Tired and Sore....and Secrets...

Today was a busy day for me. Woke up around 10ish. Ran a little over 2 miles, did a little free weight lifting/workout. Feels good to be active again. School just has a habit of getting into my way. It's so weird not being physically active doing things on a daily basis! Right now, I feel lazy if I don't work out every day or something equivalent to a workout! Then this afternoon, got in some quality sand volleyball! Started off 2v2, which means lots of running, diving, rallies, and the like because we're all good players and know how to find the holes in the court. So that was fun running around like crazy mid-day! At least it wasn't humid or killer hot! Was actually wonderful weather to be playing some hardcore sand volleyball in! Then Miguel finally showed up, about 40 minutes late! Geez, he's never on time! lol! So then it was 2v3. It was just Joey and me vs. Michael, Wilson, and Miguel! So that made it harder on us to find the holes in the court! But I had fun running around and what not! We faired out pretty well for being two on three! We won a majority of the games! :) Paul decided to show up for the last game and made is 3v3! So that was fun, but too bad he showed up so late! By then we were all dead from playing a little over 2.5 hrs. Ended up playing about three hours today! I love playing sand volleyball with that group because they are competitive and good! :)

Exciting day huh?! Came home from volleyball and showered all the sand off me! Started working on dinner after that! I make awesome dinners! If you didn't know that, you should swindle me into cooking you dinner some time! Trust me, you won't be disappointed! Made shish kebabs and rice! Yum! One of my favorite summer meals! Afterwards, did some flight hunting online for my Dad so he can go on his little hunting trip to New Mexico. Watched some tv, chatted online, read some articles, played some games, etc...My usual stuff! Spent the rest of the night over at Paul's just hanging out! Watched Sin City and chatted about whatever! Odd, I never spend time at his house, but he invited me over for the night! He normally lives at my house! But he wanted me to come over there tonight for whatever reason! Nice to see him and his family! I don't often see his parents, but lately I have been since I've been spending more time over there in the last month, swimming and chillin' at his place! Been a good summer so far!

I find it fairly ironic that typically I have plans Monday through Thursday night, but then I do nothing on Fridays, and rarely do things on Saturdays! Sunday is officially my lazy day, well I still go running at night! I think that's my new thing, going out on like midnight runs! It's cooler out and dark! Spooky eh?! lol! Not really, just most of the time I can't sleep and running sounds good to me! Odd I know because I've never been a huge fan of running despite me playing sports! I'll get back into swimming when the school year starts since I'll have easy access to a pool again! I miss swimming laps! Looks like I can get morning swims in this next semester! I'm actually really looking forward to school starting up right now! Not really for classes, but as much as I say Dubuque sucks, which it does, but I really miss my friends! I really miss having people around who drop by my house or call my cell and are like hey let's go do this in an hour or something! I miss having people around who enjoy being spontaneous and aren't lame! People who actually like to go out and do things! It's fun just to get 3 or 4 people together and play a little basketball, softball, volleyball, frisbee, etc. I miss doing that! So I can't wait for us all to hang out and have a good time again! I'll actually be able to make ultimate frisbee for once again! :)

At the same time, things are going to be really different too. But a good different! I feel different. I enjoy going out and having good times and not having a boyfriend hold me back! I always seem to date more of the "jealous" type of guys! The ones who don't like me hanging out with my guy friends, mind you most of my friends are guys! Somehow Joe and me are back to talking again. Had a nice conversation with him a few days ago. His gf and him are going through some rough times. He's graduating in December and his gf is only going to be a junior and he hasn't a clue what he's doing. It's causing problems in their relationship right now, so I gave him some advice! He was shocked to hear about Brian and me. I still don't know why people still can't believe it! A lot of people are like you two are going to get back together! Most people really thought if there was one couple who would always be together, most of them would tell you Brian and Nicole! But honestly, no way or ever again! Not unless he learns to grow up and just have fun in the moment and not worry so much about what's going to happen in five years or finding the perfect girl. His obsessions and thinking too much in the future doomed us from the beginning! Sometimes I don't understand how we dated for so long! It was too comfortable, I dunno if that makes sense to you, but it does to me! I honestly don't miss him! He's not my perfect guy at all. He is a great guy, but not mine, nor ever again. I have so many complaints, but I'm not going to list them all, but there's a lot! It's all those reasons that explain why I would never get back together with him ever! Looking back, there isn't a single one of my ex's that I would ever date again! I just don't date people a second time. Well, I have tried that date someone again deal with two different of my ex's, but both times it just wasn't good! The first time was with my first real boyfriend, and it worked for another six or seven months, but it just fizzled out. The second guy we were on and off for several months, just complete chaos and disaster, something I'd rather not talk about. Definitely was a time I'm not so proud about.

I realized how many secrets I have. I'm never open with people. Even my best friend doesn't know me that well! She's known me since 2nd grade, but she hasn't a clue I raised myself. I can guarantee you that! She doesn't know that my mom left for awhile on multiple occasions, same thing with my dad. But she hasn't a clue nor does anyone else! But I remember, I remember it all! It was really hard! That's why I'm so quiet and not open! I had to hide things for as long as I can remember! I made up white lies all the time about where my parents were at the time. Oh they are on vacation, gone on business, visiting a family member who's sick, conferences, etc. It took a toll on me carrying so much weight as a young child. I learned really young how to do everything. I learned housework, cooking, responsibility, parenting, etc. at a very young age. I guess that's why I've been so mature! I had to grow up too soon and too quickly, and I feel like I did miss out on my childhood some times! I had my brother to take care of, he's three years younger than me! My mom left for a couple of years, I wasn't even 10 at the time. I taught my brother a lot. I made him smart. School was always important to me and I took care of him the best I knew how. I guess it's scary to think about how strong and innocent I once was. Some days, I wonder where my strength went. I know it's in me, but since I went to college, I think I lost it somewhere along the way. I dunno how, but I don't feel like I'm as strong as I used to be. I actually cry now. There was a time where I honestly had no emotions. I was empty and felt like a zombie. I felt numb all the time. Almost all of me was missing. I don't know how I started to feel again, but along the way somehow I did. I had to relearn how to feel anything, how to cry, how to laugh, how to smile, everything! I lost it all. I still know why, but will never tell a soul why. My life of secrets. That's only the beginning...

I've never wanted people to feel sorry for me. I guess that's why I always hide the truth. I never cared what people thought of me. I still don't. I still hide everything away. Keep everything inside. But now I feel emotions. I actually cry, more than I should, which is why I wonder where my strength went. I never used to let a soul see me cry. Since then a lot more people have seen me cry....I can't even begin to explain why, but that's why I don't feel as strong as I used! I've always been extremely independent. Something I've always been told is intimidating. Almost every guy I've dated has realized that I don't need them and they know it. Something that always scared them. I've never needed a guy, I've always known how to stand on my own two feet. Maybe that's what love is. Someone who makes me weak at the knees to the point where I can't stand on my own two feet without them. Maybe that's crazy! I'm not really sure that I've ever really loved one of my boyfriends. Maybe Brian, but I'm really not sure, nor do I really think I loved him. I really liked him, but love...I don't think so. I know I've been loved, but I don't feel like I've recipatated those feelings back towards any of my boyfriends. I kinda laugh (in a good way) looking at my boyfriends and then the list of guys I've kissed. People would be really surprised about some of the people I've dated and even more so of the guys I've kissed. Almost every guy that has kissed me has asked me out, funny how most of them I haven't dated. I'm picky, but sometimes you just know what would be the point!

Part of the reaon I'm so picky is that I don't let people get close to me. I just don't! It's sad that I'm more honest with my buddy matt than I've been with anyone else. I've never even met the guy, but I've never lied to him. I've never had to. Maybe that's why I find it hard to see my friends from high school again. I'm not the girl they knew then. I'm more open and I'm different. But when I'm around most of them, I feel like I'm back to my high school self, and not in a good way. I don't feel like that though when I hang out with anyone of them like one on one! It's just they all have a certain perception of me. It's hard to change people's minds about you. I'm not the same girl I was in high school. I've grown and learned a lot about myself and the world I live in. But I feel like that is just part of growing up! I come home and I really don't wonder why I don't have friends back at home anymore! Truth is, I've never been good at keeping friends. I push them all away! I always have! It's my defense! I don't let people get close to me. For all the reasons in above paragraphs! Maybe because I'm scared to let people see me naked, without all my defensive walls up and completely vulnerable for the first time! I think it's been my secret life that has always held me back! I've always known it, but never able to let go of it. It's part of who I am, something I can never escape.

Maybe that's why I've enjoyed my newer college friends lately! I feel more vulnerable with them! I don't have all my guards up! Like this last semester, Sam, Bridget and I would take turns cooking for our guy friends: Beau, Chris, and Brian. Tuesday night dinners! Every time I cooked they always asked where I learned to cook. For the first time in my life I didn't give my usual white lie, beat around the bush, for the first time I told them no one. I learned on my own because I had to. I learned to cook when I was young because my parents weren't around. The truth, vaguely, but the truth for once. Maybe that's why I don't feel so strong as I used to be. I think I've let go of some of my defenses, and that has changed me! I feel more like the girl I know I am. The girl I've always been in private! For the first time in a long time, I feel really like myself! But I don't as much like myself when I know I'm with people who have a certain perception of me, it's hard to explain why. I've changed, but I'm pretty positive not many of them have gotten to know who I've evolved into. I guess that's life. So my life will always be a secret to some degree, but for the first time, I don't have to hide it like I used to. Maybe it's easier not to when I'm at college because these people didn't grow up with me, they've never been to my house, met my parents, shared similar times with me, etc. I still find it funny that my best friend and I are close. She's always been more open with me than anyone else. But her and I are best friends, but I've never wanted to tell her about my secret life. I feel better that people not know. Maybe it's because I grew up and people said they wanted my life. I've always been highly respected and liked by most people, I guess part of me always feared of disappointing those people who looked up to me. I feel like I never told the truth about those sorts of things when I was younger because I had an image to live up to. Now, I only have my own image to live up that is created by me. Maybe that's easier now because I don't have my best friend with me all the time. I know that sounds terrible, but you'd think after all this time she's know, truth is she never has, nor will she ever! It's just better that way. It's better for people not to know because I've never wanted their sympathy or for anyone to ever feel sorry for me! That's not who I am.