No More

I don't think think I can take anything else or more going on in my life anymore. I've never felt more in shambles than ever. Total chaos....and I want it to all stop. I can't take it anymore. I'm honestly about ready to drop out of school this semester. I just can't do this anymore. None of it. I've taken about all I can take these past few weeks, and I'm not okay anymore. I'm just not. I don't want to be here anymore. I wish I was any where but here! Anywhere else, even hell would be better than here right now. I've never felt like more of an emotional wreck in my life. To the point where I'm breaking down...yeah me, the girl that people can't breakdown. I'm falling into pieces in every which direction. I don't think I've ever felt worse in my life. Doesn't even matter, any friend I had isn't there anymore. No one is. I wish I could be my old self from a long time ago, the girl who felt nothing. I wish I felt absolutely nothing. No pain, no hurt, no love, no happiness, no sadness, I don't want any of it anymore. I wish I felt nothing like I used to. I'd rather be her than me right now. I want to curl up inside myself and stay there for a good long time. I need things to be different....cuz right now, I can't take this....to the point where I'm forcing myself to go to class...cuz I need to graduate...but I don't want to be there....yet I'm still getting very good grades so far. Worst part is, I can't even escape anywhere in my own house. I share a bedroom with a friend, my desk is in our dining room, it's not like I have anywhere to hide out. Like now I'm in my little corner of the library, but the people who know to find me here, won't be looking for me, they don't care anymore. I continue to keep losing my friends too, to the point where I don't think I have a single one here anymore, except my ex...and that is the worst part of it all. It's him who's my last friend here....that's so wrong! Especially considering people had my backs and what not...traders...abandoned....I'm so sick of all that shit and then all the other stuff going on in my life....I don't want to be here anymore. I don't....I wish I was strong like I used to be..I used to be able to hack away at my own self...somewhere along the lines I've lost myself these past few weeks. I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore...and I used to know myself so well. In the end, I just don't want to be here anymore....anywhere but here and me....

If I could just hate you....

If I could just hate you things would be easier. I have so much hostility and contempt for you. Things at the end never made sense. It shouldn't have gone the way it did. I just wish that I would just always hate you and feel just one way about you. But every time I see your face and spend time with you, moments happen. Some times out of old habits, but other times not at all. Yet again this weekend, I'm the only girl without their boyfriend there...but I still would be out without you cuz ur not 21 yet, but then i'd have some one to fall asleep with. That is one of the things I always liked about us. Just the way we feel asleep together. We fit together so perfectly.

Some days I wish I could hate and then things would never be this way. It's funny that the good friends we share have now sided with you. I've been forgotten, but all you can say is i'm sorry I'll talk to them, I'll leave, etc. But I don't feel bad that my friends treat you like crap. I know they do. They told me. They asked me how they should treat you, I never told them to do anything. I said treat him how you want, I don't care. It's true because I know they have my back and our loyal to me! I will miss them very much when we graduate. I wish I could spend a year hating you! Every time I hear this song "Right Here Waiting" by Staind, I cry. Part of it so much applies to everything going on between right now. Other things don't. Things that apply are:
"I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face
But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting"

But definitely other parts don't:
"and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break"

You're not independent. I'm the independent one. Recently you're like let's do something and then change your mind. What's with that?! You don't sit here and be like let's do something and then the next minute, you are like no I can't make up my mind or plans for myself. I want to do what my roommate is doing. He'll tell me what to do. Since when don't you think for yourself?! I just don't understand you some days with things like that. You used to know how to make up your mind, and now you don't! You don't know how to at all, and it disappoints me. How can I sit here and have so many bad things to say about you or critisms. Tell myself I should hate you, but in my heart I never could. (not that i would like you again either) But the fact that I just don't hate people, there are only 2 people in the entire world that I absolutely hate with very good cause and reason!

I find it funny that my friends tell me that I should just go up and hit some sense into you. They've seen us back and forth and they don't understand. They talk to me and some of them have known I was over you. I was completely fine. Then you come back and fuck with my head. I don't let people do that, but you have a knack of doing so even when we were dating. No matter how I feel about you at moments...I'm not sure I could ever go through all the heartbreak again. I'm not sure if I'd ever want to. I'm leaving in May and I can't do this the rest of the year. I'm not going to let myself. Some days, I need to hate you for my sake. But at the same time, I could never hate you. You are no Ken to me though. Ken will always have you beat, he is the only guy that will always have a piece of my heart for reason people never really understand being that him and I never even dated. I don't want to think about this right now....

It's Amy's 21st Birthday Today!!!! :) We had an awesome night out last night celebrating it! I'll post about that later with some pictures. We tried not to do let's all get the same shot a bunch of times. I only took pictures at the one bar...The Deep. Each one of us took pictures at one bar for the most part. But it was an awesome night!!! :) Overall, this has been a good weekend! :)

Maybe I did something wrong...

I thought I cleared up matters. I put an end to the confusion between Brian and I...or so I thought! This week we've been pretty chill, one little tif, but that was quickly fixed. One of my professors handed back my quiz and said "I heard you dropped Brian like a stack of hot cakes! You're better off without him!" and walked away! So yeah interesting huh?! That is the same professor that Brian works for as my physics tutor! lol! One second things would be easier if it wasn't so back and forth, but then I'm not sure I'm happy, but I'm not so happy back and forth either. It's confusing and crazy. I'm afraid to make the smallest mistake...I'm holding back, I'm scared, but at the same time it's not so one sided or one way...it's just not. I dunno what to do anymore. One second I try and the next I give up...it's been a crazy roller coaster and I'm not sure that there one clear definite way that i would be happy or him. It's just not simple. Whatever happen to life when it was simple, when life was clean cut, when things we're so messing and confusing....when did we grow up...when did we lose our innocence...I could never trace any of those moments and at times I wish I could. I just do, but I can't, nor ever could nor anyone else. Part of me may always like Brian and miss the things we had, but at the same time I don't miss him. He doesn't understand that nor does anyone else. This guy came home with me tonight...I made him leave...I just didn't want him here...instead the person I wanted here showed up...and I didn't want here for the wrong reasons, but the right ones....and get your head out of the gutter...it's not life that. It never will be...it's just that simple. I dunno why but it is just that way.

Cut.......yeah that was what I wrote drunk last night....since then Brian came over. I think over the past two years we've forgotten why we liked each other. We have forgotten the simple things. So that is where we stand right now. We are friends, good friends...yet we're realizing the simple things once more. Letting the simple things slide. Simple things I mean very simple things, like leaning on each other, holding hands, and kissing. That's it. We drew two lines. One we are friends, but something is going on at times too...and then the second is only simple things. Last night that meant he wasn't allowed to spend the night. He never used to spend the night when we first started dating oh so long ago. It's back to basics for us. A another strong friendship developing knowing at moments we're not just friends and others we just are. But if these feelings keep lingering, then Brian said he knows he made a mistake, but right now he's so back and forth he isn't sure. Some days he is that way, and others he isn't. I had made up my mind things were over this summer...I came back here only to discover they weren't, but I've been trying to suppress them for far too long. What ever is natural we will allow to be natural, but not make the biggest deal out of anything. It's best for our sakes. Now explain that to someone and what that really means, because if you ask me that's pretty tough to do! Anyways, this is the first time I feel genuinely happy! I feel like I know what's going on, no more head games (even though it still kind of is), I'm just not going to worry about it, etc. I'm just not, we left last night on the best of terms. Yeah he hugged me and left me with a kiss, but there was a moment there...not a string but a moment...and that is the difference!!!

I just don't know anymore...

I really just don't know anymore. My life was hell since the first Saturday of being back at school, so much to the point that things got out of hand that I had to go home. I needed a change of scene! I needed to be somewhere else! Anywhere but here! I went home, I felt a lot better! I came back and I was fine again, happy and all! But no, I'm not happy again, I was fine again until I saw my ex. I wish I never had to see him ever again some days! Unfortunately he's my physics tutor and I need lots of help in physics, so I will needs him to help me all year long! I suppose that sucks for me because I was fine, and now I'm not. It's not the things that were wrong that made me go home, now it' s a new set of things that are wrong. :(

I miss things I shouldn't. I miss having friends. I miss being at home! I had a great time chilling out on Friday with my friends from high school! It was a lot of fun...I wish I had this here! I'm always left out and forgotten about! So much to the point that I feel completely invisible some days! Sadly the only person who then talks to me is my ex....not thrilled with that one. Going back home reminded me why I don't want Brian back at all. I just don't. I couldn't do that again ever. I just couldn't. But being back at school makes me missing having a guy always around. I missing have guys to hang out with and have fun and then to have one special guy, even if you're not dating. But just that one guy who is always there for you! The one you hang out with and have a good time with, one that makes you feel alive for all the right reasons and not the wrong reasons! Someone who you genuinely love being around and makes you feel good about yourself when things get rough. I guess I miss having a "boyfriend" in my life again. I miss falling asleep in someones arms and getting soft kisses good night and good morning. I miss the way a certain guy at the end of summer would pick me up when I came to his door, he'd carry me up the stairs and put me on the couch and start kissing me. I miss that. I miss the way me and him hung out. The way he made me feel. In a sense he helped me put myself back together. Right now it's him back on my mind! I'm sad I didn't end up staying long enough to see him, I should have, but I had enough of being home. Home is quite another story that I don't feel like getting into right now, but yeah. I don't need a guy in my life, it's really nice, and I miss it. I really miss one guy and it's not my ex. To hell with my ex. He can shove it and learn to deal with it as far as I'm concerned!!!! That book in my life is shut and sealed and is to never be opened again. It's just my policy and I think it's a good one.

Schools been crazy! Lots and lots of work! Damn Physics is kicking my ass already and it's only been a week of classes!!! Physics and I just don't get along, never really did, and I don't know why, but we don't! End of story! But it's gonna kick my ass for the year...but I'm trying! Well, I suppose I should get back to my homework! Grr!

I'm pretty sure I'm invisible in my house! No one talks to me or invites me to do anything with them, but they all incite themselves to do things together and exclude me! How very very typical! Oh well!

Been a crazy roller coaster of a ride since I've been back

Well, when I first came back to school things were awesome! I was having a good time, visiting with everyone, getting settled into our house, etc. My life was great, I was happy, and nothing in the world bothered me. I left a guy at home that I kept finding myself thinking about.

But then, my ex moves in. And this is where the story begins, and I swear this is the short version, so be prepared...

Saturday night I had gone out to the bars with my girl's since it was Rachel's boyfriend's birthday! So I was out with them. My ex had left me a bunch of ims and two phone calls. So when I came back at 2AM I decided to give him a buzz since I knew he was still up from his away message! Anyways, him and I met by Graber and chatted on the new bleachers in front of Rohlman. When we first saw each other, he hugged me, and I just stood there. Stood there like a rock, my arms never left my side, nor did I even think twice about. I was happy, I was over my ex. He was just a friend and that was it. But no, the night carriers on and we get to talking and what not. The next thing I know he ended up coming back to my place and he spent the night at my place. I hadn't planned on that or anything happening, but it did, no not sex you morons who don't know him or me. But other things did...anyways, the next morning we talked about what are we and what are we going to do. Well, to cut to the chase, we decided that we were single, friends, who were more than friends, but had yet to define anything...we were to tread lightly. We went on a date on Sunday. We saw The World Trade Center which I was honestly disappointed in the film. It was okay, but I think I had a bit higher hopes. Definately, thought that United 93 was much better done. Anyways, then after the movie we went grocery shopping and then he made me dinner. It was first that Brian had made me dinner. He insisted on the fact that I wasn't allowed to help. He had never made me dinner single handedly, it's always been either just me cooking, or me with his help. It was nice of him. We were having a good time joking around, the lines were severly blurred. Then all his roommates come home and it got weird because we said we wouldn't do anything in front of people. But then, he breaks that one...during the movie he put his arm around me, and pulled me to rest my head on him. As well, he would poke me and kiss me on the head and it was like we were dating. No wonder why people are like what is going on with you two. Somewhere along the lines I did start liking him again, but I knew I shouldn't and that I didn't want to walk down that path again. I just didn't. I have my reasons why not to...