I wish I could say this so that you could let go...

I saw you this weekend. You told me how much you are hurt by me now. I dunno what to say. I didn't do anything and maybe that was the problem. How was I supposed to know you considered me your girlfriend, but not all at the same time. How was I supposed to know you cared so much about me?! All you ever did was attempt to make me jealous by talking about other girls....that's exactly what turns me off and away! Duh! No girl wants to hear about other girls by name and how much you want to have sex with them. So there's a distinction between sex and a relationship to you?! That's news to me. All you ever talk about is sex and how much you want to just fuck some girls and drop them. That's you, you're the player....you're not boyfriend material. I gave you a chance you asked for, but I turned around and drop one guys name and you FREAK OUT! Wow....nice to know our conversations were always a two-way street when apparently they weren't for me. You can talk all the shit you want to about girls, but god forbid I mention one guy....ha..shows how insecure you are. Don't get me wrong I knew you were...I know so much about you. You are a well worn out book...I know every mark on the cover and I can read almost all the pages, even the ones you think you hidden, but I decoded them. There's a few pages I don't know, but I know what they mean about you without the details. I know you, I know you too well. That's my problem. I saw you this weekend and you wanted more, you ask me to stay with you this weekend on my return to school for Homecoming, but I can't be with you. No matter how much time passes, you will always be you and I will never love you. I have on occasion had a crush on you, but never once loved you! I never will and NOTHING you DO or SAY can change my heart no matter how hard you try. I'm sorry that I wounded your heart so, I didn't know what I was doing to it because I thought you DIDN'T CARE!!! You go around saying I don't care about everything, including me. Then almost a year into knowing you and being friends, you break down and tell me how much you are worried that when you back to school that we won't be friends anymore, that we won't talk, etc....HELLO?! It's me, of course I'll have your back and IF you KNEW better, you'd know if you are my friend a year later, that's a BIG STEP!!!! I don't keep the same friends for a year! There's so much you don't know about me, funny how I learn of you keeping tabs on me now. When we are fighting, or half fighting or where ever the hell we stand right now. You said a half sorry and relegated with some crap about who knows what vague as ever, but so you. You could never answer a simple question with more than one word ever. A complicated question is something you could never answer in so many words either...complicated answers never did you justice any way! I will NEVER be YOURS!!! I definitely take responsibility for why you are hurt, but you are half responsible too, but you will never see it that way! I already apologized for asking you if you were impersonating me online....I knew it wasn't you,but I grew paranoid and asked you. I'm sorry, I've said it a million times, but just because I asked doesn't mean that I ever betrayed your trust. I'm sorry that you feel that way. Now I know and I saw exactly how much I really HURT you! I'm so sorry. I always knew the way you looked at me....the way your eyes sparkled and the way you held me close. You were weak again this weekend, you did it again when you saw me. You let me hurt you again. The way you laid on top of me and held me close. The way you just wanted to be close. Why do you keep letting yourself fall for me. I know you couldn't last long being mad at me for something stupid and a total misunderstanding. No surprise there. I just wish you could move on that or I could justify a reason to really be with you. But I can't and I just never will and I'm sorry. Please stop wasting your time on me that way, we're not together. We never were official, I know we were together for awhile and I know I said goodbye to that, but it was my choice. I see how much I hurt you and how much you are tortured by me and I really never did anything to provoke it. You know how I feel about you, I don't, we're friends, that's it, end of story. I'm sorry I won't ever be yours. I wish you the best. Let go of me and let us just be just friends and nothing more because it's for the best for us both!!!

Today is the first day of feeling like fall, which I'm excited about. Got on my layers of clothes...anyone who knows me knows I love to wear layers 2-3 is my norm!!! :P The only thing that could make tonight any better is a guy. I'm wearing my comfy sweat pants, sweat shirt with a tank top underneath, a cup of Japanese green tea, snuggled on the couch, I just could use a snuggle buddy. But I want my snuggle buddy to be a real guy, not just any guy! Anyways I like the things I want the picture I paint in my head of one day having, they aren't unrealistic by any means, or things that I haven't had in the past. I used to sit on a couch with one of my best friends with our sun tea watching our favorite show and had some of the best times there just talking and chilling even though I'm partial to the floor! The couch made a good back rest...lol! So much to say....but not tonight!!! :P