So as usual I’m on no shortage of guys who like me. Yet again I’m being annoyed by it all. So the guy I met at a party like a month and half before school ended was all excited when he learned I was moving back from our mutual friend. So we started hanging out again, and he’s been trying to kiss me again, but hasn’t kissed me more than on the cheek just because I haven’t allowed it. Not that there haven’t been moments cuz their have. One perfect one was on the way out the door, and I couldn’t open the door, and the door is right at the bottom of the stairs, so he had me pushed up against the wall and went to kiss me, but we got interrupted by his brother and cousin who were coming down the stairs. It was a moment I would have allowed I think….I dunno. Anyways, he calls me like every other day to chat and see if I can hang out etc. I’ve only ever taken him up twice to hang out and then to go to his party he had last night. The party last night really showed me another side of him. A side that I’m not very fond of at all, not that I was that fond of him in the first place! Anyways he was being kinda scary this week when I talked to him. He kept talking about how much he wanted to visit me in Chicago and all this other stuff and how I felt about long term/long distance relationships, etc. He kept saying how he didn’t care I was in Chicagoland area and he was okay with that because he thought I was worth it. That I impress him beyond belief and he enjoys just being around me, etc….things that I normally would love to hear, but hearing this from his has always struck a chord with me in the wrong way. Just that something isn’t quite right, I don’t trust him, not even a little. Anyways, at the party he gets belligerently drunk and I don’t like the person he’s become. We were partners in pool and I was on my game playing really well and his cousin and he were very impressed. He kept trying to tickle me, but I’m not ticklish one bit. He kept putting his arm around me waist while we were waiting for our turn etc. just little things like that. He comments to Alison how he’s trying to flirt with me but it’s so hard when I’m not ticklish that he’s not sure how to flirt with me physically without that bit. The next thing I know this other girl who was giving me evil stares all night corners him in the kitchen that is next to the bathroom and then they are in the bathroom for a long time together. Some guy huh? Yeah that’s what I thought so too, eventually I walk in the kitchen again to get another drink and the girl who started kissing him into the bathroom is sitting outside the bathroom door crying in the hallway and he’s in the bathroom, probably puking cuz he’s so drunk. Then he comes out and starts hitting on me again and acting like nothing happened, I’m not going to pretend to know anything but I know what I saw for 30 seconds and that was enough for me. But we were having fun with other people so we stayed and played cards for awhile and had a good time. Then that girl like runs upstairs and two minutes later she calls Jeremy on his cell and then he’s upstairs with her. Anyways we stay longer to play cards and chat and finally, Alison and I decide to get going and his cousin, who apparently was aware that Jeremy liked me, was like you should go talk to him before you leave. So I go upstairs to find him, and I open up the door and it’s just awkward. She like was trying to kiss him again and I felt like I just caught them. All I said was I’m leaving now and I felt rude for not saying good bye and thanks for the invite. That was it, that’s so me to do and pretend like I didn’t see anything the entire night. I let that go because it just doesn’t matter. If you haven’t noticed lately, nothing really seems to matter all that much to me. Anyways he called me like 30 minutes after I left because he went outside to say bye to me and I said bye, but he’s like you didn’t leave and he didn’t understand. Well, Alison had just lit a cigarette and was smoking and I don’t allow smoking in my car, so we were sitting outside my car chatting while she finished smoking. He was annoyed that I didn’t say bye and is like we should hang out just the two of us tomorrow, but I told him I was busy, which I really wasn’t. So he’s like call me before you leave in a week I really want to hang out a few more times if you have the time…and I’m like well I’m really busy and I have a lot of plans with people in the next week, which is true! So :P !!! Anyways, so I told him to give me a call, and he called me once today to see if I could hang out, but I told him I didn’t know. I have no intention of calling him or picking up the phone the next time he calls.
I think he was a bit annoyed at me that phone kept going off between phone calls and text messages. Brad texted me a bunch of times last night! They make me laugh so hard and miss him! I know that sounds crazy! But I do miss having him around! There’s something about him that is a comfort. He’s been a good friend most of the time and it’s weird not having such close guy friends around me when I’m in dbq, it’s like half girls and half guys which is weird for me. Normally it’s mostly guys. Brad just makes me laugh and it’s good to have nothing that serious between us where I don’t feel tied down. It wasn’t until last week that I finally understood why Brad got so mad at me after talking to Joe. I never realized Brad cared about me that much. I knew liked me, but I never took it seriously. I just didn’t think he was that serious about me. I think I just didn’t want to see it, I’ve done about everything to avoid a relationship or sort of get into relationships that are lost causes due to distance, timing, etc. whatever the case is….why….because I realized I only ever loved one person in my life. I wonder about him more than I probably should. I’m probably just crazy, he’s probably never thought about me in a long time. Now I feel bad that I go away for the weekend to visit some friends, and the next thing Brad knows I’m talking about this other guy that I like and then he comes to visit me about a month later. I understood then why Brad got so mad. He cared so much about me, we enjoyed each other’s company, we had amazing chemistry that neither of us could explain, but I just couldn’t be with him for my own reasons. He asked me out enough times, but I never once thought he was serious. I realized after talking to Joe that I was practically with Brad all last semester and he felt betrayed by me. But I still hold, how can he feel betrayed when he was going on dates with other people too, etc. and he talked about them I didn’t, until I finally mentioned one guy. Last night I enjoyed our text message banter! Just made me happy and smiling, but who couldn’t from hearing the things he said! But I like the most was the way he told me he missed me and wish he were here with me. Normally he says he wishes I was there with him, but for once he said the right thing, wish I was there with you! J Don’t worry I’ll never really take him seriously no matter what. I just can’t nor do I feel like explaining it!
So I moved back to Dubuque for a month to take a summer course and within a day of moving in, I run into Joe. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the line he gave me about how he always liked me, but knew I was sort of with Brad, and that fate has given him a second chance with me. (I laughed really hard on the inside cuz where was the first chance? Lol). Anyways, so Joe is my next door neighbor so we’ve been hanging out, having some good chats, did some fun little projects together, etc. All he has wanted all summer was to make out with me. But I laughed so hard in his face and asked why..and he said because I like you, and I’ve wanted to for awhile. Well, maybe that line works on some girls, but it just doesn’t work on me! :P Anyways, I kept telling him don’t ask to make out with me, find the right moment to make out with me and see what happens….in other words I’m teasing with you and fucking with your mind because I can and sadly I enjoy doing that to him, not to most people, but to him it’s amusing and he deserves it for what he has been doing to his girlfriend of 3 years, and now they are not together according to him, but she thinks they are etc….don’t even want to get into any of that! Anyways, he’s like all you want is something contrived….and I said no…it’s not contrived, what I want is real, but that doesn’t mean I’ll find that something real with you. I’d rather find the right moment and it may only be that single moment that kiss is right, but that’s what I want. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic in that sense….who would have ever thought that of me? I wouldn’t. Who doesn’t want the fairy tale ending. Where you find the man of your dreams who sweeps you off your feet and rescues you and the movie ends with a perfect kiss. I know life is not like that, but what girl wouldn’t want something like that….
Getting back on track…So Dubuque was their firework display on the July 3rd, so Paul came to visit me finally after being here for over 4 years and never coming to visit me!! Anyways, the night before Joe and I had a great chat outside of our place for a few hours about anything and everything. He was like you should come with me for the fireworks and sit in the VIP section with Rob and me. I passed cuz I had Paul coming plus I had already made plans with Rachel and Margo. So Paul and I headed to the party and parked at Margo’s sister’s house which happened to be about a 2.5 mile walk to the house we ended up at. Anyways it was fun at the house party, music, guy on the mike, drinking, chatting, etc. Was fun, firework display over the river wasn’t too shabby, but not the most brilliant display ever, but it wasn’t bad for Dubuque standards I thought. They started early cuz storms were coming in, so about halfway through it started to rain. At the end it was coming down decently, but not too hard. We left to walk to the car, walked about half a mile before it just poured in sheets. I couldn’t remember the last time I was dry. Finally got to the car soaked to the bone, and drove back to my place to get some dry clothes before meeting up with people at the bars. The moisture from the rain built up in my stupid hard to open door and wouldn’t open and I tried for over an hour. I was so fed up. Tried to call Joe cuz he has the magic touch to open my door! I was so upset and wet and couldn’t get in or a hold of anyone…Paul and I were freezing and hungry so we went to grab some dinner from fast food cuz nothing else was open that late nor did we really want to go anywhere soaked to the bone. I literally had my heat on full to try to dry out and we were practically sweating in the car…I know gross! So we drive back and Joe and I have been calling back and forth but his phone keeps going out and I get a bit annoyed figuring he’s at the bars and has crappy signal at The Deep…aka bricktown, since he told me to call him once I got downtown to the bars. I get home and am messing around with my door and Rob walks outside to see what I’m doing. I found out Joe is at home, but his, rob’s, and nikki’s phone is all fried from the rain. Well, I had sent Joe a text message saying please let me into my house I’m locked out and that I would make out with him if he did so because I was that desperate to get in. Rob tells me Nikki is over, who is Joe’s ex, or whatever the hell they are…none of my business. Well, I tell Rob about the text and to go delete that message off of Joe’s phone now and in turn he can borrow my phone to talk to his girlfriend since his is fried. I find Joe he’s like yeah sure, gives me a lot of shit and makes fun of me for not being able to open it. Well then Rob goes and whispers in his ear that I’d make out with Joe if he let me in, blah , blah, blah. So Joe is like if I do this you have to keep your promise, so I said fine I just want to get in. So he lets me into my house yeah!!! J Paul is tired and goes to bed, Nikki left Joe cuz he was being an asshole towards her plus she hates me and was giving me evil glares whenever she sees me. Anyways, I kept my bargain. So I went over to Joe’s place, watched from Season 3 of Lost episodes and made out with him. No big deal. I laugh though, Joe is like wow you are a good kisser, he’s like I had no idea. I didn’t take you for being one, and I’m like well there’s a lot of things you don’t know about me. Joe is always talking to me about anything and everything. I enjoy chatting with him a lot and I like how’s he’s like I think about you when I see certain things so we watched a few of the things he wanted to show me that he knew I’d love and appreciate….and he was right! So weird how well he knows me, and I do the same with him! Things like that I love though! Don’t get me wrong, I like spending time with him and chatting, but it stops there. One night of making out because that was what was promised because that’s what he wanted he got. He was really happy about it too. It was fun, but it was like a week and half before I left. I asked him why he didn’t pursue me harder before and he said because I play too hard to get. He thought I wasn’t interested either, that he had absolutely no shot, I’m too busy, moving away shortly, and now he’s confused how I feel. Of course I didn’t answer that question cuz we all know why not! Lol! :P
I don’t like to get caught; you might be surprised by that. I just am not the type of girl who likes to be tied down and feel so many obligations all the time. I like to be free to do what I want, I’m a busy girl! I always have been, but I’ve made time for guys who have been worth my while for the most part. There’s exceptions both ways in there though, always is! J I just haven’t felt like being caught too much this year after a lot of things…. it means I just don’t trust people as much as I did before, and we all know I don’t ever put my heart on a platter for anyone. That or even let anyone know how my heart feels. That’s just the way I am, take it or leave for all I care.
This past month in Dubuque has been great for me. It’s been good to see Rachel, Amy, Margo, Alison, Brita, True, the guys that live next door, and everyone else because I know I missed other people! It’s been fun hanging on the porch with the guys and running into them on and off and having good chats! I need to live on my own and soon! I don’t think I can take living at home for the next year, but I probably will live at home so I can save money. Why pass up the opportunity to stay at home rent free, I cook, clean, do errands, and I’m going to go get a job here shortly and work on grad. school applications here too!!! So many things to do! One last week of school and some major studying and paper writing to do! Ugh! Well, better get going on that!
Oh yeah I love my new background! It’s a picture Anh drew me out of one of my high school yearbooks! Can you guess who’s who?! Front is Arlene, Back left is Anh, Back right is ME! J It says what’s supposed to be billabong because Anh and Arlene loved my blue bucket hat from billabong that I used to wear a lot! J
I’ve been rewatching Lost seasons 1 and 2……….really catching on all the details and things that happened later on! Also makes me miss having a Lost buddy to chat with! Joe and I were Lost buddies until the last month of school, which is when things got really exciting!! :P
Cute picture huh?
I’ve been rewatching Lost seasons 1 and 2……….really catching on all the details and things that happened later on! Also makes me miss having a Lost buddy to chat with! Joe and I were Lost buddies until the last month of school, which is when things got really exciting!! Boo him and his school work! So weird to think a year ago I had a different Lost buddy and a friend I really miss. I wish I could tell him how much his friendship has always meant to me and I'm sorry that he got stuck in the middle. That I let him go without a fight because I couldn't do that to the three of us, just couldn't break the bonds we all shared even further, so I did only what I knew how, break myself off leaving those two intact and friends. It was good to hear from one of our mutual friends that he mentioned my name again recently and how he's mad we're not friends and made at the other friend, mad at the whole situation, and mad that he let me stop talking to him, etc. It was all for the best! This week is a second chance to see if we can be friends again though! We ran into each other on the 4th at a BBQ and we're gonna try to hang out during my last week here to catch up! I hope we do because I'd be sad if we didn't. I plan on telling him sorry for all that happened and that I wish we were friends the way we were last summer. The way we could hang out, enjoyed so many of the same things, had great conversations, playing frisbee and basketball, kicking back watching movies, etc. Last summer we grew to become very close friends, he was my best guy friend without a doubt, and I've missed him teribbly. But that's life for you.
