If I could just hate you....

If I could just hate you things would be easier. I have so much hostility and contempt for you. Things at the end never made sense. It shouldn't have gone the way it did. I just wish that I would just always hate you and feel just one way about you. But every time I see your face and spend time with you, moments happen. Some times out of old habits, but other times not at all. Yet again this weekend, I'm the only girl without their boyfriend there...but I still would be out without you cuz ur not 21 yet, but then i'd have some one to fall asleep with. That is one of the things I always liked about us. Just the way we feel asleep together. We fit together so perfectly.

Some days I wish I could hate and then things would never be this way. It's funny that the good friends we share have now sided with you. I've been forgotten, but all you can say is i'm sorry I'll talk to them, I'll leave, etc. But I don't feel bad that my friends treat you like crap. I know they do. They told me. They asked me how they should treat you, I never told them to do anything. I said treat him how you want, I don't care. It's true because I know they have my back and our loyal to me! I will miss them very much when we graduate. I wish I could spend a year hating you! Every time I hear this song "Right Here Waiting" by Staind, I cry. Part of it so much applies to everything going on between right now. Other things don't. Things that apply are:
"I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting"

But definitely other parts don't:
"and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break"

You're not independent. I'm the independent one. Recently you're like let's do something and then change your mind. What's with that?! You don't sit here and be like let's do something and then the next minute, you are like no I can't make up my mind or plans for myself. I want to do what my roommate is doing. He'll tell me what to do. Since when don't you think for yourself?! I just don't understand you some days with things like that. You used to know how to make up your mind, and now you don't! You don't know how to at all, and it disappoints me. How can I sit here and have so many bad things to say about you or critisms. Tell myself I should hate you, but in my heart I never could. (not that i would like you again either) But the fact that I just don't hate people, there are only 2 people in the entire world that I absolutely hate with very good cause and reason!

I find it funny that my friends tell me that I should just go up and hit some sense into you. They've seen us back and forth and they don't understand. They talk to me and some of them have known I was over you. I was completely fine. Then you come back and fuck with my head. I don't let people do that, but you have a knack of doing so even when we were dating. No matter how I feel about you at moments...I'm not sure I could ever go through all the heartbreak again. I'm not sure if I'd ever want to. I'm leaving in May and I can't do this the rest of the year. I'm not going to let myself. Some days, I need to hate you for my sake. But at the same time, I could never hate you. You are no Ken to me though. Ken will always have you beat, he is the only guy that will always have a piece of my heart for reason people never really understand being that him and I never even dated. I don't want to think about this right now....

It's Amy's 21st Birthday Today!!!! :) We had an awesome night out last night celebrating it! I'll post about that later with some pictures. We tried not to do let's all get the same shot a bunch of times. I only took pictures at the one bar...The Deep. Each one of us took pictures at one bar for the most part. But it was an awesome night!!! :) Overall, this has been a good weekend! :)