Well, here's all of the two pictures I took at my fun night out with the girls! When I get their pictures, I'll add them or you could probably just check out facebook! Enjoy!
posted by Lost_Lily @ 3:12 PM
0 comments
Well, I'm back home in the burbs now! :( I miss Dubuque! I had such an awesome week there! Did lots of fun things with my younger than 21 friends! Played frisbee, basketball, watched movies, saw clerks 2, went on fun trips, drank, played cards, etc. I had a blast hanging with Brita and Balk! Then Friday night, I hung out with my girls! Finally got to see Katy again(she's been in South Africa all last semester)! So Rachel, Amy, Katy, and me went out to this thing for Amy and then out to dinner and drinks at Applebee's. Then we started our mini bar crawl, which wasn't planned, but happened anyways! First went to Bartini's, which has an awesome laid back, bit of a mature atmosphere! It was nice, sat back and had a few drinks on the comfy leather couches there waiting for Jackie to get off work to join us! Then we headed across the street to the Julien, which had karaokee that night! So that was amusing! Went in for shots something cherry because of our shocking conversations at dinner, pretty much we're like the girls from sex and the city when it's just the girls out! lol! So yeah, had cherry cheesecake shots! Yummy! They were so good! Did shots there because they are cheaper there than where we were or Lot 1. So then we headed down to Lot 1, which is only a block away! Went there, ran into people that Jackie didn't want to run into, but oh well! So we hung out there for awhile had more drinks there! Hung out and had a good time, but then that group of guys were annoying Jackie, so we headed back to the Julien to be amused by Karaokee! Had drinks there, had fun watching the people singing, chilled out! But that group of guys followed us back and decided to start talking to us. This one guy just wouldn't leave me alone! He bought me a couple of drinks, but was super annoying! At first, he was fun to chat with, but then he was just insulting Jackie because she used to date one of his good friends! Then he started to insult Rachel and Amy, while I stood up for them! Grr, that guy was annoying! So we quickly finished out drinks, chugged the rest of Amy's screwdriver for her because she couldn't finish it! Bounced out of the Julien and headed over to Bricktown! Had drinks there and danced on the dance floor! So it was awesome chilling out! Rachel's boyfriend was there with his friends, which was fine because we knew they were there! Well the annoying boy and his friends followed us over to Bricktown! So yeah, but at least we had a different group of guys some of us knew there! So they were there to keep us away from the annoying group! Had fun there for a long time! Then we headed East! (For all of you who don't know what "heading East means", we headed into Illinois over the bridge to East Dubuque, Illinois!) by Katy's sober friend, Scott, who picked us up! In East we went to the Coliseum, The Otherside, and another bar which I can't remember the name of right now! Had fun there! These two guys bought us a bunch of shots at The Otherside! They were yummy, they tasted like Kool-Aid! Had other drink and stuff there, the bar tender was hitting on Jackie so we got free drinks and shots there! Apparently, they had been there just a week and half ago for Jackie's b-day and he did the same thing then! So it was fun! Were there until about close and the guys that bought us drinks and shots wanted us to come out with them! Jackie and Amy wanted to go to the titty bar with those guys! Katy, Rachel, and me were like yeah, umm..NO! Well, we waited about 5-10 minutes for them to come out! Sat outside and chatted with the two guys for a bit, who gave us all roses! Got going because we were then all starving! You know how it goes, drinking all night and by the end of the night you're starving! So we went over to Mulgrew's! They are known for their chili cheese dogs! But I don't like them, so I just had a plain hot dog! Really hit the spot that night! Hung out there! A group of guys were there! Ended up chatting with the guy next to me at the counter! He was pretty cool! He was from Galena! Bonded over the whole Illinois thing because we were chatting about things Iowans just don't get! Had a good time there! Headed back finally to Amy, Rachel, and Jackie's place! Crashed the night there on their couch! Sorry to any of you who got any drunk text messages from me! opps, I do that when I'm drunk! I'm not a drunk dialer, I'm a drunk text-er! lol! So be amused if you got a text message, which probably didn't make any sense! It was an awesome very drunk and wasted night! Overall had one of our best nights out! Definitely we were all drunk off our ass that night, but it was amazing! Unforunately, I didn't take too many pictures, but Rachel and Jackie did! So I'll add them to my post when I get them from them!
Well, the next morning I had to drive the three hours home! I wasn't hung over, just really tired and out of it! Needless to say, I came home, sorta unpacked and then laid in bed for a bit! I pretty much passed out at like 7 PM and slept the next 16 hours straight! Apparently my parents ordered me a nice prime rib dinner from Outback, but I never woke up to eat it! :( Oh well, it's in the fridge for me to eat tonight for dinner! YUM! Well, now I'm well rested from my night of fun and am ready to get stuff done! Sending my brother back to school, so I better get in the shower to help my mom run errands!
I Miss DUBUQUE FUN!!! Can't wait for August 24, the day I get to move into my house! :) Excited for school to start especially because Amy, Jackie, Rachel, Margo, Katy, and me will all be able to get into bars! Amy has an awesome fake! But she's the last of us to turn 21!! At least it's like three weeks into the school year! So be mid September, we'll all be 21! Watch out for us! :)
posted by Lost_Lily @ 11:12 AM
0 comments
So yesterday I was sitting in the science hall inputing all my data! My damn zero key broke! It kept getting stuck, and then it popped off for good! So now my lap top has no zero key! Unforuntately, my zero key is current crucial because I was logging in my research stuff. Each tardigrade has a specific coding on it to tell me all this information about it, or what I will learn about it as well. But it's like 000001, well when I try to put that in the computer I either got no zeros, one zeros, or a long line of zeros. Needless to say inputing up to bumber 000207 was highly annoying yesteday! I miss my old lap top! At my school we get new ones every two years, unless you're like me and this is my third computer because I know the right people! Stupid IBM Think Pads! I'm not the biggest fan of them, they are alright for what I need, just the keys on the see to break easily, which is a pain in the butt to get fixed because they take my computer for like a week and probably the dumbasses in the IT department will reimage it too because their philosphy is if we reimage your computer it will magically be okay again, no matter the problem! In my case, just replace the damn keyboard and do not even think about reimaging it!
Well, last night was fun! Hanging out with Balk and Brita! Watched Rescue Me as planned! Flipped through the channels, played some Super Nintendo: Paper Boy and Mario Kart!!! Made a fun trip to Walmart to attempt to find Clerks, which they didn't have! And of course nothing else is open in Dubuque because it was well after midnight! Lucky for us we went to go get Natural Born Killers from the Viz and other people were there and lucky for us one of the guys had Clerks! So we borrowed that and watched that! Then around 3:33, because I'm not even going to deal with my zero key! lol! I went over to Sam's house! Nice to see her because I haven't in awhile!
I think I'm ready to wrap it up in the science hall now, so yeah! Plans for today....I dunno...going to see Clerks 2 some time this afternoon! Catch ya later~
posted by Lost_Lily @ 12:16 PM
0 comments
Well, I'm in Dubuque as of yesterday afternoon! Brita and I went out to a yummy dinner at Olive Garden only to find out that they got rid of my favorite dish! Made me sad, so I tried one of their newer dishes! It was okay! Doesn't even compare to my old dish! Oh well! Spent the rest of the night hanging out, playing with the bunny, and visiting the newest Hy-vee!
Today, made sugar-free cinnamon rolls for breakfast for Brita and me. Then I went collecting half my samples! Returned to the Science hall where I currently am now. Just imputing data mostly because I haven't officially logged anything electronically since I started my research in May. I've kept written copies so far, so I decided it's really hot and I don't want to go collecting again until the evening hours, so I'm just chilling at the science hall in the AC! Profs were getting rid of books again. So I flipped through the stack and picked up 4 books. Two on Invertebrates because they contain a little info on my tardigrades, the one book I actually had sat aside because it was one of Czar's books I was using, so I took it back! lol! The other two are The Economy of Nature and Evolution and the Myth of Creationism. Those two aren't too old of books, published in the 1990s and seemed intriguing when I flipped through them; me and my inquisitive mind! Well, not too much going on! Tonight I'm going to hang out with Balk and Brita, watch Rescue Me, and then who knows what else! Tomorrow is my free day mostly, going to be spending it with another group of friends! The only thing I have to do tomorrow is sign up for Eagleson's class since I ran into him today and he noticed I hadn't signed up for it yet! Told him I would, I just haven't made my way over to Keane Hall to go add another class! So now I'll be taking another semester of 18 credits, but I have no class on Tuesday! I'm psyched! First time ever not have class one day a week! Anyways, I'm excited to be back in Dubuque! :)
posted by Lost_Lily @ 2:45 PM
0 comments
I hate these damn things! I just killed one of them in my basement while I was waiting for my laundry to wash! This things make me cringe just a bit. I'm not scared of insects, but these things just give me an uneasy feeling just a bit. They are so hard to kill too! It's like they haven't evolved which creeps me out too! If you're wondering what they are, they are house centipeds, Scutigera coleoptrata.
Well, in other news, I'm off to Dubuque tomorrow morning! But before I leave I need to pack and wash my car! Well, Monday I'm staying with Brita. We're going out to dinner, watching anime, playing with Bambi (that's her bunny), and hanging out! Maybe I'll get her drunk again! That was fun last time, watching anime and drinking! Although she had a little too much to drink last time! lol! The rest of the week I'll be spending over at Sam's and maybe one night elsewhere, either Balk's or Rachel's. I always have places to stay when I'm there! Well, one more month and I get to move into our house, dubbed The Power House. Ugh, not my choice of houses, but whatever! It's your typical crappy college house that has been partied in way too much! But oh well, it's cheaper than living off campus completely! Right smack dab on the damn hill though, oh well! It's near the top, but it's gonna be interesting come parking in winter with the snow and ice! Dbq doesn't do a good job of preparing and taking care of the roads with winter storms compared to being at home in the suburbs. Oh well! It's gonna be awesome senior year! I'm really looking forward to it! :) Well, time to go fiddle with the laundry...
posted by Lost_Lily @ 1:48 AM
0 comments
Today was a busy day for me. Woke up around 10ish. Ran a little over 2 miles, did a little free weight lifting/workout. Feels good to be active again. School just has a habit of getting into my way. It's so weird not being physically active doing things on a daily basis! Right now, I feel lazy if I don't work out every day or something equivalent to a workout! Then this afternoon, got in some quality sand volleyball! Started off 2v2, which means lots of running, diving, rallies, and the like because we're all good players and know how to find the holes in the court. So that was fun running around like crazy mid-day! At least it wasn't humid or killer hot! Was actually wonderful weather to be playing some hardcore sand volleyball in! Then Miguel finally showed up, about 40 minutes late! Geez, he's never on time! lol! So then it was 2v3. It was just Joey and me vs. Michael, Wilson, and Miguel! So that made it harder on us to find the holes in the court! But I had fun running around and what not! We faired out pretty well for being two on three! We won a majority of the games! :) Paul decided to show up for the last game and made is 3v3! So that was fun, but too bad he showed up so late! By then we were all dead from playing a little over 2.5 hrs. Ended up playing about three hours today! I love playing sand volleyball with that group because they are competitive and good! :)
Exciting day huh?! Came home from volleyball and showered all the sand off me! Started working on dinner after that! I make awesome dinners! If you didn't know that, you should swindle me into cooking you dinner some time! Trust me, you won't be disappointed! Made shish kebabs and rice! Yum! One of my favorite summer meals! Afterwards, did some flight hunting online for my Dad so he can go on his little hunting trip to New Mexico. Watched some tv, chatted online, read some articles, played some games, etc...My usual stuff! Spent the rest of the night over at Paul's just hanging out! Watched Sin City and chatted about whatever! Odd, I never spend time at his house, but he invited me over for the night! He normally lives at my house! But he wanted me to come over there tonight for whatever reason! Nice to see him and his family! I don't often see his parents, but lately I have been since I've been spending more time over there in the last month, swimming and chillin' at his place! Been a good summer so far!
I find it fairly ironic that typically I have plans Monday through Thursday night, but then I do nothing on Fridays, and rarely do things on Saturdays! Sunday is officially my lazy day, well I still go running at night! I think that's my new thing, going out on like midnight runs! It's cooler out and dark! Spooky eh?! lol! Not really, just most of the time I can't sleep and running sounds good to me! Odd I know because I've never been a huge fan of running despite me playing sports! I'll get back into swimming when the school year starts since I'll have easy access to a pool again! I miss swimming laps! Looks like I can get morning swims in this next semester! I'm actually really looking forward to school starting up right now! Not really for classes, but as much as I say Dubuque sucks, which it does, but I really miss my friends! I really miss having people around who drop by my house or call my cell and are like hey let's go do this in an hour or something! I miss having people around who enjoy being spontaneous and aren't lame! People who actually like to go out and do things! It's fun just to get 3 or 4 people together and play a little basketball, softball, volleyball, frisbee, etc. I miss doing that! So I can't wait for us all to hang out and have a good time again! I'll actually be able to make ultimate frisbee for once again! :)
At the same time, things are going to be really different too. But a good different! I feel different. I enjoy going out and having good times and not having a boyfriend hold me back! I always seem to date more of the "jealous" type of guys! The ones who don't like me hanging out with my guy friends, mind you most of my friends are guys! Somehow Joe and me are back to talking again. Had a nice conversation with him a few days ago. His gf and him are going through some rough times. He's graduating in December and his gf is only going to be a junior and he hasn't a clue what he's doing. It's causing problems in their relationship right now, so I gave him some advice! He was shocked to hear about Brian and me. I still don't know why people still can't believe it! A lot of people are like you two are going to get back together! Most people really thought if there was one couple who would always be together, most of them would tell you Brian and Nicole! But honestly, no way or ever again! Not unless he learns to grow up and just have fun in the moment and not worry so much about what's going to happen in five years or finding the perfect girl. His obsessions and thinking too much in the future doomed us from the beginning! Sometimes I don't understand how we dated for so long! It was too comfortable, I dunno if that makes sense to you, but it does to me! I honestly don't miss him! He's not my perfect guy at all. He is a great guy, but not mine, nor ever again. I have so many complaints, but I'm not going to list them all, but there's a lot! It's all those reasons that explain why I would never get back together with him ever! Looking back, there isn't a single one of my ex's that I would ever date again! I just don't date people a second time. Well, I have tried that date someone again deal with two different of my ex's, but both times it just wasn't good! The first time was with my first real boyfriend, and it worked for another six or seven months, but it just fizzled out. The second guy we were on and off for several months, just complete chaos and disaster, something I'd rather not talk about. Definitely was a time I'm not so proud about.
I realized how many secrets I have. I'm never open with people. Even my best friend doesn't know me that well! She's known me since 2nd grade, but she hasn't a clue I raised myself. I can guarantee you that! She doesn't know that my mom left for awhile on multiple occasions, same thing with my dad. But she hasn't a clue nor does anyone else! But I remember, I remember it all! It was really hard! That's why I'm so quiet and not open! I had to hide things for as long as I can remember! I made up white lies all the time about where my parents were at the time. Oh they are on vacation, gone on business, visiting a family member who's sick, conferences, etc. It took a toll on me carrying so much weight as a young child. I learned really young how to do everything. I learned housework, cooking, responsibility, parenting, etc. at a very young age. I guess that's why I've been so mature! I had to grow up too soon and too quickly, and I feel like I did miss out on my childhood some times! I had my brother to take care of, he's three years younger than me! My mom left for a couple of years, I wasn't even 10 at the time. I taught my brother a lot. I made him smart. School was always important to me and I took care of him the best I knew how. I guess it's scary to think about how strong and innocent I once was. Some days, I wonder where my strength went. I know it's in me, but since I went to college, I think I lost it somewhere along the way. I dunno how, but I don't feel like I'm as strong as I used to be. I actually cry now. There was a time where I honestly had no emotions. I was empty and felt like a zombie. I felt numb all the time. Almost all of me was missing. I don't know how I started to feel again, but along the way somehow I did. I had to relearn how to feel anything, how to cry, how to laugh, how to smile, everything! I lost it all. I still know why, but will never tell a soul why. My life of secrets. That's only the beginning...
I've never wanted people to feel sorry for me. I guess that's why I always hide the truth. I never cared what people thought of me. I still don't. I still hide everything away. Keep everything inside. But now I feel emotions. I actually cry, more than I should, which is why I wonder where my strength went. I never used to let a soul see me cry. Since then a lot more people have seen me cry....I can't even begin to explain why, but that's why I don't feel as strong as I used! I've always been extremely independent. Something I've always been told is intimidating. Almost every guy I've dated has realized that I don't need them and they know it. Something that always scared them. I've never needed a guy, I've always known how to stand on my own two feet. Maybe that's what love is. Someone who makes me weak at the knees to the point where I can't stand on my own two feet without them. Maybe that's crazy! I'm not really sure that I've ever really loved one of my boyfriends. Maybe Brian, but I'm really not sure, nor do I really think I loved him. I really liked him, but love...I don't think so. I know I've been loved, but I don't feel like I've recipatated those feelings back towards any of my boyfriends. I kinda laugh (in a good way) looking at my boyfriends and then the list of guys I've kissed. People would be really surprised about some of the people I've dated and even more so of the guys I've kissed. Almost every guy that has kissed me has asked me out, funny how most of them I haven't dated. I'm picky, but sometimes you just know what would be the point!
Part of the reaon I'm so picky is that I don't let people get close to me. I just don't! It's sad that I'm more honest with my buddy matt than I've been with anyone else. I've never even met the guy, but I've never lied to him. I've never had to. Maybe that's why I find it hard to see my friends from high school again. I'm not the girl they knew then. I'm more open and I'm different. But when I'm around most of them, I feel like I'm back to my high school self, and not in a good way. I don't feel like that though when I hang out with anyone of them like one on one! It's just they all have a certain perception of me. It's hard to change people's minds about you. I'm not the same girl I was in high school. I've grown and learned a lot about myself and the world I live in. But I feel like that is just part of growing up! I come home and I really don't wonder why I don't have friends back at home anymore! Truth is, I've never been good at keeping friends. I push them all away! I always have! It's my defense! I don't let people get close to me. For all the reasons in above paragraphs! Maybe because I'm scared to let people see me naked, without all my defensive walls up and completely vulnerable for the first time! I think it's been my secret life that has always held me back! I've always known it, but never able to let go of it. It's part of who I am, something I can never escape.
Maybe that's why I've enjoyed my newer college friends lately! I feel more vulnerable with them! I don't have all my guards up! Like this last semester, Sam, Bridget and I would take turns cooking for our guy friends: Beau, Chris, and Brian. Tuesday night dinners! Every time I cooked they always asked where I learned to cook. For the first time in my life I didn't give my usual white lie, beat around the bush, for the first time I told them no one. I learned on my own because I had to. I learned to cook when I was young because my parents weren't around. The truth, vaguely, but the truth for once. Maybe that's why I don't feel so strong as I used to be. I think I've let go of some of my defenses, and that has changed me! I feel more like the girl I know I am. The girl I've always been in private! For the first time in a long time, I feel really like myself! But I don't as much like myself when I know I'm with people who have a certain perception of me, it's hard to explain why. I've changed, but I'm pretty positive not many of them have gotten to know who I've evolved into. I guess that's life. So my life will always be a secret to some degree, but for the first time, I don't have to hide it like I used to. Maybe it's easier not to when I'm at college because these people didn't grow up with me, they've never been to my house, met my parents, shared similar times with me, etc. I still find it funny that my best friend and I are close. She's always been more open with me than anyone else. But her and I are best friends, but I've never wanted to tell her about my secret life. I feel better that people not know. Maybe it's because I grew up and people said they wanted my life. I've always been highly respected and liked by most people, I guess part of me always feared of disappointing those people who looked up to me. I feel like I never told the truth about those sorts of things when I was younger because I had an image to live up to. Now, I only have my own image to live up that is created by me. Maybe that's easier now because I don't have my best friend with me all the time. I know that sounds terrible, but you'd think after all this time she's know, truth is she never has, nor will she ever! It's just better that way. It's better for people not to know because I've never wanted their sympathy or for anyone to ever feel sorry for me! That's not who I am.
posted by Lost_Lily @ 1:41 AM
0 comments
So I was relaxing for the night watching a movie. Out of no where I get this really quick sharp pain in my chest on my left side! It's like I can't breathe, almost like when I get an asthma attack, but instead it's three seconds of really sharp, intense pain near my heart! I used to get them a lot in high school, but I was told they are normal, especially for athletes. I forgot the reason why, but several of us were chatting about them during stretching one day. Anyways, so you know me, inquisitive little one, just had to know what the hell is this sharp pain. So if you have ever wondered what this pain is here ya go! It's called Precordial Catch Syndrome. And it still hurts me right now!!! Grr, I hate those stupid sharp pains! At least it's nothing to worry about, but still it's nagging! It usually hurt me for a few hours.
Well, if it would stop raining, I would have been out playing sand volleyball!! Grr, too much rain lately has prevented us from playing! It would suck to play in because we are all really aggressive, and we're always diving on like every play practically! Wet sand and diving aren't partically good together, but oh well! I'm gonna miss sand volleyball all next week too!!! :( I'll be in Dubuque! YEAH!!! I'm looking forward to it! Going to spend some time with Sam, Brita, Balk, Rachel, etc.! Margo might be coming in on the weekend, so I might get to see her! I haven't seen her since December since she was studying abroad in South Africa for the spring term! We're going to have so much fun living together and being 21!!! :) I'm really looking forward to school because people are finally 21, or are turning 21 early on in the school year! YEAH! So it's gonna rock! Well, I should attempt to get on a sleeping schedule so I can get up at 8AM to do my thesis work next week, HAHA, yeah me go to bed early! I haven't gone to bed before 4AM in a long time! I'll try tonight, but I bet it will be like 3ish by the time I fall asleep! Sleep and me never really have gotten along anyways!
posted by Lost_Lily @ 1:22 AM
0 comments
Yep that's right, snakes are in a car near you! Found this to be an enjoyable read earlier today. I love the title of the article: Call Samuel L. Jackson...snakes in a car! Now isn't that just kick'n'sweet! [Yes I know, kick'n'sweet is lame, but it is a tag phrase/inside joke with a group of my college friends] Anyways, that would be an awesome prank! Apparently the snakes got deeper in her car! I'd be a little paranoid too if I'm driving along and out of no where I have snakes biting my feet while my foot is on the gas! At least they are Gardner snakes! But I have to admit, it would be quite a scene to see this lady freaking out in the parking lot of a grocery store. The police are still determining how the snakes got into the car...lol! :P
posted by Lost_Lily @ 8:28 PM
0 comments
Here's a sad little story about a baby Humpback Whale that beached itself. Humpback Whales are on the endangered Species List, in addition, they are listed as Vulnerable [to becoming extinct], with approximately 15,000-10,000 individuals in the wild. I find it surprising that they did not attempt to put this humpback whale in captivity though, just because humans like to do that. Most of me feeling like they did the right thing, but I can't help to feel like fighting for its life is almost better. I agree with the reasons they chose to euthanize the baby whale: 1.) Needs to feed off its mother 2.) Needs mother's protection 3.) without 1 and 2 the baby ultimate dies from starvation or from a shark attack. So what they did was a good death considering the other options. But I still can't help to feel like why not try to put it back to sea?! But they may have only saved its life for a day, who knows about tomorrow if the calf could have survived on it own, but the chances were very much against him. But they did everything to attempt to find the mother, there's only so much humans can do. But still, if the baby was put in captivity it would not have had a healthy, happy, long lived life. There's no question that this animal would become too large to fit in any aquarium and it would definitely be hard to keep feeding this whale thousands of pounds of krill a day once it stopped feeding off approximately 100 lbs of milk supplement a day. The baby whale would have no companionship, which these creatures thrive off of through their vocalizations that travel long distances underwater. It would also not have any close physical contact like it would normally in its pod in the wild. Who would really want to take in this animal knowing all that?! Knowing this whale would never truly be happy in captivity. I wouldn't. But it's sad that the baby whale had to die, but most likely it would have had a worse death in the wild, either starving to death or being eaten by a shark!
posted by Lost_Lily @ 3:34 PM
0 comments
Honestly, when will some people learn to grow up?! My ex e-mailed me today! To recap what his e-mail said: As usual, talks about the farm, crops, and how he now enjoys the little piggies are being born right now because of me [I used to play with them, take pictures, and help with with what he needed me to do with them, clip nails, pull teeth, move them, etc.], about his trip he took to visit family down south, telling me Boo-Boo says hi [that's my bear I've had since I was two, we had swapped each other things we cherished our first summer apart, but I'll be getting back my bear come the school year, hopefully], that he keeps me in his prayers along with my family, twins/cubs chat. The last two things bug me the most that he mentions in his e-mail: 1. ) He realizes how much he really misses me now and 2.) Him bitching that no one calls or e-mails him at all!!! He complains for 3/4 of his e-mail about that! I respond with grow up and stop complaining. Friendships work two ways! I told him to try picking up a phone or writing his own friends e-mails! I find it funny that I don't count though! But he's really depressed and down that no one calls him. It's like grow up, damn it! I'm the only one who has kept in touch through e-mail. He used to call and I never would answer! I called twice and left two messages about a month ago now, and they haven't been returned. So I really don't want to hear him complain that no one calls or e-mails him because I'm the only one that does! You want to know why I don't count though?! Because he expects me to, it's as though I'm obligated to as though we're still dating! It's like, grr, grow up and move on with your life! So the e-mail I wrote him back is going to be a slap in the face! I really don't care about tip toeing around his feelings. I've had enough of him. I'm not even gonna try anymore. I'm going to say what I feel. He has to learn to deal with it all.
I do have to feel bad for him just a wee bit though. No one does talk to him. They all talk to me! I'm the one who gets drunk phone calls or regular phone calls. I'm the one who gets im's and e-mails from people. I talk to a bunch of our friends every night. But I have the ability to, while he doesn't because he has no internet at home. But that still does not excuse him for picking up the damn phone and calling people. So yeah. Okay enough of me ranting about how much my ex needs to grow up still!! See why I could never see myself with him again! He just makes me annoyed, mad, and angry all at the same time with his stupid bitching and complaining about the stupidest things! Grrr!!!
Well, I love my new background! It's four cocktail glasses at a tropical local! Yum! I'm really craving a really girly, fun, fruity cocktail!!! Do you like it?
Well, I don't really care if you do or not! All that matters is that I do! Hmmm...wow I'm really craving a cocktail right now, which is so rare for me! Well, luckily I'll be heading to Dubuque next week, so I can drink then! I'm looking forward to my trip! :)
posted by Lost_Lily @ 10:06 PM
0 comments
I wonder if this study is true in humans since it is in bats? Somehow I can see this being true ya know?! I mean let's just play stereotypes for a bit. Jocks have "little" brains (or only know how to think with their little brain) , big muscles, and get laid a lot, altough that doesn't necessarily reflect the size of their testes. Nerds have "big" brains and typically aren't getting laid alot. Hmm...well those are stereotypes. Being a science student I know that accessories take more energy to produce and keep up. So for example in deer, large racks of horns are appealing to the female because it shows their power, age, and have a very nice display of horns which they can use to win a mate over other challengers. But to grow that display required that these males to have a very good nutrient sources and health. This study would be interesting to see if this study also applied to human males based on their IQ, size of their testes, and their sexual tendencies (monogomy or polyogomy).
Sorry, I'm enjoying my science read, although it is an older article. I happened to run across it today searching through the archives. I just like to make further connections. Well, Charlie beat me at pirating today! ARRGH! I will seek revenge at a later date! That's all for now, maybe i'll post another article later tonight~
posted by Lost_Lily @ 10:22 PM
0 comments
What else there for me to do at 3:40AM besides do some quizzes/surveys?! I mean I killed this medium, black spider crawling on my ceiling, but that's not all that exciting! Enjoy pointless quizzes...
You're a Passionate Kisser
| You're an Passionate Kisser |
 |
| You Are Mystique |
 Powers: Shapeshifting - you can impersonate other people or become a monster |
| You Should Travel to Japan |
 |
| Your Inner European is Italian! |
 |
posted by Lost_Lily @ 3:41 AM
0 comments
I was rereading one of my posts [Busy Bee] from a few days ago. I think, I can't make up my mind about the second half of the post. I realized, WOW, I'm an idiot for saying some of those things, even though I felt like that then. But at the same time, I'm glad I said them. I think I unwisely choose the word "faking." I mean, if I hated "faking" it so much, I never would have bothered in the first place. But the problem is in the same token, I'm not interested. So then what is that?! I dunno either. I honestly enjoy hanging out with him and our bit of flirting. By the end of the night we're both drunk. It's then that I feel the weakest. I have the urge to kiss him, but not a why. Hopefully that makes sense to you. I can't explain why when you put the two of us, single and alone, our history speaks for itself. It's weird. Anyways, I think it's been on my mind lately for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. By the end of the night, we have our no strings attached deal, which works perfect for several reasons for both of us. I had considered breaking that deal though by completely saying no. But I've reconsidered after rethinking things over since then. I dunno, maybe I'm just thinking too much about certain things. It's just when I was with my ex, there were true feelings, love, want, desire, etc. were all there. The only thing stopping us was his dedication to his faith, which I completely respected plus I was a tad bit insecure due to inexperience, which is natural. So it worked. But with my current arrangement, the feelings are lacking, which is why I unfairly used "faking". It's not that I'm faking the whole thing, but I think I need to fake some feelings in there just a bit, to make it less awkward at times for my sake. Last time, I was very drunk and let my mouth run a little too much, oops, that happens! But what I said was the truth, no harm no foul. Yeah what goes on can be fun, with a little more time/experience on my part. But I think the lack of experience really gets to me, makes me insecure which is a really tough thing to do to me normally, and in the same token which is what holds be back too! It's just my ex and I had our own dirty secrets, fantasy, likes, etc., the normal things that are there when you're with someone. But I don't have that in this situation, which is why I say faking it too and which also makes me more reserved. People who have known me for awhile have a certain perception of me, but they don't really know me, and maybe that's the problem. In addition, I don't know him that well; I mean, I do, but I don't. It's just not the same this time around in terms of the feelings and I guess that's where I struggle. Maybe it's me who wants some feelings there, to have it mean something but then that would just make everything a mess in our current deal, but I'm not sure I could even find real feelings in myself anyways. I guess it was arrogant/ignorant of me to say I never even considered him, nor would I ever, and I played things off when he asked me out in high school. I've grown a lot since I was in high school, that was four years ago! I just didn't consider him then or even think about it twice at the time because anyone who knows me knows that I was head over heels for Ken! I had been since the day I met him, which was the first day of junior year of high school, tenth period, Ms. Bannon's expository writing course! :) He sat behind me and the guy who sat in front of me was annoying me! Before I knew it, I was turning around talking to the guy behind me which I quickly fell for and learned so much about! I adored him, but was too shy to ever tell him how I felt! :( Stupid me! Even now, I haven't even thought twice about my current deal. I haven't even thought about consideration of him that way mostly because I don't want to. I'm perfectly fine with the way things are now. I honestly don't know him as well as I used to, but spending time with him I'm getting some insight as to what he has been up to. He's grown up too and changed! I really do think he's a great guy. But I'm enjoying being single. I like going out on dates, having myself back--a litte more flirtatious me which people haven't seen in awhile--, going out and not having to feel any bit of guilt that I'm out with the guys, etc. Is it bad that I want to be single? It's not that I'm not opened to a relationship, I guess if someone really wanted to pursue a true relationship with me, it would take a lot more effort than a guy would be willing. I mean, I guess he'd really have to show me he cared about me and wanted to be in a real true committed relationship. I'm old fashioned in the dating department, so the guy would have to pursue me as always and not the other way around. In the past, this has always made me "hard to get" as the guys have told me. Because I really don't let ya know how I feel, well maybe if you get me wasted enough and badger me on the subject enough too, but even then chances are I wouldn't tell you the truth. It's just not who I am. If a guy wanted to be in a relationship with me, I guess he'd really have to bring his feelings to the table, which really means that that isn't gonna happen. It's like my considerations of boyfriends window is currently closed, but could be reopened upon a moments notice if true interest was presented. Hopefully that makes sense! I've never been the girl who's looking for a boyfriend. Somehow they find me, they ask me out, they make the first move! But once you get me in a relationship, I'm not so old-fashioned anymore! I think that surprises people to hear I'm so old fashioned about the first things in relationships! I guess I'm the girl who makes fun of other girls for always chasing the boys. I could never be that girl I make fun of, it makes me laugh thinking about me chasing a boy. I may like a boy, but that doesn't mean I pursue it or let anyone in on my secret! Chances are you don't know who I like at the time, now and in the past. But at the same time, I want to be single. Some of my friends are like say yes to the guy that asked you out! Guess what, I said no! It was only a week and half after Brian and I broke up! It's like wow, let me breathe! That's what I needed to do for myself! So I have been, and yeah I miss the little things about having a boyfriend, but not as much as a I did at first! I probably will more when I go back to school, but we'll see! I'm just in no rush! I'm picky anyways. But next time around, I'm gonna be more opened minded. This next guy, he doesn't have to be perfect. He just has to understand the current situation: one more year at college and then three straight years of grad school probably around home somewhere! It's that simple! That was one of the biggest problems I had with Brian. No guy is going to stop me from pursuing my dream. No matter what, I'm going to grad school where I want to, not where it's convient for them! I'm sorry, but no matter what happens in my life, I would never be as happy, and I couldn't live that way for one second! I just know how to be me, no offense to the guy or anything! Somehow I could see that becoming a problem if I were to choose differently because of the guy, I would forever regret it! Having a boyfriend isn't on my mind right now, I just need to get things done around here before school starts up! Traveling back to Dubuque in a week! YEAH! :) I'm excited! Strawberry Pancakes with Sam! :) I miss her! Also means, my research is about halfway done since I'm going until the end of September! I guess overall, I need to stop over thinking things....it's what I always do! Maybe I'm just the girl who looks for a deeper meaning because she hates the fakeness! Or did I just become the very thing I hate? Did I become a fake person with my arrangement?! i really don't think so. Next time I see him, I'll be different. In the future things will be different, for the better! :)
posted by Lost_Lily @ 12:27 AM
0 comments
Last night was awesome! Celebrated Arlene's 21st birthday with her family and her! It was a lot of fun, it always is! She kinda was busy with party stuff and saying hi and bye and taking care of people at the party that she forgot to eat dinner! Well, that wasn't too good cuz then we got her drunk after most of the people left! :) So we had fun chatting, watching music videos and laughing about reallly stupid things in them, drinking, etc. Unfortunately now, I'm ashamed to say I think I know all the words to Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins cuz we ended up watching that music video too many times that I'd rather not remember! I mean the music video is just like wtf?! Country music with scadly dressed girls who should be in a rap music video...hmmm! It's all so puzzling in a way! Don't believe me?! Check it out here. I know all the guys just appreciated that music video! lol! Anyways, we watched it more than 10 times, that's what we get when Alex has the TV remote and we're looking at music video selection that comcast has.
Anyways, had a good time chilling out at her house and then we went for a ride to Bollingbrook to go to one of the guys brother's place. But Arlene got sick in the car. :( We made her drink too much! So yeah. I guess it's your typical 21st birthday! Took us forever to get there cuz she wasn't doing too good, but we took care of her. So we had fun once we got to Bollingbrook. Had a bon fire! :) Eventually we all got hungry from drinking all night long and ended up at Denny's at 4:00 AM! So that was fun, and a much needed meal to sober up! Then we all went home cuz people had to work and travel home the next day whether by car of plane! So about 5:30 AM I finally came home and crashed into my bed! Was a very good night of fun! Happy Birthday Arlene! Too bad people didn't want to come, they missed out on an awesome time! Plus she was disappointed too! :( Oh well, she's already left to go back to school cuz she has a lot of reading and paper writing to do for tomorrow which she hadn't started yet! So no more Arlene! :( I'm gonna go visit her during the school year a few times and she's coming in the spring term cuz her fall term is too crazy! It's like a 4 hour drive or so, not too bad! I'm looking forward to it!
Well, I'm pretty wiped out cuz I was up by 10AM! I'm sleepy still! So I'm just gonna lay around today! Sunday is my one lazy day of the week! So yeah! Looking forward to watching that Global Warming show on Discovery tonight!
posted by Lost_Lily @ 3:35 PM
0 comments
I'm listening to music and watching the World Cup right now! You say, the World Cup is over, and I say NO!!!! The World Cup of softball is going on!!! :) It should be a good game, but USA should beat Australia. They were the gold medal matchup in the last olympics ( if i recall correctly, or it might have been the semi final game...it's been awhile) Anyways, I'd be disappointed if they don't win cuz they didn't win it last year! They lost to Japan in last years World Cup Final (they play this every year unlike soccer, which is every 4 years)! But it was a very good game! The Japanese are great fast-pitch softball players! Well, USA is up 4-0 and it's the bottom of the 3rd!
Well, my playlist is a weird mixture lately. It's boarderline pop I'd say, which I know is quite suprising for me! Usually it's alternative or ska/punk music, or my techno/dance music! :) Here's a sample of what I'm listening to right now: (Music Videos are linked that I could find, but I prefer the songs to the videos)
"The Cells" by The Servant
"Steady as She Goes" by the Ranconteurs
"Facedown" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
"The Kill" by 30 Seconds to Mars
"Honestly" by Cartel
"How to Save a Life" and "Over my Head" by The Fray
"Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley
"Dark Blue", "Mixed Tape", and "Lalala Lie" by Jack's Mannequin
"I Can Barely Breathe" and "Tell Me Everything" by Just Surrender
"Angels Losing Sleep" by Our Lady Peace
"Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol
"Stare at the Sun" by Thrice
"These Things" by She Wants Revenge
"Excusable" by Transitition
"The Transition" by Hawthorne Heights
"In the Waiting Line" by Zero 7
Interesting mix I'd say. It's not my normal loud alternative music. It's a much softer sound. But I like it. I know some of it is old stuff, some of it is new, and I bet some of the songs/bands you never heard of! That's just the way I am. I don't care what is mainstream and what isn't! I like going out there and finding bands! I did that so much more the early years of high school! I used to go to local concerts all the time sophomore and junior year of high school! It was awesome and lots of fun! Well, I supposed I should get a move on doing things around the house today! Tonight's party with Arlene!!! :) I'm excited!
posted by Lost_Lily @ 11:51 AM
0 comments
It's offical, I've been eaten ALIVE! The damn mosquitoes love me! Well I found out why they love me so! British scientists have studied why some people are eaten alive and other people are never bitten by mosquitoes. (click here for the research it's an interesting read) Has to do with the smell I give off when I sweat. Everyone produces a concoction of odorous chemicals when they perspire. But some people produce these chemicals in differnt ratios which can mask the smell of the first chemical when you sweat which has a "fuity smell." To test these cocktails of odors, the scientists constructed a Y-shaped chamber in which the scents of the subjects were wafted through the chamber towards a swarm of mosquitoes. They observed the reaction and behavior of the mosquitoes to each person's hand at the end of the chamber. They took note of the subjects they avoided, and the ones they were drawn too. Next, sweat of the unattractively odoured ones had their sweat collected by "sealing their bodies in a foil sack, tied under the chin, and collecting and distilling the sweat that poured off them." Eww...don't sign me up for the sweat collecting job...sick! Ha scruff work for grad. students....oh how i'm glad i'm not one of their students! lol! Next, "the most potent repellent chemicals were then isolated by strapping electrodes to the antennae of female mosquitoes," and observing their repsonses. Apparently these chemicals only smell fruity to the mosquitoes and not to humans. So they are in the works of making a better "natural" repellents against mosquitoes. Anyways, if you don't want to be eaten alive by mosquitoes, be fruity! I mean smell fruity! lol! :)
Anyone who knows me, knows I've been playing sand volleyball about every night of the week from 7PM until it's too dark to see a damn thing. Well, afterwards, we all cool off and chat and get eaten alive in my case from sweating the past few hours. I get eaten alive becasue my sweat isn't fruity! If you have a fruity smelling sweat, the mosquitoes don't like you, but if you smell like lactic acid they like you! So yeah for me, I smell like lactic acid when I sweat! lol! No i'm not suprised! I know I can smell especially after playing all out sand volleyball for hours or when i've been playing my traveling fast-pitch softball all day! Trust me, I know I need to shower! :) Good thing I like to shower! Care to join?! ;) lol!
posted by Lost_Lily @ 10:33 PM
0 comments
Well, I've been a very busy bee that last few days. Yesterday, I spent all day running errands after working out. Still can't find black flip flops in my size, grrr, broke my black ones at a party almost a year ago now! Bought Sin City for $10! Got Arlene half of her b-day gift. The other have is TBD, but something in the alcohol realm! Any suggestions?! She didn't even drink on her 21st b-day! So I'm definately gonna get her drinking on Saturday's Party! :) Excited! Ran a bunch of other errands too for my mom! That night I played some hardcore sand volleyball, 3 v 3 style! My team kicked ass! We went 3-0 on the night! Somehow Mike, Vidalus (I don't know how to spell his crazy Lituanian name), and me were unstoppable! I served out about every match! Always started us out with at least 5 pts! It was awesome! So sore the next morning though!
Today, got up sore from playing volleyball for 3 hrs the night before, and went to observe for a few hours! That was fun learned a few things, I mean I enjoyed it. Did some stuff around the house, then went to play some more awesome sand volleyball with the crew! Another good day! 4 v 4 today! So I wouldn't have been too sore tonight had i not been sore from yesterday; needless to say, I'm laying in bed. I think my legs don't move anymore! They are sore! But it was fun! So I'm offically part of the crew now! :) Yeah! I made new friends, aren't ya proud?! lol! Rest of the night just laying in bed and watching tv, rewatching Stephen King's Nightmares and Dreamscapes on TNT! I taped them too! So far they did Battleground and Crouch End! I thought they were done pretty well! Although, I never read battleground. But they had visually appealing plots.
Well, tomorrow is just another day. Gotta do some house work and cleaning. Ugh! Get in my work out too as usual. Eventually meeting up with the crew to play some volleyball or something! So it should be fun! :)
I have this guy I get drunk with. Him and I are friends and all. But I spend the whole night half flirting with him to not make everything so awkward so to speak. It's like I spend half the night faking it through because of something. I guess what I mean to say, is that yeah I have a good time hanging out with him. But the kissing and stuff is all fake. I just am finding it hard to fake it anymore. We both know the situation, both know we have no strings attached, but is it bad I don't want to fake it anymore because I'm seriously not interest in him in the slighest bit. I never have been. He kissed me once before a long time ago back in the old days. He asked me out too, I remember playing it off, and I remember getting in trouble for coming home after midnight. I think i rolled in about 1:30AM that day! opps, wasn't looking at the time! We were all like sleepy that day hanging out and I didn't even notice it was so late. Even then, I just didn't find anything in his kiss that was appealing to me then or even now. I mean he's a great guy, but not my guy, not my type of guy. We're just too different that it would never work, and I've always known that. That's why I never even thought twice about him kissing me or asking me out.
I never even considered him, nor would I ever, and I wouldn't even blink an eye about it. He's not even the type of guy I like. The guys I like are based on the internal characteristics, but I'll start with the outer ones just for fun. Well, if you know me and know me well, I like my guys tall, dark, handsome, and a little buff! :) I mean Ken in high school was the guy I liked, and not because of the way he looked, that was just a major bonus! I definately found him appealing! I guess he really embodied a lot of what I wanted in a guy and always have. Too bad he's the one I let slip through my fingers, I still regret that, but it's in the past! Anyways, the first thing I look at catches my eye about a guy is his eyes. I guess i've always had a thing about the way a guy can look at you and smile. If i don't know the color of your eyes in detail, trust my i'm not interested. If you ask me and I just say blue or brown, strike out for you because I'm obviously not interested. Like for example, my ex, his eyes were hazel, when they were on the brownish side they always were yellowish around his pupil and at the edges they were a gray blue, in between they were shades of brown. Get my drift...good.
Well, I guess the first thing that catches my eye about a guys character is his loyalty, trust, respect, and a good sense of humor. He doesn't have to be Mr. Funny, but I'm so sarcastic most of the time, if you don't know me well, I guess you'd missed that one. I really like guys who are loyal, trusting, and respectful no matter what. It speaks to me a lot about their character. I like my guys to be smart too, they don't have to be brillant, but someone who I can chat with about anything and he can educate me about other things. I enjoy having intellectually stimulating conversations even when I don't know a damn thing about the subject! Other times, I'm the expert! Sports have been my life, so I prefer guys who will go out and play sports, even if they suck at them, but at least they willing to try, and they watch a little bit too! I like them to be nice, caring, affectionate, etc. It's all the typical things. I guess I know what I want, but i'm not gonna write it all down here. I mean I like people with a future, people who have reasonable goals or half know what they want, I mean i don't like life planned out. But i hate people who are like hey i have this useless degree, i don't know why I went to college besides to party, and now I work no where or at some minimum wage grunt work. It's like what happened to you?! Maybe that's just me. It's not about money, it's about dreaming and wanting things in life and achieving them. I don't feel like going on. I guess I want what every girl wants. The difference is, I don't settle for a guy who isn't these things, or isn't a guy I mesh well with. I mean I won't date guys who aren't. I've gotten picky in my years! So this guy, I've been getting drunk with and what not, well he is a great guy in his own means, but he's not one of the guys i would ever consider dating. So you ask why write this or why even mention anything. Truth is, I dunno, but the fact remains I care not for him, nor will I ever, so the stupid question is why do I keep allowing myself to get drunk with him and let the night proceed as planned when i'm clearly not interested. Funny how we all use each other. Because I know we are both using each other to fill a need of the other, for me, I think it's two things. One the obvious and two the other obvious, but i bet you don't know the two obvious's when it comes to me. I'm a simple girl, enough said. But I can't stop laughing about why I let this go on agreeing to use each other and fake it through the night. Although I have fun hanging out with him, it's the faking it that i don't find fun. A fake kiss of passion, lust, etc, is a waste of kiss if you ask me. So why should allow myself to waste my kisses on a guy that means absolutely nothing to me?! Yet, I'm the shy, old-fashioned girl lwhen it comes to the guys I've been going out on dates with, or the other guy that I kinda like and spend time with we're both in the same town. Riddle me this: Why do I waste my kisses on a guy who doesn't deserve them, but conserve them for the ones that do?!?! Riddle me this! (Hint 1: I'm shy! Hint 2: I'm old-fashioned.....I think that only begins to answer that question!)
On a side note, I must admit, at times I miss having a boyfriend. I mean I've been dating a guy or seeing a guy for about 4 straight years now! I mean since senior year of high school! I need a break, I need to be single, but I miss my phone ringing with a hey you! I miss being called an angel, and all the inside jokes I had with my ex. I miss the way he would run up to me and grab me, pick me up, etc. I miss the way he held me in his arms and kissed me. My good night visits every night!I miss the way i fell asleep in his arms. I miss his warmth! I miss the way he smiles at me. What i miss most of all is just having someone there. Maybe that's why I let my kisses be wasted on a guy I have no interest there. I think in a sense he fills a void of me missing my boyfriend. But I don't even look at him that way at all, i don't know how to make that any clearer. I guess it's nice to find yourself in some guys arms, even if he's completely wrong, but for now, our agreement fills a void. A void for both of us, yet we both use each other, the best part is, I know I won't get hurt! I don't regret anything between the two of us, but I feel absolutely no attachment or attraction towards him. Maybe that's why I make sure to get drunk when I'm with him! Although last time, I was about ready to pass out from being so tired and drunk!
I laugh about my secret life. People have no idea about me what so ever. Ha and you call yourself my friend. Isn't it interesting why practically none of my friends are even aware of the fact that I have a blog or even know the adress of it! :P I will always be the girl full of secrets! I like it that way! :)
posted by Lost_Lily @ 11:08 PM
0 comments
The All-Star Game has been...ZZZZZZzzzzzzz...opps, I think I feel asleep there watching it! It's been so boring! It's almost over! But hey, my NL is currently winning 2-1! But that doesn't mean a damn thing when you look at the AL's line up of hitters who all can hit the long ball at any minute! Been a boring game thus far! I thought it was about time they honored Roberto Clemente for everything he's done in baseball and in the world! He has a great man, who died too young! Well, not too exciting today! Gonna watch the end of the game, AL is making a comeback right now! :( oh well~
posted by Lost_Lily @ 9:55 PM
0 comments
ITALY WINS THE WORLD CUP!!!!! :) Awesome! Was a good game to watch! Had a good time watching it over at Helm's with a few other people! I laughed how much they didn't know about soccer, when I know everything, cuz my brother plays. I mean he's on a full ride to a Division I school that was awesome last year and placed 4th in the tournament and he plays for the Chicago Fire's farm team too! But none of them know that, I think they were suprised about how much I knew. Oh well. Anyways, exciting game! Definately some viscious headbutting going on by Zidane! lol! Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1i_l0OeeMc
Cubs won today too! That's two in a row! YEAH! : )
Had a good busy weekend thus far! And now I need to pack for vacation!!!! :)
posted by Lost_Lily @ 6:12 PM
0 comments
Well I'm going on vaction for a week! YEAH! Off to one of our properties in Pennsylvania that I loved growing up, but I have been too busy to go in the last 5 years or so now! So i'm excited to go fishing, intertubing, swimming, shooting, camp fire stuff, etc! I really liked our place along the river! So no updates until I get back, we up in the middle of no where, no internet, recently got tv, but otherwise it's always been well water and electricity, so it's not like we're roughing it really. Just a nice relaxing place to go and hang out. Too bad none of my friends could tag along cuz they are too busy in Iowa, oh well!
I guess I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. I'm looking forward to school beginning again in a little over a month. Summer seemed to have flown by quickly. Still much to do! Looking forward going back to dbq in three weeks and then the following week I get Iowa visitors! Sweet! Going to a Cubs game, museums, and other Chicago attractions! I guess as the same time I see the line being draw between my friends and me. Especially those that are living with my ex, more specifically balk. He told me if he had to choose, he'd choose me reguardless of the fact that him and tlach are sharing a room. That comment shocked me at the time. But thinking about it now, I guess only time can tell with him. A lot of our friends don't know we broke up and write me emails asking how brian is on the farm and what not. I usually mention he's good (since we are emailing each other), but that we broke up. Then I get the infamous question why? Of course I'm not going to tell them every single detail, I simply state people grow apart and head in different directions, which is very true. I just can't see myself with him ever again.
I had a dream about that last night, but with several other familar faces of my past. The dream was so familar to woke me up and kinda shocked me and made me think twice. Brian was in it, but I pretty much told him off like I've been doing. He kept being persistant though, but persistance does not pay off in my book. Anyways, in my dream I ended up hurting him even more telling him I'm not the girl he thought I was. I've made decisions that he would be appalled about, but the truth is, I don't give a damn what he thinks, but in the same token, I'm not gonna tell him anything either. It's none of his business, nor do I care to please him. I only know how to please myself.
Anyways the rest of the dream was a series of past boyfriends or guys I was practically seeing all showing up again along with my current ones. It was odd and eerie. There was something so familar about each one of them. Looking back on it, each guy I've dated is like a memory in and of itself. A memory of who I was then, what they meant to me then, and stages of my life. The funny part is, even in my dream I didn't regret anything with anyone. But in real life, looking back on it, I think i do regret not clearing up issues with me and one of my boyfriends. I gave up on that relationship and I gave up on trying to tell the truth because he didn't believe me. I let him believe whatever he wanted. I asked him what he wanted to hear and he told me exactly what he wanted to hear, so I pretty much spit that right back out. I told him the lies he wanted to hear were true, but it doesn't matter! Things are what they are. But there was still the one thing I'll always regret in my life about a certain guy, it's been four year since then, but I still can't find the words to say anything. He was too scared to make a move and I don't make the first move, I guess my flaw of being old fashioned. He finally told me how he felt all too late. The next week, I handed him everything I had ever written about him. He was astonished to know how old some of my writings were and to learn that him and me had the same feelings for each other all this time. Maybe that was my great mistake in this life. I'll never know. It's hard to say that yeah we would have been together the rest of high school and college, I just couldn't see that happening. So maybe it's a regret worth happening! I dunno. Somehow though, I've never lost the feeling for him. If there was one person who has always had a part of my heart, it's him; still even today, it's him. I guess some people are hard to escape in life. They impact your life without being aware of it. He is one of those people who has and he doesn't really know it. Him and I are on and off talkers still, it's okay. Yeah I saw him recently about a month ago, but it's not the same, especially cuz I won't be seeing him any time soon. It's hard to know how perfect we are for each other but the timing isn't there. That happens.
I know sidetracked from my dream....maybe it's just hard to write it down. It's perfectly clear in my hear, but getting out on "paper" is the tough part right now. Maybe it's the names and people of the past and present, maybe it's something better kept to myself. We know me and my secrets. What's one more in the game of life?
posted by Lost_Lily @ 10:05 AM
0 comments
So I was bored a few nights ago and curled me hair. What do you think? Yeah i know, it still needs to be cut, I think I'm going to get it cut when I get back from vaction.
So yeah, I was bored, and curled my hair for the hell of it, it lasted all of about 3 hours until it all fell out, stupid straight thin hair! lol!
posted by Lost_Lily @ 2:16 AM
0 comments
All I keep hearing from my friends at Loras is that I'm too nice to them. All my friends say I'm too nice and nobody is that nice in real life. Well apparently I am.
Case #1: So read this short police beat article in the Hinsdale Doings about a certain friend's love interest, so I said something to her about it. She couldn't believe I would show her the article about him. I didn't do it to start anything, but when the guy you're practically seeing is arrested for assult and battery, last time I checked, that's a fairly big deal. He hasn't told her and he was arrested about 2.5 weeks ago for this. So she tells me I'm too nice for looking out for her and being concerned about her safety, yet she is grateful for what I've done.
Case #2: A little over a month ago, my boyfriend and I broke up. His counsin/roommate happens to be one of my best friends too, is the only person around in Dubuque and spends about every minute with me. So to pay him back for being there for me when he didn't have to be and everything else he's always done for me, I take him out for dinner, pay at the $1.50 movie theater to see a flick, and buy some alcohol which we split and get drunk on. Then my next trip to Dubuque, I go on an alcohol run for him, Brita, and me. While at my favorite store to buy alcohol at, Hyvee Wines and Spirits (how i miss hyvee...lol), I see that his favorite beer, Sam Adams, is on sale for $5.99 for a six pack. So I buy him that, but apparently that's being too nice. Yet he let's me crash at his place whenever. Even during the school year when I was dealing with my evil ex roommate who was a bitch and when people ditched me in dubuque and went home when I was supposed to be staying at their place. Apparently, I've always been too nice to him because people tell me when he's had a rough day or he tells me about it, and I do something to suprise him. My ex and him seemed to always have bad days on the same days so I would do stuff for both of them. I cheered them up with favorite ice cream, doughnuts, messages, movies, going out places, alochol, etc. Balk loved my birthday present the most: made him a homemade cake with frosting and got him two posters of Jessica Alba from Sin City which I bought for a steal off of ebay. So apparently, by being a friend i'm too nice to him. Yet, he's been there for me through everything and has been one of my closest guy friends at Loras.
Case #3: The reason why I stopped liking Ken as much in high school for awhile. He told me I'm too nice. That i'm too selfless and should learn to be more selfish. He told me that my selflessness and caring about others and being so nice was a cover for something else. What else might u ask? Beats me. Yeah I have my secrets, but I am a nice person. He called me too nice at the time because me and him had bonded in a class and started hanging out. The only christmas present that he got from anyone at school two years in a row were from me. But it wasn't anything great, trust me, it was a batch of cookies I had made that I had given to other friends too and the other year was like a hot cocoa variety mix and another small batch of my cookies. I never expected anything in return, but apparently giving him his only christmas presents from someone at Central was being too nice.
Case #4: My best friend calls me balling her eyes out. So what do I do, I do see her. But that's being too nice and too good of a friend.
The cases go on, but in all these cases, am I not just being a good friend? I have very few close friends for a reason, I'm very private and very picky about who I choose to be close to me. Don't feel snubbed if you're not close to me, it just takes awhile. I'm very private about my life, but lately I've been saying more because it's hard to keep telling white lies about certain things especially when people start coming to my house. My house is more of a mess than ever, my mom is sicker than ever. Some days she's alright, but the bad ones, well they are real bad, but i'm not gonna share the details.
I feel like today's society has forgotten the simplicities in life. Being nice is not a crime. I'm by no means a suck up or a brown noser, nor am I a people pleaser. I'm the opposite, I'm a bit of a rebel in my own way and I don't give a damn about what people think about me. I just don't. Maybe it's because I raised myself and dealt with a lot growing up. But I've never really cared and I still don't. That's why my friends are few and far between, but the close ones are the ones I hate to lose the most. I'm glad I'll always have my best friend, Arlene, we've been friends since 2nd grade and we always will be! I miss her. Anyways, people in today's world have forgotten just how to be nice and civil towards each other. A simple act can mean a lot to someone. It shows you care and that they matter to you in some way, shape, or form. I guess in today's world my niceness and caring is like a diamond in the rough. Hard to find, but cherished when discovered. :) I'm glad to have friends who do appreciate it even though they tell me that I'm too nice and nobody is that nice nowadays!
posted by Lost_Lily @ 5:30 PM
0 comments
I'm pretty much fed up with a certain one of my friends. I've had it up to here with her shit. It's the same stunt every time. Not that I didn't expect it on Fourth of July to happen, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of her being on every guy I intoduce her to! She'a done it to every guy I've dated or was even dating at the time, every guy friend i have, etc. She's all over them reguardless of whether or not they have a girlfriend. She's ignorant to do that to my boyfriends and she has done that in the past. It's been more than 10 guys that I've introduced her to that she's been all over. She always manages to put a wedge in between each of those guys and me. How does she manage this every time? Well, she tells them lies about me or the things i say about them, etc. It's a fucking joke, I've lost some of my best guy friends to her and now i'm losing one more! This is a joke! I'm losing on of my best guy friends for the last 6 years to her crap! It's ridiculous! I'm waiting for school to start up and her to be all over my ex. Oh just wait, she will be! Why? Because she's always told me how jealous she was of him and me and everything we had in our relationship and what a good guy brian is, etc. She wanted him from day one and told me that, but she had no idea i was his girlfriend at the time because i met her with around the dorms with a mutual friend we happened to share when she first started coming to school. She has been all over my ex since day one even while we were dating and she called me one of her best friends! What "best friend" is all over your boyfriend?! Honestly! So yeah, i'm pretty much sick of this crap from her! I'm never introducing her to another guy ever again! I've had enough of this shit! She's all over ever guy because that's the way she is! She wants a boyfriend, but is too immature to have a relationship nor could she ever be faithful by any means! But she has a knack of breaking up couples because she's always all over that guy with a girlfriend! Of course she changes her mind on a day to day basis! I mean she comes to my house ranting about two guys and then next few hours she's all over my best guy friend who has a girlfriend, which i told her before hand! He keeps pushing her off and then flirting with me to try to get her to leave him alone, but she won't! Then she gets mad and jealous of me that he's flirting with me and i'm trying to steal him from her! When she knows I think of him like my brother and we always playfully flirt but that's it. Completely meaningless. I think I'd shoot myself in the stomach twice before I'd ever consider him more than a friend!
She couldn't handle that he didn't want her and that he has a girlfriend! So of course, while we're watching fireworks, she tries to lay on him, and instead he gets behind me and wraps his arms around me and puts his head on my shoulder. No big deal. But it is to her since she got all pissed off at me! I guess I don't think much of it because me and him have always been close that way, no big deal! There's absolutely no feelings there, but it's a joke that she's telling him all this shit that she cliams I said about him to her. All of which is untrue minus that I told her I think of him as my annoying brother sometimes, but that's the friendship I have with him. He knows that, I've told him that before. But it's sick that he kinda believes her and is being an asshole towards me now. Apparently he broke up with his girlfriend this afternoon too. So wtf...I honestly don't have eyes for him, but she does! But you know she will this week, but not the next! I could say the worst things in the world about her to him, but i won't! That's not me. I guess he'll have to find that out on his own! But in the mean time I've pretty much lost one of my best guy friends to her shit.
I hate stupid girls! I hate their drama! And most of all I hate putting up with their stupid shit all the time! So enough is enough!!!
posted by Lost_Lily @ 11:45 PM
0 comments
Tonight was a good day hanging out with people. We drank, grilled out, played volleyball, basketball, pool stuff, hung around the pool, etc, it was a good time! Went to Four Lakes to sit on the top of the hill to watch all the firework displays in the area! That was awesome! You can see about 7+ firework shows from 9PM and on, espeically since Lisle's who is the closest to there does theirs at about 10ish! So that was awesome hanging out chatting, drinking, watching fireworks! :) Afterwards, we came back and lit off a bunch more fireworks over at my friend's house! Had a grand ol' time!
Watching the fireworks made me remember the last time I did that! Made me miss having a boyfriend. Not that i missed him, I just missed having someone there! Someone to snuggle up against, someone to lend me their warmth of being close to them, someone to kiss me softly under the fireworks, someone to laugh with, someone to share good time with! I may miss all those things, but it doesn't matter. None of it makes me miss/want Brian back, even though he keeps telling me he wants me back and made a mistake. He needs to deal with it, i've moved on! He doesn't get a second chance so the same problems can occur once more, I've had enough, he hasn't changed enough or matured to understand that I guess! Being back with him is the last thing I want to do, so i won't! There is no point.
I've moved on, but it's nice to have a boyfriend. Someone who is there for you, to spend time with, to share moments with, etc. It's normal to want to have someone in your life that way. But at the same time i don't want that, if i did i wouldn't have made some choices that I have in the past few weeks! But irreguardless about how i currently feel about having a boyfriend doesn't matter. The idea is always nice, but in reality, i'd prefer to be single for awhile. It's nice to go out and have fun and not have to worry about anything! I don't have any regrets and nothing to hold me back from having fun! I really like being single and i'm enjoying every second of it!
But there's nights I wish i had someone there with me! Someone to hang out with, drink with, watch movies, go to dinner, and to fall asleep with. There was just something perfect the way me and brian fit together that I miss. I always feel asleep with his arms wrapped around me and awoke exactly that way. It was always a great feeling and warmth. Someone who kissed me softly good morning and squeezed me ever so slightly in his time to wake up way he always did since he always woke up first! I guess I miss that the most about him. I miss curling up and falling asleep next to him on the weekend only of course, if u knew him u'd understand why. But still, I've never felt safer in my life then the moment i found myself in his arms falling asleep. No one else in the past has ever done that, but we seemed to fit together. I guess it's hard to explain, I miss those things, but i don't miss him. I doubt that makes sense to any of you, but it makes perfect sense to me!
Anyways, Happy Fourth of July!!! :)
posted by Lost_Lily @ 2:08 AM
0 comments
Last night friends from college came into town to hang out and go to Ribfest! Unfortunately, somehow, Ribfest was sold out!! :( Not cool! So we did a lot of walking to there, then around downtown Naperville, and then back to Becca's house. Nice to see people! Becca and I had a nice little chat since we defected from the group temporarily because the rest of the group went to get dinner and Becca and I wanted to go to Jamba Juice!!! So that was nice, I haven't talked to her in a long time, mostly because of my old evil roommate and her being close friends, but apparently they aren't anymore! HA! It was nice to see everyone again, but they are so indecisive.
So I left since they were just gonna watch a movie back at Becca's and went over to catch the party at Chris's house. But I caught that one on the down swing. It was alright to see people, but really they were up to nothing. The most eventful things of the night was Helms with the vaccuum cleaner trying to catch all the bugs and then Tian and Ben going at it cuz Ben kept hitting Tian in the eye. Pretty uneventful and fairly boring. Oh well, apparently I missed most of the fun going on earlier in the night...oh well...no big deal!
Well, my Cubbies beat the Sox today 15-11!!! About time they didn't drop the ball again like last game, two outs top of 9 and they can't close out the game yet again! I think they only know how to play like 7 innings, someone needs to inform them they are playing baseball (9 innings for those that don't know) and not softball (7 innings=complete game). Ehh, they aren't playing all that great together right now, you can't make a team with talent play together and that is their problem more than anything aside from all the injuries this year! Well, i'm off to hang out with people...later~
posted by Lost_Lily @ 5:47 PM
0 comments