Rethinking...

I was rereading one of my posts [Busy Bee] from a few days ago. I think, I can't make up my mind about the second half of the post. I realized, WOW, I'm an idiot for saying some of those things, even though I felt like that then. But at the same time, I'm glad I said them. I think I unwisely choose the word "faking." I mean, if I hated "faking" it so much, I never would have bothered in the first place. But the problem is in the same token, I'm not interested. So then what is that?! I dunno either. I honestly enjoy hanging out with him and our bit of flirting. By the end of the night we're both drunk. It's then that I feel the weakest. I have the urge to kiss him, but not a why. Hopefully that makes sense to you. I can't explain why when you put the two of us, single and alone, our history speaks for itself. It's weird. Anyways, I think it's been on my mind lately for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. By the end of the night, we have our no strings attached deal, which works perfect for several reasons for both of us. I had considered breaking that deal though by completely saying no. But I've reconsidered after rethinking things over since then. I dunno, maybe I'm just thinking too much about certain things. It's just when I was with my ex, there were true feelings, love, want, desire, etc. were all there. The only thing stopping us was his dedication to his faith, which I completely respected plus I was a tad bit insecure due to inexperience, which is natural. So it worked. But with my current arrangement, the feelings are lacking, which is why I unfairly used "faking". It's not that I'm faking the whole thing, but I think I need to fake some feelings in there just a bit, to make it less awkward at times for my sake. Last time, I was very drunk and let my mouth run a little too much, oops, that happens! But what I said was the truth, no harm no foul. Yeah what goes on can be fun, with a little more time/experience on my part. But I think the lack of experience really gets to me, makes me insecure which is a really tough thing to do to me normally, and in the same token which is what holds be back too! It's just my ex and I had our own dirty secrets, fantasy, likes, etc., the normal things that are there when you're with someone. But I don't have that in this situation, which is why I say faking it too and which also makes me more reserved. People who have known me for awhile have a certain perception of me, but they don't really know me, and maybe that's the problem. In addition, I don't know him that well; I mean, I do, but I don't. It's just not the same this time around in terms of the feelings and I guess that's where I struggle. Maybe it's me who wants some feelings there, to have it mean something but then that would just make everything a mess in our current deal, but I'm not sure I could even find real feelings in myself anyways. I guess it was arrogant/ignorant of me to say I never even considered him, nor would I ever, and I played things off when he asked me out in high school. I've grown a lot since I was in high school, that was four years ago! I just didn't consider him then or even think about it twice at the time because anyone who knows me knows that I was head over heels for Ken! I had been since the day I met him, which was the first day of junior year of high school, tenth period, Ms. Bannon's expository writing course! :) He sat behind me and the guy who sat in front of me was annoying me! Before I knew it, I was turning around talking to the guy behind me which I quickly fell for and learned so much about! I adored him, but was too shy to ever tell him how I felt! :( Stupid me! Even now, I haven't even thought twice about my current deal. I haven't even thought about consideration of him that way mostly because I don't want to. I'm perfectly fine with the way things are now. I honestly don't know him as well as I used to, but spending time with him I'm getting some insight as to what he has been up to. He's grown up too and changed! I really do think he's a great guy. But I'm enjoying being single. I like going out on dates, having myself back--a litte more flirtatious me which people haven't seen in awhile--, going out and not having to feel any bit of guilt that I'm out with the guys, etc. Is it bad that I want to be single? It's not that I'm not opened to a relationship, I guess if someone really wanted to pursue a true relationship with me, it would take a lot more effort than a guy would be willing. I mean, I guess he'd really have to show me he cared about me and wanted to be in a real true committed relationship. I'm old fashioned in the dating department, so the guy would have to pursue me as always and not the other way around. In the past, this has always made me "hard to get" as the guys have told me. Because I really don't let ya know how I feel, well maybe if you get me wasted enough and badger me on the subject enough too, but even then chances are I wouldn't tell you the truth. It's just not who I am. If a guy wanted to be in a relationship with me, I guess he'd really have to bring his feelings to the table, which really means that that isn't gonna happen. It's like my considerations of boyfriends window is currently closed, but could be reopened upon a moments notice if true interest was presented. Hopefully that makes sense! I've never been the girl who's looking for a boyfriend. Somehow they find me, they ask me out, they make the first move! But once you get me in a relationship, I'm not so old-fashioned anymore! I think that surprises people to hear I'm so old fashioned about the first things in relationships! I guess I'm the girl who makes fun of other girls for always chasing the boys. I could never be that girl I make fun of, it makes me laugh thinking about me chasing a boy. I may like a boy, but that doesn't mean I pursue it or let anyone in on my secret! Chances are you don't know who I like at the time, now and in the past. But at the same time, I want to be single. Some of my friends are like say yes to the guy that asked you out! Guess what, I said no! It was only a week and half after Brian and I broke up! It's like wow, let me breathe! That's what I needed to do for myself! So I have been, and yeah I miss the little things about having a boyfriend, but not as much as a I did at first! I probably will more when I go back to school, but we'll see! I'm just in no rush! I'm picky anyways. But next time around, I'm gonna be more opened minded. This next guy, he doesn't have to be perfect. He just has to understand the current situation: one more year at college and then three straight years of grad school probably around home somewhere! It's that simple! That was one of the biggest problems I had with Brian. No guy is going to stop me from pursuing my dream. No matter what, I'm going to grad school where I want to, not where it's convient for them! I'm sorry, but no matter what happens in my life, I would never be as happy, and I couldn't live that way for one second! I just know how to be me, no offense to the guy or anything! Somehow I could see that becoming a problem if I were to choose differently because of the guy, I would forever regret it! Having a boyfriend isn't on my mind right now, I just need to get things done around here before school starts up! Traveling back to Dubuque in a week! YEAH! :) I'm excited! Strawberry Pancakes with Sam! :) I miss her! Also means, my research is about halfway done since I'm going until the end of September! I guess overall, I need to stop over thinking things....it's what I always do! Maybe I'm just the girl who looks for a deeper meaning because she hates the fakeness! Or did I just become the very thing I hate? Did I become a fake person with my arrangement?! i really don't think so. Next time I see him, I'll be different. In the future things will be different, for the better! :)