Odd to think now

Even now people refer to Brian and I as a couple. It's odd. It seems like forever one moment and then not the next. It's funny how people still say that want what Brian and I had. I laugh now thinking about it. You want a guy that lives five years into the future? You want a guy that gets scared so easily and is always afraid of losing you if you spend a night out with other people and god forbid I go to the bars or parties drinking without him?! It was a crime for him not to know where i was all the time it seemed like. We practically always had to do or hangout with his friends or do things he wanted than to hang out with my friends, who he decided he didn't like very much. It wasn't fun. Yeah we had great times hanging out just the two of us and there were feelings there. Part of me thinks i might have fallen in love with him, but i'm not sure what love really is, but the point is, I don't miss him. I miss the feeling of having someone there for me no matter what, something he didn't always do. It's nice having someone there who will listen and understand completely even if you don't say much. Someone to hang out with and have little inside jokes with which mean a lot more to us than anyone else. I miss the way he smiled at me and the way he told me he cared about me and the way he held me and kissed me. But i don't miss him, i just miss those feelings. I know somewhere out there there is someone for me, but i'm too young to want that now. I want a world before i find that right person. I want to be the ambitious girl i am, but i'm not too ambitious, i can get these things I want. I want to go to grad school, i want a job i'm going to love, i want to travel, I just want so much. So much that i can have, but not with someone so insecure and inconsiderate of the things i want in my life. I would give up everything for the right one if i knew it was real, but i'm not ready to do that. When the time comes i'll know, but until then, i'm gonna live my life the way i want.

Yesterday was fun going to the Cubs game with Rich. We had a good time! Too bad they lose 3-2 to the Astros, oh well. It was fun nonetheless. I loved walking the streets of downtown chicago all by myself. I've never done that before. I had to meet rich and a friend at the ballpark and he was gonna drive me home, so i took the train down to union station and then walked the 7 blocks over to catch the red line! :) It was fun taking in the sights. I really do like chicago, I guess i never realized how much I really did. Being away at college makes me miss things that i'm not sure i really knew i missed. It's been a lifetime since i've been down in chicago for anything besides a sporting event, usually driving directly there. But this time i had free time to wander the street and was completely on my own. It was a great feeling. I think i forgot what it was like to be single and how good the sun can feel on my face all by myself. It's good. I feel good and I feel happy!!

On an exciting note, I'm going on a date this Saturday! :) Looking forward to it, but i feel the need to keep it to myself. I haven't seen this guy in practically four years now, i guess i'm afraid he might not be the same guy he was then. But it doesn't matter. I date would be good for me, and he knows i'm not looking for anything right now. It would just be a nice offical date and catching up.

Next week i'll be back at Dubuque working on my thesis! :) Can't wait to do that and see everybody again! I missed you guys!!!