Maybe I did something wrong...

I thought I cleared up matters. I put an end to the confusion between Brian and I...or so I thought! This week we've been pretty chill, one little tif, but that was quickly fixed. One of my professors handed back my quiz and said "I heard you dropped Brian like a stack of hot cakes! You're better off without him!" and walked away! So yeah interesting huh?! That is the same professor that Brian works for as my physics tutor! lol! One second things would be easier if it wasn't so back and forth, but then I'm not sure I'm happy, but I'm not so happy back and forth either. It's confusing and crazy. I'm afraid to make the smallest mistake...I'm holding back, I'm scared, but at the same time it's not so one sided or one way...it's just not. I dunno what to do anymore. One second I try and the next I give up...it's been a crazy roller coaster and I'm not sure that there one clear definite way that i would be happy or him. It's just not simple. Whatever happen to life when it was simple, when life was clean cut, when things we're so messing and confusing....when did we grow up...when did we lose our innocence...I could never trace any of those moments and at times I wish I could. I just do, but I can't, nor ever could nor anyone else. Part of me may always like Brian and miss the things we had, but at the same time I don't miss him. He doesn't understand that nor does anyone else. This guy came home with me tonight...I made him leave...I just didn't want him here...instead the person I wanted here showed up...and I didn't want here for the wrong reasons, but the right ones....and get your head out of the gutter...it's not life that. It never will be...it's just that simple. I dunno why but it is just that way.

Cut.......yeah that was what I wrote drunk last night....since then Brian came over. I think over the past two years we've forgotten why we liked each other. We have forgotten the simple things. So that is where we stand right now. We are friends, good friends...yet we're realizing the simple things once more. Letting the simple things slide. Simple things I mean very simple things, like leaning on each other, holding hands, and kissing. That's it. We drew two lines. One we are friends, but something is going on at times too...and then the second is only simple things. Last night that meant he wasn't allowed to spend the night. He never used to spend the night when we first started dating oh so long ago. It's back to basics for us. A another strong friendship developing knowing at moments we're not just friends and others we just are. But if these feelings keep lingering, then Brian said he knows he made a mistake, but right now he's so back and forth he isn't sure. Some days he is that way, and others he isn't. I had made up my mind things were over this summer...I came back here only to discover they weren't, but I've been trying to suppress them for far too long. What ever is natural we will allow to be natural, but not make the biggest deal out of anything. It's best for our sakes. Now explain that to someone and what that really means, because if you ask me that's pretty tough to do! Anyways, this is the first time I feel genuinely happy! I feel like I know what's going on, no more head games (even though it still kind of is), I'm just not going to worry about it, etc. I'm just not, we left last night on the best of terms. Yeah he hugged me and left me with a kiss, but there was a moment there...not a string but a moment...and that is the difference!!!