Crazy Confusing Life

Things have been so up and down hill lately, it's hard to know where I stand at times. So the weekend before my Loras College friends started school, I went to visit for four days. My trip was overall so much fun! Pretty much saw everyone and had a great time kicking back drinks and chilling with friends! Of course the guy I've been going on dates with/seeing on and off since November and I did our usual have a little fight but always make up quickly, etc. So I had an extra key cut from living at his place and he had to go home to play some baseball and I had other plans so it all worked out great. I spent the night he was gone over at one of my group of guy's houses on a couch. Where one of the guys I always play beer pong against accidentally sat on me and scared me when I was sleeping! It was amusing! He totally didn't see me curled up on his couch after insisting that I sleep downstairs in his room! lol! :P It was good to see him, he's one of my younger bio friends! :) Anyways, said guy who is my best guy friend/sorta something more (the whole confusion that I don't like to think/want to deal with) and I had a fight, talked about stuff. I told him I don't want to change the relationship that him and I have. Anyways, he comes back into town and I'm still in town on Monday and we run errands and such and he needs to get into his house but we're making a run after he drops something off, so to make things easier I give him the extra key. He then gets in the car and gives the key back to me telling me he would like me to come visit and wouldn't mind me surprising him by coming into town. Prior to him leaving for school, we actually had a serious conversation about how he's worried to lose me as a friend and that he really values our friendship and that I'm his best friend, etc....as I reciprocate all said. I feel the same, he's my best guy friend at school without a question, I enjoy spending time with him, he's really opened up to me, learned to trust me, etc....somehow I learned that weekend that I actually somewhere deep in me have some sort of feelings for him. But don't get me wrong, I had a tiny crush on him, but as said, I didn't want to change our current arranged relationship we have. In a nutshell, where we're together in person, we're together, but when we're apart, we're apart....clear....ya that's what I thought! lol! :P Anyways his interest was sparked more of lately for particular reasons....lol....no comment. But I can't stop laughing about some of it, but it's not appropriate to talk about. Let's just say we spent too many hours going at it in the time spent together and we exhausted each other out! lol! ;) After said weekend of fun, etc....I get home, of course he wants me to call him when I get home, but he gets slightly mad at me because when I left his house at 4:30PM I stayed in dbq for another 3 hrs and he thought I was coming back to say goodbye! I missed that part, but whatever, he learned to get over it. He just is a bit of a baby like that at times cuz he felt neglected. Anyways after fun weekend etc...things are going good!

Then things turn to hell. Someone gets online and starts iming people under a new screenname claiming to be me and saying all this shit about my friends and that I'm a whore and all this other stuff..NOT COOL ONE BIT!!!! So I get really mad cuz it's like wtf?! What did I do to deserve this! NOTHING! Anyways, my best friend that's a girl gets the most of the im's and she immediately accuses said boy from earlier. Immediately I stand up for said boy because I trust him and don't believe he could do that to me EVER!!! I trust him too much and he's one of my best friends so my heart tells me it's not him. But I start going crazy cuz things said get worse and this person obviously doesn't know me based off what Alison convinced them up which was untrue....so this person knows nothing of me at all! Anyways I said said boy twice cuz he never really answered me the first time and he just goes off on me. Starts calling me a bitch says he can't believe I don't trust him, etc. and most importantly two things 1.) can't believe he calls me his best friend so we're no longer friends and 2.) can't believe he likes me. Enough said to know where this all goes...so me and him are in a huge fight since then...oh wait we still are. He doesn't understand what I was going through, etc. He was being a dick about it and should have been a friend to me and understand and listen to me, but nope he wasn't! IT was all about HIM! and not about his best friend ME! We all know I'm not selfish, but seriously he pissed me off! But at the same time I'm so mad at him right now and so hurt all at once! I'm mostly hurt cuz I lost my best guy friend, the guy i kinda like in this weird twisted i'll never date him way but secretively sort of like him but not really way (I can't explain), but now I definitely don't like him. I honestly don't think him and I will ever recover from this fight from words exchanged by him! He won't even talk to me at all....so I'm giving him space cuz that's what he needs and then we usually are friends again, but I feel this time is different given the circumstances. Also him and I fought online.....we always work things out in person cuz online is impersonal and confusing and things said were not what were meant, but both of us hurt each other. Literally one second I want to wring his neck and the next I wish I was cuddle up with him. I don't expect anyone to understand any of that. Anyways, I feel like I have really lost said boy completely as my best guy friend because I'm no longer in dbq. He actually IMed me today cuz he heard I might be coming to dbq this weekend and wanted me to come see him, but then he got mad that he wasn't aware I might be in town, that I wasn't staying at his place, and I wasn't going to see him....or at least that is my understanding from another friend we share. Anyways, I'm not coming to dbq now because I forgot about prior commitments this weekend at home especially the IRL race Sunday morning! Anyways, then apparently he got mad at me again for not coming to see him to fix things, so whatever....I'm done with dealing/thinking about him right now. It's driving me crazy though cuz I care so much about him as a friend! I really miss my best friend, we would talk like every other day even during the summer....and I miss that! I really miss my best friend and I'm giving him space, but honestly, it's killing to. So he's getting the space he wants, but I fear I don't have the time to go see him to fix things which is why we won't be friends. Apparently he's still really pissed at me for not TRUSTING him, which I completely do. I just can't seem to explain to him what was doing on before he got mad at me for all of it. :( I really miss him though. I don't miss for the wrong reasons, I don't miss him for the more than friends we were, I miss him purely for our friendship. He was someone I had really opened up to and this is the first time in a long time that I feel really betrayed and hurt by a friend. Immensely more than ever any of a certain-ex best friend. I can't explain why he means so much to me, but he does. I loved spending time with him just chilling and such! I always thought it was cute that he wanted me to always be at his baseball games, even this summer! :)

After that I was going to go to dbq to fix things last weekend since said guy and i had this fight like Thursday morning last week. But I opted to go to Akron to visit my brother and watch him play soccer and head to Pennsylvania because I needed to get away and clear my head. Also got my foot in the door at grad. school there too which was a huge plus since I'm working on my applications now! I'm giving said boy space, but I really miss my best guy friend!!! :\

The trip was just what I needed and this week I have been busy and refocused which is good! Really busy the next two weeks and hopefully heading down south to visit two of my friends I haven't seen in a long time!!! :) Well, I'm gonna get back to watching my Cubbies! Looks like that might win today which they could really use cuz I'm sick of watching them lose!!!

Anyways, things have been up and down hill, but I stand on level ground now, I'm good, but a little sad cuz I'm missing someone so very close to my heart as my best friend and I'm scared I actually lost him. But I hear he's waiting me out cuz he's stubborn like that...I dunno what that means, it's all really confusing! :\