Stuff

Well I'm going on vaction for a week! YEAH! Off to one of our properties in Pennsylvania that I loved growing up, but I have been too busy to go in the last 5 years or so now! So i'm excited to go fishing, intertubing, swimming, shooting, camp fire stuff, etc! I really liked our place along the river! So no updates until I get back, we up in the middle of no where, no internet, recently got tv, but otherwise it's always been well water and electricity, so it's not like we're roughing it really. Just a nice relaxing place to go and hang out. Too bad none of my friends could tag along cuz they are too busy in Iowa, oh well!

I guess I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. I'm looking forward to school beginning again in a little over a month. Summer seemed to have flown by quickly. Still much to do! Looking forward going back to dbq in three weeks and then the following week I get Iowa visitors! Sweet! Going to a Cubs game, museums, and other Chicago attractions! I guess as the same time I see the line being draw between my friends and me. Especially those that are living with my ex, more specifically balk. He told me if he had to choose, he'd choose me reguardless of the fact that him and tlach are sharing a room. That comment shocked me at the time. But thinking about it now, I guess only time can tell with him. A lot of our friends don't know we broke up and write me emails asking how brian is on the farm and what not. I usually mention he's good (since we are emailing each other), but that we broke up. Then I get the infamous question why? Of course I'm not going to tell them every single detail, I simply state people grow apart and head in different directions, which is very true. I just can't see myself with him ever again.
I had a dream about that last night, but with several other familar faces of my past. The dream was so familar to woke me up and kinda shocked me and made me think twice. Brian was in it, but I pretty much told him off like I've been doing. He kept being persistant though, but persistance does not pay off in my book. Anyways, in my dream I ended up hurting him even more telling him I'm not the girl he thought I was. I've made decisions that he would be appalled about, but the truth is, I don't give a damn what he thinks, but in the same token, I'm not gonna tell him anything either. It's none of his business, nor do I care to please him. I only know how to please myself.

Anyways the rest of the dream was a series of past boyfriends or guys I was practically seeing all showing up again along with my current ones. It was odd and eerie. There was something so familar about each one of them. Looking back on it, each guy I've dated is like a memory in and of itself. A memory of who I was then, what they meant to me then, and stages of my life. The funny part is, even in my dream I didn't regret anything with anyone. But in real life, looking back on it, I think i do regret not clearing up issues with me and one of my boyfriends. I gave up on that relationship and I gave up on trying to tell the truth because he didn't believe me. I let him believe whatever he wanted. I asked him what he wanted to hear and he told me exactly what he wanted to hear, so I pretty much spit that right back out. I told him the lies he wanted to hear were true, but it doesn't matter! Things are what they are. But there was still the one thing I'll always regret in my life about a certain guy, it's been four year since then, but I still can't find the words to say anything. He was too scared to make a move and I don't make the first move, I guess my flaw of being old fashioned. He finally told me how he felt all too late. The next week, I handed him everything I had ever written about him. He was astonished to know how old some of my writings were and to learn that him and me had the same feelings for each other all this time. Maybe that was my great mistake in this life. I'll never know. It's hard to say that yeah we would have been together the rest of high school and college, I just couldn't see that happening. So maybe it's a regret worth happening! I dunno. Somehow though, I've never lost the feeling for him. If there was one person who has always had a part of my heart, it's him; still even today, it's him. I guess some people are hard to escape in life. They impact your life without being aware of it. He is one of those people who has and he doesn't really know it. Him and I are on and off talkers still, it's okay. Yeah I saw him recently about a month ago, but it's not the same, especially cuz I won't be seeing him any time soon. It's hard to know how perfect we are for each other but the timing isn't there. That happens.

I know sidetracked from my dream....maybe it's just hard to write it down. It's perfectly clear in my hear, but getting out on "paper" is the tough part right now. Maybe it's the names and people of the past and present, maybe it's something better kept to myself. We know me and my secrets. What's one more in the game of life?