Thoughts...

I received three interesting phone calls today! Not from anyone at the party, but from three guys...one of which is my boyfriend; the other two, other guys. Needless to say I got asked out on two dates...both of which I declined. What is it about me that all these guys like and they continue to chase after me?! But of course it's always the ones I really like that are too scared to tell me how they feel until it's too late! It's been the trend. Is it that hard to tell someone how you feel?! I guess I shouldn't be a hypocrite though either....I mean I never tell a guy how I feel about him if I honestly like him....you have to break me down first or get me really drunk...only then will I ever approach a guy and tell him how I feel! Drunken actions tend to be sober thoughts....or atleast that is the case with me, but either way it doesn't matter! I guess I can't be a hypocrite for scrutinizing people who keep these feelings for me bottled up and never tell me....because I'm so old fashioned that I would never dream in a million years of telling them how I feel first. That's not me, that was not the way I was raised. I'm old-fashioned when it comes to guys and dating. I will not ask a guy out nor will I ever really let him know I'm interested unless he gets my suddle hints. For instance, how long did me and ken play that game?! For an entire year....and why did nothing happen.....because he was scared that I didn't like him like...or that he'd ruin our friendship! And why didn't I make a move or anything....the exact same reasons! So what did I learn from that....if you really want something you have to take actions....although I learned the lesson doesn't mean I changed....I'm still the same girl I was then as I am now...the girl who is too scared to make changes in her life to affect friendships and or tell anyone how she feels about them. Funny thing is, talking to my boyfriend made me really happy, he apologized for being such a jerk lately and rightfully so. I guess it took him being away from me to realize what he was missing out on and that he took every single part of me for grand it! Made me miss him too! Somedays I know exactly where we stand and other days I'm just confused! I guess since break started I was confused and worried...now I feel like he's committed just to me again. He tells me he's finally over his ex now...whatever that means! Confuses the hell outta me...I'm not sure how to take that! Oh it's okay...you're in a relationship with me and still have feelings for ur first girlfriend........umm...yeah...right......!!!! Irony is, seeing my first boyfriend didn't make me flinch one bit. Not for one second did I think of the past or things once between me and him...it was so long ago...not that I don't remember or want to remember....but the past becomes the past and is the past.....the past is a jumble of memories...you have for a lifetime...but no longer affect you on any certain level...they are just the past....I guess it's something you once took in stride and now it doesn't even phase you one bit! I guess that's the best way to sum that up! Anyways, the boy claims he's coming to visit hopefully that or see me on New Years in Dubuque partying it up with my friends and doing a little research work a few days before and after for Dr. Shealer....gonna go catch some birds and band them for him and what not! Not that bad....but I don't see that money until the summer....oh well! I think I can manage with what I have now! Anyways....it's getting to be late...and I have forgotten why I even started this post....oh well...enjoy the ramblings.......................................................................................................................... I think I remember now though.......the original gist of this post was supposed to be "don't keep feelings bottled up or you can miss out on some of the best things in life"....somewhere that message was supposed to be....I think I took a major tangent instead....I guess I'm tired....sweet dreams all....time to dream of my perfect guy....