I just don't know anymore...

I really just don't know anymore. My life was hell since the first Saturday of being back at school, so much to the point that things got out of hand that I had to go home. I needed a change of scene! I needed to be somewhere else! Anywhere but here! I went home, I felt a lot better! I came back and I was fine again, happy and all! But no, I'm not happy again, I was fine again until I saw my ex. I wish I never had to see him ever again some days! Unfortunately he's my physics tutor and I need lots of help in physics, so I will needs him to help me all year long! I suppose that sucks for me because I was fine, and now I'm not. It's not the things that were wrong that made me go home, now it' s a new set of things that are wrong. :(

I miss things I shouldn't. I miss having friends. I miss being at home! I had a great time chilling out on Friday with my friends from high school! It was a lot of fun...I wish I had this here! I'm always left out and forgotten about! So much to the point that I feel completely invisible some days! Sadly the only person who then talks to me is my ex....not thrilled with that one. Going back home reminded me why I don't want Brian back at all. I just don't. I couldn't do that again ever. I just couldn't. But being back at school makes me missing having a guy always around. I missing have guys to hang out with and have fun and then to have one special guy, even if you're not dating. But just that one guy who is always there for you! The one you hang out with and have a good time with, one that makes you feel alive for all the right reasons and not the wrong reasons! Someone who you genuinely love being around and makes you feel good about yourself when things get rough. I guess I miss having a "boyfriend" in my life again. I miss falling asleep in someones arms and getting soft kisses good night and good morning. I miss the way a certain guy at the end of summer would pick me up when I came to his door, he'd carry me up the stairs and put me on the couch and start kissing me. I miss that. I miss the way me and him hung out. The way he made me feel. In a sense he helped me put myself back together. Right now it's him back on my mind! I'm sad I didn't end up staying long enough to see him, I should have, but I had enough of being home. Home is quite another story that I don't feel like getting into right now, but yeah. I don't need a guy in my life, it's really nice, and I miss it. I really miss one guy and it's not my ex. To hell with my ex. He can shove it and learn to deal with it as far as I'm concerned!!!! That book in my life is shut and sealed and is to never be opened again. It's just my policy and I think it's a good one.

Schools been crazy! Lots and lots of work! Damn Physics is kicking my ass already and it's only been a week of classes!!! Physics and I just don't get along, never really did, and I don't know why, but we don't! End of story! But it's gonna kick my ass for the year...but I'm trying! Well, I suppose I should get back to my homework! Grr!

I'm pretty sure I'm invisible in my house! No one talks to me or invites me to do anything with them, but they all incite themselves to do things together and exclude me! How very very typical! Oh well!