A New Summer

This summer has brought a new me. I once again single me. A girl who can go out have fun laugh and be herself. I no longer have to be the girl shut up and not doing anything and always having to detail her activities and actions to her boyfriend. It's nice, I really missed it! Not that i don't miss my boyfriend, but just things weren't okay anymore. We drifted apart through tough times and finals. I had been questioning us for quite some time, but in the end it was him who bailed on me. I went through some really rough times with my closest professor dying right at then end of the school year which effected my thesis work, class work for him, etc. Long story short, the one person who should have been there for me bailed on me. I felt betrayed and hurt because i lost someone who was one of my best friends. It's weird. Anyways, currently we're taking the summer apart and then we'll see where we are, but i have my doubts. He thinks we might get back together, is it bad that i don't?! When you date someone you tend to ignore the flaws, but when you break up and step back, it's those glaringly obvious flaws that make me not want to be with him unless he grows up! I feel bad that i got over him so quickly, he meant a lot to me, but i realized how unhappy i've been. My happiness was a hazy fog, but i didn't notice it anymore until i found a clearing in the fog. Once you're out of the fog you just don't want to go back, it's just that simple. So it's nice being single once again. I know i can do better than him, not that i'm full of myself or anything, but i'm just too ambitious for him. Yeah i'm ambitious but i can achieve my goals and i will. Apparently that is intiminating to him, that i want something in life and to know what that is. I know me and him will be friends, because we have a very strong friendship. I just can't see myself with him again until he grows up. Even though he wants me back right now, i just can't. I can't go back knowing that nothing is different, that he hasn't changed one bit. It's just that simple. It's hard knowing that we both like each other still, but aren't together for reasons. But the thing is, i've moved on and i just don't think about him the way i used to. I haven't now for quite sometime. It honestly took me less than a week to feel fine, not think about him anymore, or shed any more tears. I'll always be me, the girl who is way too independent for her own good. A girl with too many secrets. But i like who i am, flaws and all.

Well, it's been nice seeing my old friends from practically 4 years ago, my senior group of friends, and meeting a few new additions. It's odd though. I don't really know any of them all that well anymore. I feel bad that I didn't keep in touch, but i'm glad we're talking again. They were my second favorite group in high school to hang out with, the first being anh, dave, and arlene which were part of the 2nd group! Lately it's been fun hanging out with a group who likes to do things and play sports. I miss the about being at school becuase we would always have a group to do something!

It's been nice, people from my past dropping in on my present. I can't help to just regret one thing in my life. My letter guy, we started talking again. Too bad he's not home for the summer. I really regret my choices about him. He's the one thing i do think about and have. I can't even being to explain why. I wonder how things would be different. I really think i wouldn't have gone to loras, but loras has had it's ups and downs, but in the end it's been a worth while trip. It's a regret in my life, the only one i have. I have to live with it, but it's always that one huge "What if.." deal. What if i had choosen differently? What if everything. I liked him forever. I will always wonder and always regret. It will always be what if concerning him... Another story another day...

In the mean time, been working on my thesis work...back to research for that and for applying to grad schools! I'm excited for a new destination and adventure!!! :)