He is one of those people who has and he doesn't really know it. Him and I are on and off talkers still, it's okay. Yeah I saw him recently about a month ago, but it's not the same, especially cuz I won't be seeing him any time soon. It's hard to know how perfect we are for each other but the timing isn't there. That happens.

I know sidetracked from my dream....maybe it's just hard to write it down. It's perfectly clear in my hear, but getting out on "paper" is the tough part right now. Maybe it's the names and people of the past and present, maybe it's something better kept to myself. We know me and my secrets. What's one more in the game of life?

So I was bored a few nights ago...

2006-07-08T02:16:00.000-05:00

So I was bored a few nights ago and curled me hair. What do you think? Yeah i know, it still needs to be cut, I think I'm going to get it cut when I get back from vaction.
So yeah, I was bored, and curled my hair for the hell of it, it lasted all of about 3 hours until it all fell out, stupid straight thin hair! lol!

Apparently I'm too nice and nobody is that nice!

2006-07-07T17:30:00.000-05:00

All I keep hearing from my friends at Loras is that I'm too nice to them. All my friends say I'm too nice and nobody is that nice in real life. Well apparently I am.
Case #1: So read this short police beat article in the Hinsdale Doings about a certain friend's love interest, so I said something to her about it. She couldn't believe I would show her the article about him. I didn't do it to start anything, but when the guy you're practically seeing is arrested for assult and battery, last time I checked, that's a fairly big deal. He hasn't told her and he was arrested about 2.5 weeks ago for this. So she tells me I'm too nice for looking out for her and being concerned about her safety, yet she is grateful for what I've done.

Case #2: A little over a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. His counsin/roommate happens to be one of my best friends too, is the only person around in Dubuque and spends about every minute with me. So to pay him back for being there for me when he didn't have to be and everything else he's always done for me, I take him out for dinner, pay at the $1.50 movie theater to see a flick, and buy some alcohol which we split and get drunk on. Then my next trip to Dubuque, I go on an alcohol run for him, Brita, and me. While at my favorite store to buy alcohol at, Hyvee Wines and Spirits (how i miss hyvee...lol), I see that his favorite beer, Sam Adams, is on sale for $5.99 for a six pack. So I buy him that, but apparently that's being too nice. Yet he let's me crash at his place whenever. Even during the school year when I was dealing with my evil ex roommate who was a bitch and when people ditched me in dubuque and went home when I was supposed to be staying at their place. Apparently, I've always been too nice to him because people tell me when he's had a rough day or he tells me about it, and I do something to suprise him. My ex and him seemed to always have bad days on the same days so I would do stuff for both of them. I cheered them up with favorite ice cream, doughnuts, messages, movies, going out places, alochol, etc. Balk loved my birthday present the most: made him a homemade cake with frosting and got him two posters of Jessica Alba from Sin City which I bought for a steal off of ebay. So apparently, by being a friend i'm too nice to him. Yet, he's been there for me through everything and has been one of my closest guy friends at Loras.

Case #3: The reason why I stopped liking Ken as much in high school for awhile. He told me I'm too nice. That i'm too selfless and should learn to be more selfish. He told me that my selflessness and caring about others and being so nice was a cover for something else. What else might u ask? Beats me. Yeah I have my secrets, but I am a nice person. He called me too nice at the time because me and him had bonded in a class and started hanging out. The only christmas present that he got from anyone at school two years in a row were from me. But it wasn't anything great, trust me, it was a batch of cookies I had made that I had given to other friends too and the other year was like a hot cocoa variety mix and another small batch of my cookies. I never expected anything in return, but apparently giving him his only christmas presents from someone at Central was being too nice.

Case #4: My best friend calls me balling her eyes out. So what do I do, I do see her. But that's being too nice and too good of a friend.

The cases go on, but in all these cases, am I not just being a good friend? I have very few close friends for a reason, I'm very private and very picky about who I choose to be close to me. Don't feel snubbed if you're not close to me, it just takes awhile. I'm very private about my life, but lately I've been saying more because it's hard to keep telling white lies about certain things especially when people start coming to my house. My house is more of a mess than ever, my mom is sicker than ever. Some days she's alright, but the bad ones, well they are real bad, but i'm not gonna share the details.

I feel like today's society has forgotten the simplicities in life. Being nice is not a crime. I'm by no means a suck up or a brown noser, nor am I a people pleaser. I'm the opposite, I'm a bit of a rebel in my own way and I don't give a damn about what people think about me. I just don't. Maybe it's because I raised myself and dealt with a lot growing up. But I've never really cared and I still don't. That's why my friends are few and far between, but the close ones are the ones I hate to lose the most. I'm glad I'll always have my best friend, Arlene, we've been friends since 2nd grade and we always will be! I miss her. Anyways, people in today's world have forgotten just how to be nice and civil towards each other. A simple act can mean a lot to someone. It shows you care and that they matter to you in some way, shape, or form. I guess in today's world my niceness and caring is like a diamond in the rough. Hard to find, but cherished when discovered. :) I'm glad to have friends who do appreciate it even though they tell me that I'm too nice and nobody is that nice nowadays!

Sick of Stupid People

2006-07-05T23:45:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty much fed up with a certain one of my friends. I've had it up to here with her shit. It's the same stunt every time. Not that I didn't expect it on Fourth of July to happen, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of her being on every guy I intoduce her to! She'a done it to every guy I've dated or was even dating at the time, every guy friend i have, etc. She's all over them reguardless of whether or not they have a girlfriend. She's ignorant to do that to my boyfriends and she has done that in the past. It's been more than 10 guys that I've introduced her to that she's been all over. She always manages to put a wedge in between each of those guys and me. How does she manage this every time? Well, she tells them lies about me or the things i say about them, etc. It's a fucking joke, I've lost some of my best guy friends to her and now i'm losing one more! This is a joke! I'm losing on of my best guy friends for the last 6 years to her crap! It's ridiculous! I'm waiting for school to start up and her to be all over my ex. Oh just wait, she will be! Why? Because she's always told me how jealous she was of him and me and everything we had in our relationship and what a good guy brian is, etc. She wanted him from day one and told me that, but she had no idea i was his girlfriend at the time because i met her with around the dorms with a mutual friend we happened to share when she first started coming to school. She has been all over my ex since day one even while we were dating and she called me one of her best friends! What "best friend" is all over your boyfriend?! Honestly! So yeah, i'm pretty much sick of this crap from her! I'm never introducing her to another guy ever again! I've had enough of this shit! She's all over ever guy because that's the way she is! She wants a boyfriend, but is too immature to have a relationship nor could she ever be faithful by any means! But she has a knack of breaking up couples because she's always all over that guy with a girlfriend! Of course she changes her mind on a day to day basis! I mean she comes to my house ranting about two guys and then next few hours she's all over my best guy friend who has a girlfriend, which i told her before hand! He keeps pushing her off and then flirting with me to try to get her to leave him alone, but she won't! Then she gets mad and jealous of me that he's flirting with me and i'm trying to steal him from her! When she knows I think of him like my brother and we always playfully flirt but that's it. Completely meaningless. I think I'd shoot myself in the stomach twice before I'd ever consider him more than a friend!
She couldn't handle that he didn't want her and that he has a girlfriend! So of course, while we're watching fireworks, she tries to lay on him, and instead he gets behind me and wraps his arms around me and puts his head on my shoulder. No big deal. But it is to her since she got all pissed off at me! I guess I don't think much of it because me and him have always been close that way, no big deal! There's absolutely no feelings there, but it's a joke that she's telling him all this shit that she cliams I said about him to her. All of which is untrue minus that I told her I think of him as my annoying brother sometimes, but that's the friendship I have with him. He knows that, I've told him that before. But it's sick that he kinda believes her and is being an asshole towards me now. Apparently he broke up with his girlfriend this afternoon too. So wtf...I honestly don't have eyes for him, but she does! But you know she will this week, but not the next! I could say the worst things in the world about her to him, but i won't! That's not me. I guess he'll have to find that out on his own! But in the mean time I've pretty much lost one of my best guy friends to her shit.
I hate stupid girls! I hate their drama! And most of all I hate putting up with their stupid shit all the time! So enough is enough!!!

Happy 4th of July!!!

2006-07-05T02:08:00.000-05:00

Tonight was a good day hanging out with people. We drank, grilled out, played volleyball, basketball, pool stuff, hung around the pool, etc, it was a good time! Went to Four Lakes to sit on the top of the hill to watch all the firework displays in the area! That was awesome! You can see about 7+ firework shows from 9PM and on, espeically since Lisle's who is the closest to there does theirs at about 10ish! So that was awesome hanging out chatting, drinking, watching fireworks! :) Afterwards, we came back and lit off a bunch more fireworks over at my friend's house! Had a grand ol' time!
Watching the fireworks made me remember the last time I did that! Made me miss having a boyfriend. Not that i missed him, I just missed having someone there! Someone to snuggle up against, someone to lend me their warmth of being close to them, someone to kiss me softly under the fireworks, someone to laugh with, someone to share good time with! I may miss all those things, but it doesn't matter. None of it makes me miss/want Brian back, even though he keeps telling me he wants me back and made a mistake. He needs to deal with it, i've moved on! He doesn't get a second chance so the same problems can occur once more, I've had enough, he hasn't changed enough or matured to understand that I guess! Being back with him is the last thing I want to do, so i won't! There is no point.
I've moved on, but it's nice to have a boyfriend. Someone who is there for you, to spend time with, to share moments with, etc. It's normal to want to have someone in your life that way. But at the same time i don't want that, if i did i wouldn't have made some choices that I have in the past few weeks! But irreguardless about how i currently feel about having a boyfriend doesn't matter. The idea is always nice, but in reality, i'd prefer to be single for awhile. It's nice to go out and have fun and not have to worry about anything! I don't have any regrets and nothing to hold me back from having fun! I really like being single and i'm enjoying every second of it!
But there's nights I wish i had someone there with me! Someone to hang out with, drink with, watch movies, go to dinner, and to fall asleep with. There was just something perfect the way me and brian fit together that I miss. I always feel asleep with his arms wrapped around me and awoke exactly that way. It was always a great feeling and warmth. Someone who kissed me softly good morning and squeezed me ever so slightly in his time to wake up way he always did since he always woke up first! I guess I miss that the most about him. I miss curling up and falling asleep next to him on the weekend only of course, if u knew him u'd understand why. But still, I've never felt safer in my life then the moment i found myself in his arms falling asleep. No one else in the past has ever done that, but we seemed to fit together. I guess it's hard to explain, I miss those things, but i don't miss him. I doubt that makes sense to any of you, but it makes perfect sense to me!
Anyways, Happy Fourth of July!!! :)

Ribfest Bust

2006-07-02T17:47:00.000-05:00

Last night friends from college came into town to hang out and go to Ribfest! Unfortunately, somehow, Ribfest was sold out!! :( Not cool! So we did a lot of walking to there, then around downtown Naperville, and then back to Becca's house. Nice to see people! Becca and I had a nice little chat since we defected from the group temporarily because the rest of the group went to get dinner and Becca and I wanted to go to Jamba Juice!!! So that was nice, I haven't talked to her in a long time, mostly because of my old evil roommate and her being close friends, but apparently they aren't anymore! HA! It was nice to see everyone again, but they are so indecisive.
So I left since they were just gonna watch a movie back at Becca's and went over to catch the party at Chris's house. But I caught that one on the down swing. It was alright to see people, but really they were up to nothing. The most eventful things of the night was Helms with the vaccuum cleaner trying to catch all the bugs and then Tian and Ben going at it cuz Ben kept hitting Tian in the eye. Pretty uneventful and fairly boring. Oh well, apparently I missed most of the fun going on earlier in the night...oh well...no big deal!
Well, my Cubbies beat the Sox today 15-11!!! About time they didn't drop the ball again like last game, two outs top of 9 and they can't close out the game yet again! I think they only know how to play like 7 innings, someone needs to inform them they are playing baseball (9 innings for those that don't know) and not softball (7 innings=complete game). Ehh, they aren't playing all that great together right now, you can't make a team with talent play together and that is their problem more than anything aside from all the injuries this year! Well, i'm off to hang out with people...later~

Sand Volleyball!!!

2006-06-30T00:58:00.000-05:00

Yeah!!! I found a group to play sand volleyball with and they are good!!! So it was awesome playing with them! I knew most of them, or knew of them. Several of them went to Westview with me, but the rest of them went to Central, but they were a year younger than me. So it was nice to see them and hangout! I don't think I've ever been sandier in my entire life! Head to toe was covered in sand from diving and what not! It was a blast! Nice to find a group that likes to do stuff and will be calling me to join because they enjoyed me being there! I seemed to have blended in quite well! :) Yeah for making new friends who get up off their lazy asses and do stuff!!!! But now i'm sore...so it's time to sleep! Night Night~

Thinking about cutting my hair...

2006-06-29T15:44:00.000-05:00

I'm thinking I might go get my hair cut today. I'm just sick of the same long hair. It hasn't been cut in over a year and it's all straggly at the ends...yuck! So I need a hair cut. Sounds about right for me. I like getting my hair cut, I usually do after I get out of relationships. It's kinda symbolic in a sense to me, it's like cutting off the past and part of something that is my past is gone. Ehh...I guess I don't know how to explain it that well. Maybe that makes sense to someone. Hmm...we'll see. One of my sorta friends graduated from cosmotology school and works at some place, but he said he'd cut my hair whenever at his house. So I'm thinking today just might be the day.
In the mean time, is there some cry about using emoticons? I'm a girl and italian, we're on the expressive side so to speak. If any of you have ever talked to me on aim you would know i use them all the time. They are fun to use, just simple faces! But apparently that is a crime to some people. Ehh...whatever~ Well, I have to go start dinner now....so later~

A little get together

2006-06-29T01:55:00.000-05:00

Not too much going on today. Been taking care of all the sick people in this house and have somehow managed not to catch whatever the hell they have. This is quite an accomplishment for me because i'm usually the first and the last to get sick and am very suceptible to catching colds. Tonight we went to this party I was absolutely dreading. It turned out being fun. I was suprised. It was for my parent's friends gathering and their children. Only the awesome kids came and not the stuck up, snobby, bitchy, whiny, etc. kids. Well, we're not kids anymore. I'm one of the oldest, the rest are pretty much in high school and college now, so they aren't as bad as they used to be! :) It was fun though chatting with everyone since I haven't seen them in about 5 years now, roughly. I had fun playing Russian Ping Pong!!! I haven't done that since high school!!!! Crazy funness! I got plans to play volleyball with this group of guys now, so at least I have plans for once!! One of the kids there went to high school with me and he mentioned how they never have enough players, etc, and asked if i was interested, so i took him up on the offer. So hopefully he will be calling me sometime soon to play! Would be nice to play with that bunch! Would also be nice to play with my group of friends, but everyone seems lazy and they don't want to play anymore. Gabe said he'd try to get people to play some time soonish...we'll see how that goes. Something tells me the first time people get all there acts together will be the first day i'm supposed to play with the other bunch.....because that is just my luck! lol! ehh..summer is going good.
I find it funny my ex wrote me an email a few days ago saying he's sorry he hasn't called me in awhile and stuff. But when I was in dubuque last week he called one of the guys i was with practically every night....hmm...you know i'm in dbq, why don't you just call my phone..have me not pick up as usual and stop lying to me! You obviously had time to call me when you called balk every night and he was off the phone in less than two minutes, so he could have called me, but no! So now that i'm ready to talk to him, he's not ready to face me. Ha! Oh yeah...you keep calling him because heaven forbid that balk and i hook up. ::cough cough:: That will never happen...ever!! Mark my words on that one....not interested, only intersted in my date guy...but that's not gonna work out now, so in the mean time, i'm just having fun living the single life! :) and i'm loving every second of it! Talked to balk today, he thinks that's why brian can't talk to me. My emails have clearly stated to my ex that i have been going out on dates and i'm over him without using that phrase, while he sees his faults and that he made a mistake by dumping me and now he has to live with it. Apparently he's not dealing with that one well at all, not my problem. I have no regrets about dating him....no regrets that we broke up...but he does! But he has to deal with that....I can't see myself going back to him ever....not if he doesn't change a lot!!! I don't want to change him though, I never wanted to change anyone. I've always wanted people to be themselves. Speaking of which, in the last two weeks i've felt a lot more like myself again. I guess I didn't notice before how "un-tootie" I've been....lol! Everything is all good now! well, maybe i should sleep! Sleep and me haven't been getting along well...oh well....night night~

Updated Picture

2006-06-27T22:06:00.000-05:00

Oh yeah, here's an updated picture of me from this year with my two roommates at the Last Call Bar Crawl Seniors 2006! It was an awesome night sending off the seniors at too many bars to count! =)

Quizzes

2006-06-27T21:24:00.000-05:00

You Are 48% Cynical

Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist.You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.

How'>http://www.blogthings.com/howcynicalareyouquiz/">How Cynical Are You?

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges.You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions.Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist.Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!).
Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others.And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you.You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically.Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas.
Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/">What Kind of Soul Are You?

le='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'>People Envy Your IngenuityYou're a person with unique ideas, big plans, and a zany outlook on life. Many people look to you for inspiration.People envy your creativity and "who cares?" attitude. They feel very ordinary next to you - and they usually are!

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatdopeopleenvyaboutyouquiz/">What Do People Envy About You?

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm"You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone...Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-)
You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear.Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing.The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person.
Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life.You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face.Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofseducerareyouquiz/">What Kind of Seducer Are You?

You Are a Lime Margarita

Realistic and grounded, you have the energy to tackle any obstacle that stands in your way.
Hyper and driven, you despise lazy behavior of all kinds... especially lazy drunks too tired to dance!

What Flavor Margarita Are You?

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ)

You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented.
Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules.

You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader.
You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you.

A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do.
You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up.

In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly.

At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions.

With others, you tend to be polite and formal.

As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself.

On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

The Three Question Personality Test

You Are The Wheel of Fortune

You represent the cycles of life, death, and rebirth.
You embrace change, the the ups and downs of life.
Fate is something you accept, even when you could possibly change things.
Big things tend to happen to you more than other people.

Your fortune:

Something huge is about to happen in your life, and you have little control over it.
You must accept your destiny, but luckily it is good fortune that has come your way.
Big things and big changes are about to come your way.
And while things will be intense for a while, they will be followed by a period of rest.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Lust: 40%

Wrath: 40%

Greed: 20%

Sloth: 20%

Envy: 0%

Gluttony: 0%

Pride: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 17%

You'll die of a yet to be discovered STD.

How Sinful Are You?

Your Stripper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears

"I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it.
I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it."

You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatsongshouldyoustriptoquiz/">What Song Should You Strip To?

Alright, well I was super bored! Can ya tell!? Nothing on tv to watch and no one is around so yeah, a fairly boring night. Oh well, was a busy day! Later~

Not Much

2006-06-27T12:43:00.000-05:00

Not too much going on really. Went to a movie with Paul last night. I wouldn't recommending seeing The Breakup. It was very dry and wasn't all that great at all. The ending was terrible and overall I thought this movie was like a D. It was just overall very bad. But it was nice to hang out with Paul since I hadn't seen him in two weeks. He's about one of the only people who are home who call me ever plus he practically lives at my house too.
Not too much else going on today, going to do some observational hours this afternoon and tha't about it. I know not really exciting life I lead at the moment. It's pretty much get up, workout (usually running or biking), take care of people around the house, run errands, work on my thesis and grad school stuff. Well, there's a short update. Later~

Past Week

2006-06-25T13:25:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been in Dubuque the past week working on my thesis which is going pretty good. It's odd being back in my Lab 19. Half of the room is bare and the other half is remnants of Czar that haven't been removed. The classroom still has the potent smell of his cigerettes. It's hard being back knowing that he's really gone because he will be missed not only by me but a majority of the science students and professors. Thesis work is going, i have 200+ tardigrades collected that are awaiting to be processed, but they can't be processed until I get some chemicals ordered but it's all one big disaster since my new thesis advisor doesn't know what to do anymore. So finishing up this thesis work is gonna be a ball...not!
Spent most of the week with Brita. I hadn't seen her since school got out. We had fun hanging out, playing with her pets, and watching anime and movies. We got our traditional chinese buffet meal at 4 seasons! Too bad Becca is back in Madison since she only did the first half of summer school! :( Also means that when i was in dubuque last time will be the last time i will most likely see her before she heads off to study abroad for a year since i'll be graduating next spring! Oh well, I'll come visit and have to play with the Xeno's with her! The rest of the time I spent with the guys, Balk and Charlie. Hung out watched movies, played basketball and frisbee, drank, etc. Went to two movies: United 93 and Scary Movie 4 at the $1.50 theater! I think that's about the best cheap entertainment in Dubuque! United 93 was done really well. It was definately harder to watch than I thought it would be. It brought back a lot of memories of 9/11. It was hard to watch knowing that all the dialogue spoken on the phones were exact words during these people final hour. Overall, i think it's a movie that anyone part of this generation needs to see because of the events of 9/11. Scary Movie 4 was alright, had fairly funny parts, but you defiantely had to see the movies it spoofed to understand what is going on. Balk and I had no problem with that because we had seen those flicks, but Charlie hadn't and he was a little lost especially cuz he didn't see The Grudge which was the main movie spoofed. It was an okay film, i'm not crazy about the scary movie films.
Overall, I had a good time in Dubuque except I missed Sam! :( Oh well, I'll see her in a month when i'm back doing research again. On the way back from Dubuque, I stopped in to visit Tyson since he's the only one of the group I hadn't seen I think 2 years now. That was fun hanging out, watching movies, drinking, etc. Too bad i suck at chain 6....damn card game! lol!
Well, the rest of this week I'll be doing observational hours two days a week, assembling thesis info on my computer, reading, and looking at grad schools.....which is pretty much what I have been up to most of the summer! Probably go visit Christa some time this week since i haven't seen her in like 2.5 weeks now. =(
My date boy called me while in Dubuque! =) As perfect as we both are for each other, I know it's not gonna work out. It would be pointless to date someone for the rest of the summer who is about 3 hrs away doing summer school and then when the school year turns around he'll be 6-6.5 hrs away. We virtually wouldn't spend anytime together what so ever, so what would be the point? Why should we ruin a good friendship that has remained that way because we are shy and scared. We all know that i'm old fashioned and will never make the first move. As much as I wish, we both know it's not a reality at this moment. Maybe some day, but probably not until i get done with grad school and get settled down a bit if we ever do finally have perfecting timing to say the least. In the mean time, I'm enjoying myself and having fun! Single and loving it, no regrets and no having to account to a boyfriend with twenty million questions. It's been good to see my friends from Loras this past week. They make me wish I was there all summer with them. Too bad i'm back at home and no one is really around besides rich and paul! ahhhh!!! later~

Date :)

2006-06-18T10:04:00.000-05:00

So my date last night was great. Maybe not you're typical real date, but it was fun nonetheless. It was something we both enjoyed. I dunno why I won't tell people who it is. I just don't want to, not that i'm hiding anything, but the fact that I don't want ten million questions. Everyone assumes I went to high school with him since i made mention of not seeing him in ~4 years now. But anyone who knew me and knew me well, would know I mostly dated guys outside the Central realm.
Anyway, back to the date topic. Well, I went to his house and he cooked/grilled out dinner for me! :) I've never had a guy single handedly cook for me. I always cook for the guy or he helps me out so it's 50/50. But never did I not have to cook despite me offering a hand to do so. It was really sweet and it turns out he's a good cook too. I told him I owe him dinner another day.
Well about 7:30 it started down pouring and we were sitting outside on his deck eating fruit for dessert. So that was a fun scramble inside.
Well I had a good rest of the night. We talked and caught up, watched Sleepy Hallow (since he told me to bring a movie, so in decisive me brought 3 cuz I didn't know what I'd later be in the mood for! lol!), watched some tv, played some games, etc. I had a great time with him. It's nice to know that the guy who had eyes for me still did, but unfortunately our timing sucks. Too bad our timing sucks. I'm pretty certain that a part of me will always like him no matter what. That has been the case for the last ~4 years now.
He wrote me a really sweet e-mail last night. To sum it up, it pretty much said he had a great time. He wishes I went to college with him or somewhere even remotely near him cuz he said he wished he could come see me all the time. He told me again how he felt about me, but that we both agreed it wasn't the smartest thing to start a relationship now, but he hopes that one day we will.
Unfornately, we've never had good timing or seem to be going in the same direction in life. He's getting done with school this spring and I'm off to graduate school, so I don't think that's going to work all that great either. Sucks because he is one of those people who will always mean something for me despite that fact that nothing has ever happened between us. He kissed me quickly and sweetly good night, and that's been it. We've always been so shy around each other. He makes me so nervous and really shy and I can't to begin to tell you why.
It's good to be back in the game and I'm loving every second of it. No regrets. :)

Odd to think now

2006-06-16T14:25:00.000-05:00

Even now people refer to Brian and I as a couple. It's odd. It seems like forever one moment and then not the next. It's funny how people still say that want what Brian and I had. I laugh now thinking about it. You want a guy that lives five years into the future? You want a guy that gets scared so easily and is always afraid of losing you if you spend a night out with other people and god forbid I go to the bars or parties drinking without him?! It was a crime for him not to know where i was all the time it seemed like. We practically always had to do or hangout with his friends or do things he wanted than to hang out with my friends, who he decided he didn't like very much. It wasn't fun. Yeah we had great times hanging out just the two of us and there were feelings there. Part of me thinks i might have fallen in love with him, but i'm not sure what love really is, but the point is, I don't miss him. I miss the feeling of having someone there for me no matter what, something he didn't always do. It's nice having someone there who will listen and understand completely even if you don't say much. Someone to hang out with and have little inside jokes with which mean a lot more to us than anyone else. I miss the way he smiled at me and the way he told me he cared about me and the way he held me and kissed me. But i don't miss him, i just miss those feelings. I know somewhere out there there is someone for me, but i'm too young to want that now. I want a world before i find that right person. I want to be the ambitious girl i am, but i'm not too ambitious, i can get these things I want. I want to go to grad school, i want a job i'm going to love, i want to travel, I just want so much. So much that i can have, but not with someone so insecure and inconsiderate of the things i want in my life. I would give up everything for the right one if i knew it was real, but i'm not ready to do that. When the time comes i'll know, but until then, i'm gonna live my life the way i want.

Yesterday was fun going to the Cubs game with Rich. We had a good time! Too bad they lose 3-2 to the Astros, oh well. It was fun nonetheless. I loved walking the streets of downtown chicago all by myself. I've never done that before. I had to meet rich and a friend at the ballpark and he was gonna drive me home, so i took the train down to union station and then walked the 7 blocks over to catch the red line! :) It was fun taking in the sights. I really do like chicago, I guess i never realized how much I really did. Being away at college makes me miss things that i'm not sure i really knew i missed. It's been a lifetime since i've been down in chicago for anything besides a sporting event, usually driving directly there. But this time i had free time to wander the street and was completely on my own. It was a great feeling. I think i forgot what it was like to be single and how good the sun can feel on my face all by myself. It's good. I feel good and I feel happy!!

On an exciting note, I'm going on a date this Saturday! :) Looking forward to it, but i feel the need to keep it to myself. I haven't seen this guy in practically four years now, i guess i'm afraid he might not be the same guy he was then. But it doesn't matter. I date would be good for me, and he knows i'm not looking for anything right now. It would just be a nice offical date and catching up.

Next week i'll be back at Dubuque working on my thesis! :) Can't wait to do that and see everybody again! I missed you guys!!!

A New Summer

2006-06-08T23:11:00.000-05:00

This summer has brought a new me. I once again single me. A girl who can go out have fun laugh and be herself. I no longer have to be the girl shut up and not doing anything and always having to detail her activities and actions to her boyfriend. It's nice, I really missed it! Not that i don't miss my boyfriend, but just things weren't okay anymore. We drifted apart through tough times and finals. I had been questioning us for quite some time, but in the end it was him who bailed on me. I went through some really rough times with my closest professor dying right at then end of the school year which effected my thesis work, class work for him, etc. Long story short, the one person who should have been there for me bailed on me. I felt betrayed and hurt because i lost someone who was one of my best friends. It's weird. Anyways, currently we're taking the summer apart and then we'll see where we are, but i have my doubts. He thinks we might get back together, is it bad that i don't?! When you date someone you tend to ignore the flaws, but when you break up and step back, it's those glaringly obvious flaws that make me not want to be with him unless he grows up! I feel bad that i got over him so quickly, he meant a lot to me, but i realized how unhappy i've been. My happiness was a hazy fog, but i didn't notice it anymore until i found a clearing in the fog. Once you're out of the fog you just don't want to go back, it's just that simple. So it's nice being single once again. I know i can do better than him, not that i'm full of myself or anything, but i'm just too ambitious for him. Yeah i'm ambitious but i can achieve my goals and i will. Apparently that is intiminating to him, that i want something in life and to know what that is. I know me and him will be friends, because we have a very strong friendship. I just can't see myself with him again until he grows up. Even though he wants me back right now, i just can't. I can't go back knowing that nothing is different, that he hasn't changed one bit. It's just that simple. It's hard knowing that we both like each other still, but aren't together for reasons. But the thing is, i've moved on and i just don't think about him the way i used to. I haven't now for quite sometime. It honestly took me less than a week to feel fine, not think about him anymore, or shed any more tears. I'll always be me, the girl who is way too independent for her own good. A girl with too many secrets. But i like who i am, flaws and all.

Well, it's been nice seeing my old friends from practically 4 years ago, my senior group of friends, and meeting a few new additions. It's odd though. I don't really know any of them all that well anymore. I feel bad that I didn't keep in touch, but i'm glad we're talking again. They were my second favorite group in high school to hang out with, the first being anh, dave, and arlene which were part of the 2nd group! Lately it's been fun hanging out with a group who likes to do things and play sports. I miss the about being at school becuase we would always have a group to do something!

It's been nice, people from my past dropping in on my present. I can't help to just regret one thing in my life. My letter guy, we started talking again. Too bad he's not home for the summer. I really regret my choices about him. He's the one thing i do think about and have. I can't even being to explain why. I wonder how things would be different. I really think i wouldn't have gone to loras, but loras has had it's ups and downs, but in the end it's been a worth while trip. It's a regret in my life, the only one i have. I have to live with it, but it's always that one huge "What if.." deal. What if i had choosen differently? What if everything. I liked him forever. I will always wonder and always regret. It will always be what if concerning him... Another story another day...

In the mean time, been working on my thesis work...back to research for that and for applying to grad schools! I'm excited for a new destination and adventure!!! :)

Gone

2006-02-20T00:28:00.000-06:00

Yeah i know i've been gone. Not sure why i'm keeping this blog when it's been unlinked from the only people who read it...seems kinda pointless then...i'm writing for no real reason...oh yeah...well this is gonna be short cuz i'm kinda sick...anyways hmm...this semester has been going good so far! I moved about a week ago! I love my new house! Sam and Bridget are awesome!!! :) It's been fun! i have the whole upstairs to myself, it really big...i have a nice big bed (two twins pushed together)...all and all it's awesome! I'll take pictures once i find my charger to my digital camera...not sure where it was put last! opps! I know it's around here somewhere! I haven't quite all moved in yet either so that does help! I've only been here for a week! Ehh...lots to say, but i can't seem to shake this cold..so i think i'm gonna lay down and fall asleep. I'll post later i suppose...we'll see~

Thoughts...

2005-12-20T01:45:00.000-06:00

I received three interesting phone calls today! Not from anyone at the party, but from three guys...one of which is my boyfriend; the other two, other guys. Needless to say I got asked out on two dates...both of which I declined. What is it about me that all these guys like and they continue to chase after me?! But of course it's always the ones I really like that are too scared to tell me how they feel until it's too late! It's been the trend. Is it that hard to tell someone how you feel?! I guess I shouldn't be a hypocrite though either....I mean I never tell a guy how I feel about him if I honestly like him....you have to break me down first or get me really drunk...only then will I ever approach a guy and tell him how I feel! Drunken actions tend to be sober thoughts....or atleast that is the case with me, but either way it doesn't matter! I guess I can't be a hypocrite for scrutinizing people who keep these feelings for me bottled up and never tell me....because I'm so old fashioned that I would never dream in a million years of telling them how I feel first. That's not me, that was not the way I was raised. I'm old-fashioned when it comes to guys and dating. I will not ask a guy out nor will I ever really let him know I'm interested unless he gets my suddle hints. For instance, how long did me and ken play that game?! For an entire year....and why did nothing happen.....because he was scared that I didn't like him like...or that he'd ruin our friendship! And why didn't I make a move or anything....the exact same reasons! So what did I learn from that....if you really want something you have to take actions....although I learned the lesson doesn't mean I changed....I'm still the same girl I was then as I am now...the girl who is too scared to make changes in her life to affect friendships and or tell anyone how she feels about them. Funny thing is, talking to my boyfriend made me really happy, he apologized for being such a jerk lately and rightfully so. I guess it took him being away from me to realize what he was missing out on and that he took every single part of me for grand it! Made me miss him too! Somedays I know exactly where we stand and other days I'm just confused! I guess since break started I was confused and worried...now I feel like he's committed just to me again. He tells me he's finally over his ex now...whatever that means! Confuses the hell outta me...I'm not sure how to take that! Oh it's okay...you're in a relationship with me and still have feelings for ur first girlfriend........umm...yeah...right......!!!! Irony is, seeing my first boyfriend didn't make me flinch one bit. Not for one second did I think of the past or things once between me and him...it was so long ago...not that I don't remember or want to remember....but the past becomes the past and is the past.....the past is a jumble of memories...you have for a lifetime...but no longer affect you on any certain level...they are just the past....I guess it's something you once took in stride and now it doesn't even phase you one bit! I guess that's the best way to sum that up! Anyways, the boy claims he's coming to visit hopefully that or see me on New Years in Dubuque partying it up with my friends and doing a little research work a few days before and after for Dr. Shealer....gonna go catch some birds and band them for him and what not! Not that bad....but I don't see that money until the summer....oh well! I think I can manage with what I have now! Anyways....it's getting to be late...and I have forgotten why I even started this post....oh well...enjoy the ramblings.......................................................................................................................... I think I remember now though.......the original gist of this post was supposed to be "don't keep feelings bottled up or you can miss out on some of the best things in life"....somewhere that message was supposed to be....I think I took a major tangent instead....I guess I'm tired....sweet dreams all....time to dream of my perfect guy....

Past Meets Present

2005-12-18T20:45:00.000-06:00

This weekend was fun getting to hang out and party with my old friends from high school! I almost decided not to come...but i'm glad i did. It's been a long time seeing some of them...since senior year of high school! Overall, I had a great time....some things are kinda fuzzy....i dunno. I felt so sick this morning....i've never been sicker before in my life. I didn't have any water until i was way past gone and nothing to eat either...opps...those are two no no's when it comes to me and drinking....it's weird not having people around who know me and force me to drink water! I'd say that i got a little carried away! Felt okay until this morning when my body was purging itself of every last drop of alcohol! But it was fun overall! Chatting with people who i haven't seen in forever playing some drinking games and what not! At first, I felt a little outta place, but after being there 20 minutes it was like it was normal, back to the old ways and friend. So my friends of the past have decided to remerge and meet one of my current friends, Christa! I miss her as my roomie...we screwed up and should have been roommates again....oh well...next year we're hoping for a spot in the NAC with Christa, Margo, and Jen! So that should be fun! But i'm gonna miss my Margo this spring while she studies abroad in Pretoria, South Africa!!! :( Oh well.
Anyways, I'm gonna chalk up anything said to me at the party as drunken talk when it comes to expressing how someone feels about me. Even if all words exchanged were true, I had nothing to regret in the morning, but he probably did. I can't have anything to regret when i'm in an open relationship and my boyfriend is at home spending lots of time with his ex-girlfriend that he stilll likes and hasn't gotten over and now she likes him again. So chances are when i return to school and he doesn't come to visit me, I'm gonna guess it's over...no matter who pulls the plug. I guess it kinda sucks lately. We've been dating for over a year and then outta the blue we run into his ex and he starts acting differently, and i knew he still liked her from just that one encounter. Puts me in a bind to say the least. No matter how much i care about my current boyfriend, I just wish he's pay a little more attention to me, and we all know i'm not an attention whore by any means. I want a guy who will be there for me. I guess who will wrap his arms around me and hold me close and tell me that he cares about me. "Love" can wait, that word still scares me. I don't want to hear whispered i love you's...i just want to hear that someone cares about me and likes me for me. Too bad there's too many obstacles in all guys interested. Then there's the guy I went to homecoming with, the guy who still pawns over me and hasn't "seen" anyone at all because no girl is like me to him. I've always been the one that got away from him, but he's also been the one that got away from me too! So i guess it's all even in love and war! I decided i'm not gonna worry about how a certain friend feels about me. If he's interested he knows how to get a hold of me, but that doesn't mean i'm gonna jump at the oppertunity because i'm tied down too in a sense. An open relationship leaves me with options. I can't help but to think that i should of kissed him because i'd have no regret myself, but that simple kiss would have told me everything i needed to know. But for now, i will not think of things regreted and in the past. The past is the past and timing has never been my thing. I was a bit worried that things would be odd between me and my ex-boyfriend...but to tell you the truth it wasn't at all! Funny cuz we haven't spoken since we basically broke up sophomore year of high school. I was glad it wasn't a problem nor did it feel weird on any level. I guess the only weird thing about seeing my friends from the past is that they are almost all exactly the same people, which is good, but it brings back feelings that i haven't had in a long time. I miss these friends, friends who actually like to do things and hang out, who are fun and cool, and you never have a bad time with unless you make it that way yourself. I guess i've missed them all for so long and they have never known the difference. If there was one batch of friends i wish i still had and hung out with all the time...it would be them. Too bad that they'll never really know how much i miss them all as friends, but i haven't been missed one bit! Because if I was, they all wouldn't have stopped talking to me. Anyways.....i think i'm gonna go watch what's left of one of the football games...say bears and flacons! Go Falcons!!!!
Pictures will be posted shortly, mostly on facebook and i'll tag people and put a few up here! later~

Are we in High School...Come on now People!!!

2005-12-05T00:35:00.000-06:00

So this weekend was filled with craziness and drama for the most part. So sorry guys your about to read a rant post...so stop here unless you want to hear me rant about some of my friends. I hang out with three different groups..this applies to the group of sophomore...oh wait that explains it all right there.
So I promised to go out and buy some of my other friends some alcohol because they aren't 21 yet...and i had to go out and get mine for the night too. So Saturday it's snowing all day and i wait until about 4PM to head somewhere that's just normally a 5-10 minute drive from campus...no it took me like 35 minutes to get there. Snow was sucky, they didn't plow, they didn't salt, and the hills were slick with inches of snow and ice! Needless to say many cars were sliding down the hills and unable to get up them...even some trucks had problems. So i didn't dare attempt taking Loras Blvd. then....so i was forced to take Cox St. Oh that was fun...my brakes locked up going down the hill and luckily no one was coming and i had to bail out...i almost ended up in a ditch cuz i couldn't slow down. That was just the first of my brakes locking up. It was bad out. Sucky!!! :( Anyways two hours later I returned up upper campus and left my car there cuz i didn't attempt to move it to lower campus and attempt my brakes locking out or slide down Loras Blvd. and getting into an accident. Well I made it back safe. Had to stash all the alcohol in my backpack and then True carried the overnight bag! It was quite funny. Anyways so only less than an hour later we were supposed to be leaving for dinner reservations at this expensive restaurant for Becca's b-day. I told her I wouldn't drive anymore cuz I didn't want to risk everyone else's lives in my car cuz it only continued to snow and the conditions were even worse now around 6 then when i left for the errand earlier. So then i get accussed of attempting to sabatoge her b-day because i don't want to drive. I saw enough people stuck, in a ditch, accident, etc...that i didn't want to join the numbers. I didn't want to wreck my car or have myself or anyone else hurt. But No...caring meant that i was just a bitch and cruel and mean and trying to ruin Becca's b-day. 12 people went total.....half of who have a car here....but no...none of them were willing to drive before when she asked...and now no one would drive now either yet they all had the nerve to bitch at me because i was trying to ruin her b-day! OMG grow up people! Get a life! You all don't care about anyone or anything but yourselves! You are all self-centered rich bitches...wow reminds me of high school....sick! Worst part of it all was my roommate bitching at me the most that I wouldn't drive...when she herself copped out of driving because she didn't feel like going. BS....it's one of you're best friends birthday's and you don't go! Wow....some friend you are.....and that was her plan from day one! She's like i don't want to go, it's expensive i don't want to be around them either blah blah blah! Wow what a bitch! She's changed so much since last year....i really don't like her one bit anymore! Not that i did a whole lot in the first place...i just got stuck living with her! :( Sucky i know! I hope i move out and if I don't she will be so yeah!!! :) Then i might have a room to myself!!! :) Then everyone bitches at me the rest of the night and the next day! It's like wow grow up...i stopped even saying anything...i just ignore them....they can bitch all they want! I've had enough of their junior/high school shit! Needless to say i'm going to not be hanging around them anymore! I think i'll stick with my other two groups! The nerve of some people.....people who wouldn't drive themselves...those that accuse me of being a bitch...those that call themselves my friends I think not!! How can anyone accuse me of attempting to sabatoge Becca's b-day when i threw them all fun parties or called them up or visited them on their b-day's if we weren't at school! My god people....grow up!
Let's be honest....this group completely ditched me on my b-day! They were supposed to take me out for dinner and what not...nope they all ditched and found "better" things to do on my 21st b-day! Never bothered to say happy b-day! Just built up a big plan for my b-day and then just pushed me off the cliff! Thanks guys....you suck! You are no friends of mine...and you will never be again....so don't talk to me! You know who you are and what you did....btw...u don't tell my boyfriend through an im to apolgize for you to me about what you did and said! I live in the same building of you...you can walk your ass to my room and apoligize in person...but i will won't accept your apolage, but at least then you did it properly...dumbass! Stupid Sophomores....get a life and get out of mine for good...minus a handful of you!
The rest of my crappy weekend was spend doing homework, projects, papers, reading, etc...studying for finals....i can't wait for school to get out and for me to get away from some of these people! And also people bitching at me the rest of the weekend....grrr...GROW UP!!!
Well I should finish my homework and go to bed...thanks for listening to my rant....sweet dreams all....only two more weeks left of school! yeah! :)

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila. Floor~

2005-11-19T13:20:00.000-06:00

Last night was girl's night out! :) We had a big mexican feast. Cooked up dinner of tacos, a crazy dip mix for tortilla chips, and margaritas. We tried some recepie we found online for pink lemonade margaritas but they were just okay. So we tweaked the recepie and made some fun drinks with tequila. Last night was a lot of fun chilling out with the girls. We also watched movies and some TV cuz Rachel was sick so we skipped the planned party and instead had a good night in. She might have whopping cough!!! :( Hope not! Well, time to get up and shower and do a little hw cuz i'm going at 3 to the bars with my plant biology class (all 12 of us) for dr. czar! :) It will be fun! For those of you who don't know czar, he's the best prof. in the biology department here, but unfortunately he's going through chemo right now to hopefully get rid of his cancer! Gotta try to watch PENN STATE kick Michgan St. today so that they clinch the Big Ten Title!!! :) Later~

Recap of the past

2005-11-15T23:29:00.000-06:00

Sounds like a good place to start this blog off from the requests of the friends is to recap what I have been up to! So.....
Well, i'm a junior soon to be senior at the end of this semester majoring in bio-research! I'm not sure what i'm gonna do yet...too many options, but i need to make up my mind soon! School has been crazy stressful with all the classes i'm taking...i'm insane to take 5 science courses and 1 other one and start working on my senior thesis!!!! But somehow i'm getting B's or better in all of them!! :) So i'm happy, but i have to work my ass off, which unfortunately cuts my fun time down during the week!! :( But I try to make it up on the weekends when i'm not doing homework! I'm looking forward to this weekend...gonna be a girls night out, which means lots of drinking and fun! :)
So what have I really been up to in the last three years.....more like what haven't i been up to! Went through my whole crazy i'm single in college phase frosh and some of soph year! So we know what that means! Having good times out drinking during the weekends, doing dumb things, and Monday morning seeing people I hope don't remember me! ;)
I'll bore you with a quick story from sophomore year, but I promise to load you guys a picture of all the cute girls! Anyways, it was Amy's birthday so it was the girls having a good time drinking and partying with a few of our guy friends. Pretty much drunk all evening, but having an awesome time. By the time we hit up the third party of the night, we're all drunk having fun dancing and what not. I was definately drunk the night I met my boyfriend. So i guess that was the point of the story. I met Brian that night and after hanging out with him the next few nights he asked me out. :) Brian and I have been dating since September 13, 2004!!! So it's been a little over a year now. Things have been pretty good thus far! You guys would probably like him if you got to know him. He's a farm boy from North Central Iowa.
Yeah I don't get Iowa some days! People in Dubuque can't drive. They drive as slow as molasses on a nice clear day. But the second it starts raining or snowing they drive a few drive like grandma and the rest drive like crazed maniacs! The only things to do on campus is drinking or going to parties! Dubuque doesn't have much else, the best thing this year is $1.50 theater...otherwise it's an arm and leg to see a movie ($7.00+), bowling is expensive, we have a crappy mall, we just got a kohl's, a new expensive movie theater with like 16 screens which they think is exciting, panera, red robin, starbucks, etc....it's kinda sad some days~
Grr....it started snowing here today!!! :( Stupid snow....it's not fun! Campus is a little hilly and this weather makes everything slick which is fun until you slip and fall walking to class!! I like the way the first snow looks...i just don't enjoy it when it gets dirty~ :( Then it's not pretty! Pretty snow, i just don't like the cold weather...so where do i do to school..in iowa where it's colder than Chicago!
Well, i know first boring post and random...sorry about my tangents it's just free flowing thoughts~ Enjoy! Promise to write some more soon Enjoy some pictures in the mean time~

~Amy's Birthday Pictures~