I wish I could say this so that you could let go...

I saw you this weekend. You told me how much you are hurt by me now. I dunno what to say. I didn't do anything and maybe that was the problem. How was I supposed to know you considered me your girlfriend, but not all at the same time. How was I supposed to know you cared so much about me?! All you ever did was attempt to make me jealous by talking about other girls....that's exactly what turns me off and away! Duh! No girl wants to hear about other girls by name and how much you want to have sex with them. So there's a distinction between sex and a relationship to you?! That's news to me. All you ever talk about is sex and how much you want to just fuck some girls and drop them. That's you, you're the player....you're not boyfriend material. I gave you a chance you asked for, but I turned around and drop one guys name and you FREAK OUT! Wow....nice to know our conversations were always a two-way street when apparently they weren't for me. You can talk all the shit you want to about girls, but god forbid I mention one guy....ha..shows how insecure you are. Don't get me wrong I knew you were...I know so much about you. You are a well worn out book...I know every mark on the cover and I can read almost all the pages, even the ones you think you hidden, but I decoded them. There's a few pages I don't know, but I know what they mean about you without the details. I know you, I know you too well. That's my problem. I saw you this weekend and you wanted more, you ask me to stay with you this weekend on my return to school for Homecoming, but I can't be with you. No matter how much time passes, you will always be you and I will never love you. I have on occasion had a crush on you, but never once loved you! I never will and NOTHING you DO or SAY can change my heart no matter how hard you try. I'm sorry that I wounded your heart so, I didn't know what I was doing to it because I thought you DIDN'T CARE!!! You go around saying I don't care about everything, including me. Then almost a year into knowing you and being friends, you break down and tell me how much you are worried that when you back to school that we won't be friends anymore, that we won't talk, etc....HELLO?! It's me, of course I'll have your back and IF you KNEW better, you'd know if you are my friend a year later, that's a BIG STEP!!!! I don't keep the same friends for a year! There's so much you don't know about me, funny how I learn of you keeping tabs on me now. When we are fighting, or half fighting or where ever the hell we stand right now. You said a half sorry and relegated with some crap about who knows what vague as ever, but so you. You could never answer a simple question with more than one word ever. A complicated question is something you could never answer in so many words either...complicated answers never did you justice any way! I will NEVER be YOURS!!! I definitely take responsibility for why you are hurt, but you are half responsible too, but you will never see it that way! I already apologized for asking you if you were impersonating me online....I knew it wasn't you,but I grew paranoid and asked you. I'm sorry, I've said it a million times, but just because I asked doesn't mean that I ever betrayed your trust. I'm sorry that you feel that way. Now I know and I saw exactly how much I really HURT you! I'm so sorry. I always knew the way you looked at me....the way your eyes sparkled and the way you held me close. You were weak again this weekend, you did it again when you saw me. You let me hurt you again. The way you laid on top of me and held me close. The way you just wanted to be close. Why do you keep letting yourself fall for me. I know you couldn't last long being mad at me for something stupid and a total misunderstanding. No surprise there. I just wish you could move on that or I could justify a reason to really be with you. But I can't and I just never will and I'm sorry. Please stop wasting your time on me that way, we're not together. We never were official, I know we were together for awhile and I know I said goodbye to that, but it was my choice. I see how much I hurt you and how much you are tortured by me and I really never did anything to provoke it. You know how I feel about you, I don't, we're friends, that's it, end of story. I'm sorry I won't ever be yours. I wish you the best. Let go of me and let us just be just friends and nothing more because it's for the best for us both!!!

Today is the first day of feeling like fall, which I'm excited about. Got on my layers of clothes...anyone who knows me knows I love to wear layers 2-3 is my norm!!! :P The only thing that could make tonight any better is a guy. I'm wearing my comfy sweat pants, sweat shirt with a tank top underneath, a cup of Japanese green tea, snuggled on the couch, I just could use a snuggle buddy. But I want my snuggle buddy to be a real guy, not just any guy! Anyways I like the things I want the picture I paint in my head of one day having, they aren't unrealistic by any means, or things that I haven't had in the past. I used to sit on a couch with one of my best friends with our sun tea watching our favorite show and had some of the best times there just talking and chilling even though I'm partial to the floor! The couch made a good back rest...lol! So much to say....but not tonight!!! :P

Another year older

Well yesterday was my birthday. Didn't really seem like it. No one to celebrate with minus my family, but it wasn't anything special by any means. I was surprised how many people actually remembered, but was disappointed by those that forgot who shouldn't have. Good thing it's me, and I could care less. It doesn't bother me. But halfway through cooking my birthday dinner I realized something....this is the first time since I started dating that I didn't have a boyfriend during my birthday (which means the last time I didn't have a boyfriend when it was my birthday was way back in the day, 8th grade!!! How crazy is that?!?!?! Just all of a sudden hit me cuz I was thinking why the hell am I cooking my own birthday dinner?! Today felt like any other day and it was nothing special. Birthday celebration will be this weekend!!! Plus it's also my first Homecoming as an alumni!!! :) So I'm super excited to see everyone and party. In addition I have birthday plans with one of my best friends who's birthday was a week prior to mine, but we haven't celebrated since she is a senior this year and I graduated and was outta town to the East coast as usual Thursday through Sunday! I know busy me still been traveling tons! I know I should work on getting a job, but I haven't even looked. Been working on my grad. school applications....picked out 6 schools I'm applying to. Finished up my personal statement and worked on the essays or short answer stupid stuff that is on them. So I'm almost all finished up there and I'm excited about that! Then I will go job hunting, been putting my life on hold in a sense cuz i needed the escape. I needed to just be all alone. I'm sorry that I stopped talking to pretty much everyone. Just the way I am. I like to be alone. I like having my own life separate from everyone. But it felt odd not to share my birthday with someone special. Although last year I was severely disappointed in my boyfriend, who got way too trashed for homecoming and didn't make it out with my friends and I for my birthday dinner, and then drinking, cake, and presents back at one of my friend's places. Also on my birthday, I met a guy who turned out to show me sides of me I didn't know I had. He kept me outta trouble and out of relationships which ironically I thank him for. He'll never know how much I appreciate the relationship him and I have. Ironically I saw him this weekend. We sorta talked things out...aka....not really but he admitted quickly that he was wrong, and then kissed me so we couldn't talk about it. Typical him, I actually never thought we'd talk again. But his "smooth" apology doesn't cut it....I don't quite believe him...I know better not to. He's keeping tabs on me....I think it's funny. He knew I was outta town this weekend, that it was my b-day, and a bunch of other stuff....but he thinks I'm seeing someone...I just laughed and told him it was none of his business. I guess that's for me to know and you to find out. ;) hehehe!

That's all for now....I had written some other posts, but I seem to have misplaced them in the transferring of documents between disks and computer...when I find them I'll upload them cuz I wrote a few entries and never got around to posting them...so blog is gonna be a bit outta sorts for the next few posts....don't fret....I'll be back in order by next week!!! Well...Happy Birthday to ME!!! :P