Thoughts...

I received three interesting phone calls today! Not from anyone at the party, but from three guys...one of which is my boyfriend; the other two, other guys. Needless to say I got asked out on two dates...both of which I declined. What is it about me that all these guys like and they continue to chase after me?! But of course it's always the ones I really like that are too scared to tell me how they feel until it's too late! It's been the trend. Is it that hard to tell someone how you feel?! I guess I shouldn't be a hypocrite though either....I mean I never tell a guy how I feel about him if I honestly like him....you have to break me down first or get me really drunk...only then will I ever approach a guy and tell him how I feel! Drunken actions tend to be sober thoughts....or atleast that is the case with me, but either way it doesn't matter! I guess I can't be a hypocrite for scrutinizing people who keep these feelings for me bottled up and never tell me....because I'm so old fashioned that I would never dream in a million years of telling them how I feel first. That's not me, that was not the way I was raised. I'm old-fashioned when it comes to guys and dating. I will not ask a guy out nor will I ever really let him know I'm interested unless he gets my suddle hints. For instance, how long did me and ken play that game?! For an entire year....and why did nothing happen.....because he was scared that I didn't like him like...or that he'd ruin our friendship! And why didn't I make a move or anything....the exact same reasons! So what did I learn from that....if you really want something you have to take actions....although I learned the lesson doesn't mean I changed....I'm still the same girl I was then as I am now...the girl who is too scared to make changes in her life to affect friendships and or tell anyone how she feels about them. Funny thing is, talking to my boyfriend made me really happy, he apologized for being such a jerk lately and rightfully so. I guess it took him being away from me to realize what he was missing out on and that he took every single part of me for grand it! Made me miss him too! Somedays I know exactly where we stand and other days I'm just confused! I guess since break started I was confused and worried...now I feel like he's committed just to me again. He tells me he's finally over his ex now...whatever that means! Confuses the hell outta me...I'm not sure how to take that! Oh it's okay...you're in a relationship with me and still have feelings for ur first girlfriend........umm...yeah...right......!!!! Irony is, seeing my first boyfriend didn't make me flinch one bit. Not for one second did I think of the past or things once between me and him...it was so long ago...not that I don't remember or want to remember....but the past becomes the past and is the past.....the past is a jumble of memories...you have for a lifetime...but no longer affect you on any certain level...they are just the past....I guess it's something you once took in stride and now it doesn't even phase you one bit! I guess that's the best way to sum that up! Anyways, the boy claims he's coming to visit hopefully that or see me on New Years in Dubuque partying it up with my friends and doing a little research work a few days before and after for Dr. Shealer....gonna go catch some birds and band them for him and what not! Not that bad....but I don't see that money until the summer....oh well! I think I can manage with what I have now! Anyways....it's getting to be late...and I have forgotten why I even started this post....oh well...enjoy the ramblings.......................................................................................................................... I think I remember now though.......the original gist of this post was supposed to be "don't keep feelings bottled up or you can miss out on some of the best things in life"....somewhere that message was supposed to be....I think I took a major tangent instead....I guess I'm tired....sweet dreams all....time to dream of my perfect guy....

Past Meets Present

This weekend was fun getting to hang out and party with my old friends from high school! I almost decided not to come...but i'm glad i did. It's been a long time seeing some of them...since senior year of high school! Overall, I had a great time....some things are kinda fuzzy....i dunno. I felt so sick this morning....i've never been sicker before in my life. I didn't have any water until i was way past gone and nothing to eat either...opps...those are two no no's when it comes to me and drinking....it's weird not having people around who know me and force me to drink water! I'd say that i got a little carried away! Felt okay until this morning when my body was purging itself of every last drop of alcohol! But it was fun overall! Chatting with people who i haven't seen in forever playing some drinking games and what not! At first, I felt a little outta place, but after being there 20 minutes it was like it was normal, back to the old ways and friend. So my friends of the past have decided to remerge and meet one of my current friends, Christa! I miss her as my roomie...we screwed up and should have been roommates again....oh well...next year we're hoping for a spot in the NAC with Christa, Margo, and Jen! So that should be fun! But i'm gonna miss my Margo this spring while she studies abroad in Pretoria, South Africa!!! :( Oh well.
Anyways, I'm gonna chalk up anything said to me at the party as drunken talk when it comes to expressing how someone feels about me. Even if all words exchanged were true, I had nothing to regret in the morning, but he probably did. I can't have anything to regret when i'm in an open relationship and my boyfriend is at home spending lots of time with his ex-girlfriend that he stilll likes and hasn't gotten over and now she likes him again. So chances are when i return to school and he doesn't come to visit me, I'm gonna guess it's over...no matter who pulls the plug. I guess it kinda sucks lately. We've been dating for over a year and then outta the blue we run into his ex and he starts acting differently, and i knew he still liked her from just that one encounter. Puts me in a bind to say the least. No matter how much i care about my current boyfriend, I just wish he's pay a little more attention to me, and we all know i'm not an attention whore by any means. I want a guy who will be there for me. I guess who will wrap his arms around me and hold me close and tell me that he cares about me. "Love" can wait, that word still scares me. I don't want to hear whispered i love you's...i just want to hear that someone cares about me and likes me for me. Too bad there's too many obstacles in all guys interested. Then there's the guy I went to homecoming with, the guy who still pawns over me and hasn't "seen" anyone at all because no girl is like me to him. I've always been the one that got away from him, but he's also been the one that got away from me too! So i guess it's all even in love and war! I decided i'm not gonna worry about how a certain friend feels about me. If he's interested he knows how to get a hold of me, but that doesn't mean i'm gonna jump at the oppertunity because i'm tied down too in a sense. An open relationship leaves me with options. I can't help but to think that i should of kissed him because i'd have no regret myself, but that simple kiss would have told me everything i needed to know. But for now, i will not think of things regreted and in the past. The past is the past and timing has never been my thing. I was a bit worried that things would be odd between me and my ex-boyfriend...but to tell you the truth it wasn't at all! Funny cuz we haven't spoken since we basically broke up sophomore year of high school. I was glad it wasn't a problem nor did it feel weird on any level. I guess the only weird thing about seeing my friends from the past is that they are almost all exactly the same people, which is good, but it brings back feelings that i haven't had in a long time. I miss these friends, friends who actually like to do things and hang out, who are fun and cool, and you never have a bad time with unless you make it that way yourself. I guess i've missed them all for so long and they have never known the difference. If there was one batch of friends i wish i still had and hung out with all the time...it would be them. Too bad that they'll never really know how much i miss them all as friends, but i haven't been missed one bit! Because if I was, they all wouldn't have stopped talking to me. Anyways.....i think i'm gonna go watch what's left of one of the football games...say bears and flacons! Go Falcons!!!!
Pictures will be posted shortly, mostly on facebook and i'll tag people and put a few up here! later~

Are we in High School...Come on now People!!!

So this weekend was filled with craziness and drama for the most part. So sorry guys your about to read a rant post...so stop here unless you want to hear me rant about some of my friends. I hang out with three different groups..this applies to the group of sophomore...oh wait that explains it all right there.
So I promised to go out and buy some of my other friends some alcohol because they aren't 21 yet...and i had to go out and get mine for the night too. So Saturday it's snowing all day and i wait until about 4PM to head somewhere that's just normally a 5-10 minute drive from campus...no it took me like 35 minutes to get there. Snow was sucky, they didn't plow, they didn't salt, and the hills were slick with inches of snow and ice! Needless to say many cars were sliding down the hills and unable to get up them...even some trucks had problems. So i didn't dare attempt taking Loras Blvd. then....so i was forced to take Cox St. Oh that was fun...my brakes locked up going down the hill and luckily no one was coming and i had to bail out...i almost ended up in a ditch cuz i couldn't slow down. That was just the first of my brakes locking up. It was bad out. Sucky!!! :( Anyways two hours later I returned up upper campus and left my car there cuz i didn't attempt to move it to lower campus and attempt my brakes locking out or slide down Loras Blvd. and getting into an accident. Well I made it back safe. Had to stash all the alcohol in my backpack and then True carried the overnight bag! It was quite funny. Anyways so only less than an hour later we were supposed to be leaving for dinner reservations at this expensive restaurant for Becca's b-day. I told her I wouldn't drive anymore cuz I didn't want to risk everyone else's lives in my car cuz it only continued to snow and the conditions were even worse now around 6 then when i left for the errand earlier. So then i get accussed of attempting to sabatoge her b-day because i don't want to drive. I saw enough people stuck, in a ditch, accident, etc...that i didn't want to join the numbers. I didn't want to wreck my car or have myself or anyone else hurt. But No...caring meant that i was just a bitch and cruel and mean and trying to ruin Becca's b-day. 12 people went total.....half of who have a car here....but no...none of them were willing to drive before when she asked...and now no one would drive now either yet they all had the nerve to bitch at me because i was trying to ruin her b-day! OMG grow up people! Get a life! You all don't care about anyone or anything but yourselves! You are all self-centered rich bitches...wow reminds me of high school....sick! Worst part of it all was my roommate bitching at me the most that I wouldn't drive...when she herself copped out of driving because she didn't feel like going. BS....it's one of you're best friends birthday's and you don't go! Wow....some friend you are.....and that was her plan from day one! She's like i don't want to go, it's expensive i don't want to be around them either blah blah blah! Wow what a bitch! She's changed so much since last year....i really don't like her one bit anymore! Not that i did a whole lot in the first place...i just got stuck living with her! :( Sucky i know! I hope i move out and if I don't she will be so yeah!!! :) Then i might have a room to myself!!! :) Then everyone bitches at me the rest of the night and the next day! It's like wow grow up...i stopped even saying anything...i just ignore them....they can bitch all they want! I've had enough of their junior/high school shit! Needless to say i'm going to not be hanging around them anymore! I think i'll stick with my other two groups! The nerve of some people.....people who wouldn't drive themselves...those that accuse me of being a bitch...those that call themselves my friends I think not!! How can anyone accuse me of attempting to sabatoge Becca's b-day when i threw them all fun parties or called them up or visited them on their b-day's if we weren't at school! My god people....grow up!
Let's be honest....this group completely ditched me on my b-day! They were supposed to take me out for dinner and what not...nope they all ditched and found "better" things to do on my 21st b-day! Never bothered to say happy b-day! Just built up a big plan for my b-day and then just pushed me off the cliff! Thanks guys....you suck! You are no friends of mine...and you will never be again....so don't talk to me! You know who you are and what you did....btw...u don't tell my boyfriend through an im to apolgize for you to me about what you did and said! I live in the same building of you...you can walk your ass to my room and apoligize in person...but i will won't accept your apolage, but at least then you did it properly...dumbass! Stupid Sophomores....get a life and get out of mine for good...minus a handful of you!
The rest of my crappy weekend was spend doing homework, projects, papers, reading, etc...studying for finals....i can't wait for school to get out and for me to get away from some of these people! And also people bitching at me the rest of the weekend....grrr...GROW UP!!!
Well I should finish my homework and go to bed...thanks for listening to my rant....sweet dreams all....only two more weeks left of school! yeah! :)